If the police expect to play against the Joker, they'd better be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck!
— Me!, in my very first appearance ever!
Why so serious?
— Me!, The Dark Knight
You're not contractually tied to reality. There is no Sanity Clause!
— Me!, to Commisioner Gordon in The Killing Joke
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
— Alfred Pennyworth, The Dark Knight. Oh Alfie, you flatter me!
How about a magic trick? I'm going to make this pencil disappear.
— Me again, The Dark Knight. Knocked' em dead with that one!
There's two things he forgot to tell you about me... I don't care what happens to the world! And I DON'T play well with others...
— Moi, setting that killjoy Deathstroke straight, Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe
All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.
— Guess who?, The Killing Joke. I just wanted old Jim to see the joke!
"It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic. [Beat] Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
— Me again (who'd'a thunk?), Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
"Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin."
— Me! to good old Batsie, The Batman, "The Bat In The Belfry".
"Jingle Bells. Batman Smells. Robin Lay An Egg. The Batmobile Lost Its Wheel and the JOOOKEERRR GOT A-WAY!!!"
— *yawn*(Do I need to say it?), Batman: The Animated Series, "Christmas with the Joker". My first debut and oh how I love Christmas and you know what folks....I DID ESCAPE using a Rocket Christmas Tree!!! See below on the 'additional lyrics'.
"Crashing through the roof, in a one-horse open tree, busting out I go, laughing all the wheeeeeee! Ha ha ha ha!"
"Batman, you wouldn't let me fry, would you?" (Batman thinks for a moment and wants to consider it) "BATMAN!!!!"
— Yes...yes! Youknowwhoitis...*mumbles*, Batman: The Animated Series, "The Last Laugh". I can't believe I have to say that line. Sure I make Batsy laugh but not the way I wanted...
"The guy is so demented and evil, but so funny at the same time, it actually makes you laugh along with him and feel guilty about it afterward. How can you not laugh at a guy with a permanent smile?"
"You know what's great about you, puddin'? You really put the "fun" in "funeral!"
— My Dear Little Harley, Batman: The Animated Series, "The Man Who Killed Batman"
"That's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke!"
— Me!, Batman: The Animated Series, "Mad Love"
Bat-Fake: What can you tell me about clowns, Commissioner?
Dear Old Barb: In this town, they're never funny.
"You know, kids, a lot has changed while your old Uncle Joker's been away. New Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again!"
— The New Me!, Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
Bat-Jerk: You're going to Arkham.
Me: In a coffin or not at all? [Evil Laugh] Oh well. Kill and the world dies with you; die and you laugh alone.
— Batman: Vengeance. Honestly, my spoof on the old saying, "Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone," is my part of an attempt to subvert my Joker Immunity, standing between getting sent either to Arkham Asylum or six feet under; but, you know, "Death is no substitute for justice!" HAHAHAHAHAHA!
"If you weren't hiding in the shadows like a little girl, this would be over so much faster."
— Me! seeking due sportsmanship in Batman: Arkham Asylum
"Where, oh where has my little Bat gone? Oh where, oh where can he be? His cowl, his scowl, his temper so foul. I do hope he's coming for me." [Evil Laugh]
—Me again, doing a spoof of "Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?", Batman: Arkham Origins
Me: If you actually let me finish a sentence, you might learn something! You might learn we're Not So Different. You might even learn something about yourself.
Bat-Brain: You need to learn to shut up!
— Batman: Arkham Origins. And just when I was very close to blowing the Bat's brains out, right before he knocked the gun out of my hand. Oh well...
"Uh-uh-uh, don't touch that remote! I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite shows pre-empted. But look what you're getting instead: me! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage! Everything that makes TV great! So stay tuned, you won't believe your eyes..."
— Me!, Justice League
"'Winged... Freak... Terrorizes?' Wait 'til they get a load of me."
"Batman? Batman?! Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a bat gets all of my press?! This town needs an enema!"
— Me again!, Batman
"Your friends... they're not such bad people. What do you say we give them a few days to think it over? (beat) No? (beat) Grease 'em now? Well... okay. You are a vicious bastard, Rotelli... I'M GLAD YOU'RE DEAD!"
— Me yet again!, Batman
"New and improved Joker products with the new secret ingredient... Smilex! Uh-oh... he don't look too happy... he's been usin' Brand X! But with new Joker Brand, I get a grin... Again and again! That luscious tan... those ruby lips... and hair color so natural, only your undertaker will know for sure. I know what you're thinking, where can I find those fine new items? Now that's the gag, folks. Chances are, you bought 'em already! So remember, put on a happy face!"
—Do I know how to make a commercial or what? Batman
"Now comes the time where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But as my plastic surgeon always used to say: If you've gotta go, GO WITH A SMILE!"
—Me, capping a certain parade. Batman
Me: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Me: I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it.
Me: ...and that's the idea. Be sure you follow my instructions to the split-second!
Mook: But, boss, you ain't gonna really reform, are you?
Me: [smoking up a skull from my cigarette] Of course not! My business will go on as usual...the important thing is that I'll be free! The Joker shall die so that he may live again!
Charlie Collins: You're not getting caught, not this time. I found this bomb at the van. This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes, no great fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all that the papers will say, is that the Great Joker was blown to pieces in an alley, alongside a miserable little nobody. Ha. Kind of funny, ironic, really. See! I can destroy your dreams too! And that’s really the only dream you have, isn’t it?
Me: Look, Charlie, you've had a busy day...all this running around...all this excitement with-BAAAAAAAAAATMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop! You’re crazy!
Batman: Long enough.
— Batman: The Animated Series, "Joker's Favor" Gotta hand it to ya, Chaz, in retrospective, it was quite funny. Not that I'll ever admit it in yer face. I can't believe it! I work, plan, rehearse every day to be the greatest comedian Gotham has even seen, and suddenly this guy just comes here with Beginner's Luck and steals my act Batman even laughed! He never laughs at my jokes... Well, except that time...
I'm just trying to show you
Just how well I know you.
I understand just how you feel.
Threw your reason away
'Cause you had one bad day
And your mind let go of the wheel.
— Moi, Again! In a rare musical performance!
Who will be your pretty, little enemy?
When I'm gone your world will prove empty.
I promise you will always remember me.
The joke's on you, poison me.
While you clean the streets of misfortune,
I pick the innocent from my dirty teeth.
We're one and the same...deranged.
What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you?! No. You're alone.
Carnage: I thought you had the stomach for death, Joker. I guess I was wrong.
Me: It's not a question of stomach, my friend, it's a question of style! Any idiot...nothing personal, of course... can go out and slaughter a few thousand people, but were's the laughter and tears? The handstands and histrionics? In short, my dense and sanguine pal, where's the theater? I always thought of myself as the Orson Welles of crime and chaos, while you, apparantly, aspire to be nothing more than...David Hasselhoff! Alas, dear Carnage, I thought we had the makings of a classic team—but—hard as it is to believe, I was wrong!
Bat-Fake: It's funny. I know about all your other major enemies, but you never mentioned him. He was the worst, wasn't he?
Bruce: It wasn't a popularity contest. He was a psychopath. A monster.
— Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker. Damn straight, Brucey!
You can be a goody two-shoes 'till the end of your days
You can listen to them say crime never pays
You can follow every law and be the big black bat
But why would you want to? Huh!
Where's the fun in that?
Where's the fun in that?
So, smile, darn you, smile (Ah...)
Everybody loves to grin
Follow my lead, recite my creed
And smile, darn you, smile
"I can't believe it. He's... he's actually gone. Let's take a moment to reflect on the passing of a man who was more than just another do-gooder in tights. He was the best arch-nemesis a sociopath could ask for. (beat) Okay, let's do it again!"
— Good Ol' Moi, right before bringing the dead Bat to life and then forcing him to go through a Death Montage (though Lighter and Softer and less explicit), Batman: The Brave and the Bold, "Emperor Joker!"