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Quotes: Testosterone Poisoning

Fiction

"I can tear a telephone directory in two
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you"
—The verses to Villainous Crossdresser "Exotic" Adrian Street's theme music.

"BY ENTERING THIS TOURNAMENT, YOU HAVE FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, AND WATCH MOVIES WITH COUPLES KISSING IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!"
Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2

"If the strength of your equipment isn't strong enough, then compensate for it with the strength of your arm! That is the way a true man lives!"
Kogarashi, Kamen no Maid Guy

"Sir Ron, what brand of chainsaw do you use to brush your teeth?"

"Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat."

"I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!"
Testosteraur the Manotaur, Gravity Falls

Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.

Real Life

"In the next box, Mussolini, wearing a white uniform. At the first interval, he rose and saluted the soprano. Audiences cheered. Then he left the box. As he passed me, I smelled heavy cologne."
Gore Vidal, Palimpsest

"Are you real men or some goddamned faggots?"
Nikita Khrushchev to some avant-garde artists, 1962

"Hemingway used to come into Toots Shor's whenever he was in New York, and one time, Joe E. Lewis told him I'd been a professional fighter. After that, all he wanted to do was arm-wrestle me at the table."
Alan King, Name Dropping

"Only Napoleon did more than I have done. But I am definitely taller."
Silvio Berlusconi

"Picture a mugger, emerging from the darkness. What would you do? If you're like most Americans, you've already played out this fantasy hundreds of times with each of your handguns and tactical knives. You'd attack secret weak points of his face, known only to you. Your strength, speed, and stamina would be made limitless by adrenaline. The mugger's ladies would switch sides, flinging their bikini bottoms toward your spinning kicks. In fact, it's almost stupid to still be talking about this mugger since he's dead at your feet. "That's the way of the streets" you might growl at his pieces before bringing your saxophone to your lips. 'Fwrrff!!! Hrmmm fmfffhheeeeeeeee!!'"

"Eventually the studio settled on Brett 'I'm an Objectively Unlikable Meatball-Hamster of a Person' Ratner, who looked at impossible deadlines and a lack of script with the kind of undeserved confidence for which he is known, and said, 'I can make this [expletive deleted] movie, [homophobic slur deleted] [racist remark deleted], and furthermore [obviously fake boast of sexual conquest deleted]."

"I was working at a chain Italian restaurant. This older married couple comes in, and I know I'm in trouble when he orders Ecco Domani merlot and states that "there are no good domestic wines" and that he wants "the good stuff" (Ecco Domani, for those who have never had it, is pretty foul)... So they scarf down the food and the guy immediately demands their plate be taken away — only they ate their dinner so fast that the plate is still flaming hot. I touch it for a second, realize the heat level, and then go to get my towel to hold it. The jackass sarcastically says, "here, tender loving care!" and picks up the plate to show how macho he is. So like any good smartass, I drop my towel and take forever to pick it up while his mistake starts to sink in. He can't back down at this point, so he starts bobbling it in his hands, and eventually has to yell 'take it!' He had to have been in horrible pain."

"Mike [Wilson] brought me that bitch ad and I thought it was funny. I told Mike people might take it the wrong way, but he just said, 'Don't be a pussy!'"
John Romero on his immortal Daikatana advertisements

"(John) Kerry's theatrics did not improve as the primary campaign wore on. The Massachusetts senator all but asked Republicans to ridicule him, with ad-libs such as, 'Who among us does not love NASCAR?' In an interview in the men's magazine GQ, he joined he reporter for a beer (alcoholic—no teetotaler he!) while confessing to a modicum of lust for Charlize Theron and Catherine Zeta-Jones. One day during the campaign he invited reporters to follow him around on a 'day off,' when his errands included buying a jockstrap."
Frank Rich, The Greatest Story Ever Sold

"If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

On works

"In a better world, the go-to album for picking up chicks would be John Legend's smooth respectful requests for the 'Green Light,' and not Robin Thicke's pushy, mouth-breathing insistence that 'You Know You Want It.'"
Todd in the Shadows on "All of Me"

"Now that video gaming's twin cheerleaders of military intervention — Battlefield and Call of Duty — have pledged to start respectively modeling themselves on The Italian Job and Battlestar Galactica, I think it's fair to say that gaming has grown weary of contemporary warfare. The days of straight-faced, ripped-from-the-headlines, right wing wish fulfillment, 'giving Johnny Terrorist what for in the dusty ruins of Suicide Bomber University' are waning. Maybe because the house of cards that is stability in the middle east just refuses to stay up no matter how many times we set fire to it. Or perhaps there's a growing sense that our personal safety is less in danger from jabbering extremists inspired by 72 virgins, and more from frustrated white loners inspired by only one virgin — namely himself."

"Where is Murdoch’s ominous News Corporation taking game culture? To 'Bro-verload', obviously. IGN Entertainment’s 'original properties' include garbage like AskMen.com and TeamXbox, which may explain the obvious bias they’ve had for that console since it was announced. The 360 is the Halo toting, frat-boy catering, Doritos and Mountain Dew consuming spokesman for the industry today. Everybody’s favorite gaming site is plainly obsessed with alienating women, intelligent people, and anyone with a fiber of shame. Gaming rightfully belongs to nerds first, but nerds have a pesky tendency to question everything they’re told and think for themselves; so why not seduce nerds into becoming asshole 'bros' instead!"

"At the end of the day, Marvel is consciously pushing to try to attract new types of fans, and DC is consciously doubling down on its existing adult white male readership...Comics are too expensive and too niche. And that means that the bulk of their fans are pathological in a variety of ways. More bluntly, it means that the existing comics readership has serious fucking issues, as demonstrated by their propensity to hurl hate speech and rape threats at female members of the community and to visibly be racist shitbags at any given opportunity."

David: Bruce absolutely has the body language of a dude at a bar who is trying to work The Game on a lady… not that I’d know.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
Laura Hudson and David Wolfkin, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"

"Just when you think Jeph Loeb's influence on the Ultimate line couldn't get any worse, here comes the continuing adventures of the Ultimates, a title on which Loeb last gave us the brilliant line, 'I guess that makes me the mother fucker.' Yes, it does. On so many, many levels. This book features characterizations so bad that they completely contradict the entire purpose of the Ultimate Universe by making it indistinguishable from the 616 AND sets back women in comics about 40 years...a string of pointless events and women taking their clothes off for no other reason that Frank Cho is drawing it. That's how bad this is. I'm complaining about Frank Cho drawing hot women. That's pretty fucking bad."

"True Lies is James Cameron throwing his hands and credibility into the air and going, 'FUCK YOU, brown people, FUCK YOU annoying children, FUCK YOU annoying women, SHOOTING SOLVES EVERYTHIIIIING!'"

"Remember 2005? Back when we didn’t have a lot of good comic book movies to celebrate? Back before the first 300 movie, when the whole idea of that posturing 'no homo' otherness-phobic carnival of green screened pomposity seemed like it might have cultural value? Back before Frank Miller’s swastika-festooned The Spirit left a bad taste in everyone’s mouths? Back when people were still insisting The Dark Knight Strikes Again was actually good satire, before Holy Terror confirmed that, no, Frank Miller is actually frighteningly sincere? Back when we clung to deniability? Good news, everyone! It’s 2005 again, and we get another chance to pretend Mickey Rourke poking his head through a loaf of bread is a thing that works...It’s also ‘Red Band,’ which means you have to be a mature person to watch it, ironically."

"Pain and Gain is the cinematic equivalent of being chased around a rugby changing room with a lubed-up dildo and repeatedly called a faggot. Dildos, incidentally, are used for comic effect throughout this permanently flexing, closeted fratboy, macho romp. There’s also a little person in a fight scene, for literally no other reason than to have him hauled into the air by Dwayne Johnson while his tiny legs kick against the wall, as Michael Bay guffaws offscreen into a giant mountain of coke."

"I hate to use the word 'overrated' just because I think it is a trollish term...But there are a few films where I simply cannot get the praise for. One of which is Scarface. I can’t tell you how many teens I see with Scarface swag all over the place. It also seems like a movie for posers so they seem like manly men to all their friends. There is something about a guy who proudly proclaims Scarface is his favorite movie that makes me think they secretly have Sleepless In Seattle hiding in their bedroom. "
Miles Antwiler on The Boondock Saints 2: All Saint's Day

"My Mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife!"

"I remember reading news stories about Patrick Stewart being unhappy about the apparently asexual Captain role he had been handed on the show and was going to the lengths of suggesting that he would quit if something wasn’t done about it. So it comes to two episodes in a row where the Captain has become irresistible to women (well Dr Bev and Vash) and he even starts getting his chest out to prove his virility. It is not a shift in his favour as far as I am concerned, I rather thought the idea was to contrast Picard with Kirk and it was his more thoughtful, less kinky behaviour that really stood him out as being something different...Less of an episode of Star Trek and more of an installment of Patrick Stewart’s mid life crisis with him parading around in his underpants with his hairy chest on display and being the object of lust for some of the most beautiful women in the galaxy."
Doc Oho on Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Captain's Holiday"

Fuck your lonely shit /b/!!!!! This might be Valentine's Day, but god damn stop being pussies. This is a manly thread, we talk manly shit up in here!!!!! SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST????
A HOT ENGINE BLOCK SMOTHERED IN RANCID OIL! WASHED THAT SHIT DOWN WITH A STEIN OF DRANO THEN PICKED MY TEETH WITH A SIGNPOST
[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST
INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST, I HAD SEX WITH A BEAR.
/b/, "Post #117133822" et al.

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