I can tear a telephone directory in two
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you...
"BY ENTERING THIS TOURNAMENT, YOU HAVE FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, AND WATCH MOVIES WITH COUPLES KISSING IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!"
—Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2
"If the strength of your equipment isn't strong enough, then compensate for it with the strength of your arm! That is the way a true man lives!"
— Kogarashi, Kamen no Maid Guy
"Sir Ron, what brand of chainsaw do you use to brush your teeth?"
— kingofcupcakes, on Sir Ron Lionheart's Let's Play Contra III
"Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat."
"I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!"
— Testosteraur the Manotaur, Gravity Falls
Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.
"In the next box, Mussolini, wearing a white uniform. At the first interval, he rose and saluted the soprano. Audiences cheered. Then he left the box. As he passed me, I smelled heavy cologne."
—Gore Vidal, Palimpsest
"Are you real men or some goddamned faggots?"
—Nikita Khrushchev to some avant-garde artists, 1962
"Hemingway used to come into Toots Shor's whenever he was in New York, and one time, Joe E. Lewis told him I'd been a professional fighter. After that, all he wanted to do was arm-wrestle me at the table."
—Alan King, Name Dropping
"Only Napoleon did more than I have done. But I am definitely taller."
"Mike [Wilson] brought me that bitch ad and I thought it was funny. I told Mike people might take it the wrong way, but he just said, 'Don't be a pussy!'"
"Picture a mugger, emerging from the darkness. What would you do? If you're like most Americans, you've already played out this fantasy hundreds of times with each of your handguns and tactical knives. You'd attack secret weak points of his face, known only to you. Your strength, speed, and stamina would be made limitless by adrenaline. The mugger's ladies would switch sides, flinging their bikini bottoms toward your spinning kicks. In fact, it's almost stupid to still be talking about this mugger since he's dead at your feet. "That's the way of the streets" you might growl at his pieces before bringing your saxophone to your lips. 'Fwrrff!!! Hrmmm fmfffhheeeeeeeee!!'"
"Eventually the studio settled on Brett 'I'm an Objectively Unlikable Meatball-Hamster of a Person' Ratner, who looked at impossible deadlines and a lack of script with the kind of undeserved confidence for which he is known, and said, 'I can make this [expletive deleted] movie, [homophobic slur deleted] [racist remark deleted], and furthermore [obviously fake boast of sexual conquest deleted]."
"I was working at a chain Italian restaurant. This older married couple comes in, and I know I'm in trouble when he orders Ecco Domani merlot and states that "there are no good domestic wines" and that he wants "the good stuff" (Ecco Domani, for those who have never had it, is pretty foul)... So they scarf down the food and the guy immediately demands their plate be taken away — only they ate their dinner so fast that the plate is still flaming hot. I touch it for a second, realize the heat level, and then go to get my towel to hold it. The jackass sarcastically says, "here, tender loving care!" and picks up the plate to show how macho he is. So like any good smartass, I drop my towel and take forever to pick it up while his mistake starts to sink in. He can't back down at this point, so he starts bobbling it in his hands, and eventually has to yell 'take it!' He had to have been in horrible pain."
"(John) Kerry's theatrics did not improve as the primary campaign wore on. The Massachusetts senator all but asked Republicans to ridicule him, with ad-libs such as, 'Who among us does not love NASCAR?' In an interview in the men's magazine GQ, he joined he reporter for a beer (alcoholic—no teetotaler he!) while confessing to a modicum of lust for Charlize Theron and Catherine Zeta-Jones. One day during the campaign he invited reporters to follow him around on a 'day off,' when his errands included buying a jockstrap."
—Frank Rich, The Greatest Story Ever Sold
"Last week I took great umbrage to the depiction of twin towers being destroyed at the hands of a 23-year-old Clark Kent. Responses to this were varied. Most of the commentators on the boards, typically the squeaky wheel exceptions to the civil discourse that can prevail, had wonderful things to say, like 'Good to finally see Clark Man Up!' and 'I don't care if it looked like 911! Good job, Smallville writers!'"
"Clark sits down to talk to Lois about how he doesn’t want to act like a dork because it makes her look bad, and rips his shirt open for… I have no idea why he does this. I’ve watched this scene a dozen times and cannot comprehend why Clark suddenly lets Hulkamania run wild in the living room. Also, I love that Clark thinks nobody would be able to understand why Lois would be interested in a big, strapping, handsome, shy guy who was completely nonaggressive and agreed with everything she said."
"Parallel to Watchmen was Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, a comic whose fame rests largely on the fact that it has most of the sex and violence of Watchmen wedded to the moral sensibilities of Dirty Harry. In fact, it basically is just a Batman comic where Batman is Dirty Harry. There are persistent rumors that there were occasional plans to adapt the comic to film with Clint Eastwood playing the role of Batman...Whether it is Dirty Harry, Rorschach, or Batman, the badass is always conservative, in the sense of conservation — the sense of maintaining what is, and what was. The badass is the enemy of futurity."
David: Bruce absolutely has the body language of a dude at a bar who is trying to work The Game on a lady… not that I’d know.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
"Speaking of women, Wonder Woman shows up throughout the story too, mostly to tell everyone how rad it is that Superman’s going to start killing people and ruling the world now and think about maybe moving in and gettin’ a piece of that Sadness Beard now that Lois and any potential babies are out of the equation. My favorite thing she does — and by that, I mean the opposite — comes from the issue where Superman freaks out because she stabs Ares with a sword because she might’ve killed him, 12 pages after she straight up explodes a tank with a bunch of dudes in it. Superman’s not very good at paying attention is what I’m getting at."
"Just when you think Jeph Loeb's influence on the Ultimate line couldn't get any worse, here comes the continuing adventures of the Ultimates, a title on which Loeb last gave us the brilliant line, 'I guess that makes me the mother fucker.' Yes, it does. On so many, many levels. This book features characterizations so bad that they completely contradict the entire purpose of the Ultimate Universe by making it indistinguishable from the 616 AND sets back women in comics about 40 years...a string of pointless events and women taking their clothes off for no other reason that Frank Cho is drawing it. That's how bad this is. I'm complaining about Frank Cho drawing hot women. That's pretty fucking bad."
—Topless Robot, "The 5 Best and Worst Comics of 2010"
"True Lies is James Cameron throwing his hands and credibility into the air and going, 'FUCK YOU, brown people, FUCK YOU annoying children, FUCK YOU annoying women, SHOOTING SOLVES EVERYTHIIIIING!'"
"Pain and Gain is the cinematic equivalent of being chased around a rugby changing room with a lubed-up dildo and repeatedly called a faggot. Dildos, incidentally, are used for comic effect throughout this permanently flexing, closeted fratboy, macho romp. There’s also a little person in a fight scene, for literally no other reason than to have him hauled into the air by Dwayne Johnson while his tiny legs kick against the wall, as Michael Bay guffaws offscreen into a giant mountain of coke."
"I hate to use the word 'overrated' just because I think it is a trollish term...But there are a few films where I simply cannot get the praise for. One of which is Scarface. I can’t tell you how many teens I see with Scarface swag all over the place. It also seems like a movie for posers so they seem like manly men to all their friends. There is something about a guy who proudly proclaims Scarface is his favorite movie that makes me think they secretly have Sleepless In Seattle hiding in their bedroom. "
"My Mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife!"
"In a better world, the go-to album for picking up chicks would be John Legend's smooth respectful requests for the 'Green Light,' and not Robin Thicke's pushy, mouth-breathing insistence that 'You Know You Want It.'"
Fuck your lonely shit /b/!!!!! This might be Valentine's Day, but god damn stop being pussies. This is a manly thread, we talk manly shit up in here!!!!! SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST????
A HOT ENGINE BLOCK SMOTHERED IN RANCID OIL! WASHED THAT SHIT DOWN WITH A STEIN OF DRANO THEN PICKED MY TEETH WITH A SIGNPOST
[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST
INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST, I HAD SEX WITH A BEAR.
— /b/, "Post #117133822" et al.