Quotes: The Big Bang Theory

In Show Quotes

The whole universe was in a hot, dense state -
then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... wait!
The Earth began to cool - the autotrophs began to drool -
neanderthals developed tools, we built the wall
We built the Pyramids!
Math, science history - unraveling the mystery
It all started with a Big ...
Bang!
- Barenaked Ladies, "The History of Everything", the show's opening theme

Wil Wheaton: Did [Sheldon] just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: (after several seconds of twitching) I have a working knowledge of the important things in the universe.

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes. The Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic. The Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man. The Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

"I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole but when it comes to the population of this car you are a veritable 'Mackdaddy.'"
Sheldon: Pilot (To Leonard regarding his chances with Penny while she, Raj and Howard are in the car)

"Nerds."
Steve Wozniak

Leonard: What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: (beat) ...screwed!
Leonard: There you go.
(later)
Sheldon: I don't wanna be attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis!
Amy: (immediately — no beat needed) In what way are you screwed?!

Sheldon: It's your turn.
Raj: Ah, I'm not interested in playing anymore.
Sheldon: Because you don't have a girlfriend!? Good Lord! If that's a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons then this game is in serious trouble!

(during a paintball game against the geology department)
Sheldon: (stands at the top of the hill and shouts to his opponents) GEOLOGY ISN'T A REAL SCIENCE!
(he is promptly slaughtered by paintballs)
Howard: Damn them those SONS OF BITCHES!!(he, Raj, and Leonard run down the hill to attack)
Sheldon: (watches happily) If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started.

Raj: Come on Sheldon, it's Star Wars.
Howard: I'm going to press play, I mean it! Come on, we gotta hurry up and watch it before George Lucas changes it again.

Penny: Okay shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick somebody off America's Next Top Model.
Sheldon: Excuse me Penny, but we're-
Leonard: No, don't tell her...
Sheldon: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aaaw...
Howard: What do you mean "aaaw", like she didn't know we were nerds?

Sheldon: Penny....
Penny: (annoyed) What?
Sheldon: Please don't hurt my friend.

Raj: Why are you putting so much sugar in your coffee?
Leonard: (Has been up late) Because the cafeteria doesn't have little packets of methamphetamines.

Barry: Siwi can you wecommend a westewaunt?
Siri: Sorry Bawwy, i do not recognise the phrase "Wecommend a westerwaunt."

Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys instead of us weirdos?
Raj: Yes, I've ALWAYS found that totally unfair!

Sheldon: At the last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for forty-five minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: You know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.

Out-Of-Show Quotes

"This plotline gets extra props for featuring an extended riff on the novel Flatland, which makes this probably the only show I cover that could even possibly have an extended riff on the novel Flatland."
—from The Onion AVClub's review of episode 3x12, "The Psychic Vortex"