Quotes / Testosterone Poisoning

Comic Books

Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat.

Fan Works

Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.

Film—Animated

El Macho...He was ruthless! He was dangerous! And as the name implies...very macho! He had a reputation of pulling a heist using only his bare hands! Ah, but sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon. He died in the most macho way possible: on a shark with 250,000 dynamites strapped to his chest, into the mouth of an active volcano! It was glorious!
Gru, Despicable Me 2

Film — Live-Action

I can't believe this macho bullshit! These guys eat too much red meat!
Cindy, Commando

Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here! This stuff will make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus! Just like me!
Blain Cooper when his squadmates decline his offer of chewing tobacco, Predator

Music

Professional Wrestling

I can tear a telephone directory in two
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you
—The verses to Villainous Crossdresser "Exotic" Adrian Street's theme music.

Stand-Up Comedy

If you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed. Real men do not read anything other than Guns And Ammo, Sports Illustrated, or Shaved Beaver...I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho. Real men do not commit suicide.

Video Games

BY ENTERING THIS TOURNAMENT, YOU HAVE FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, AND WATCH MOVIES WITH COUPLES KISSING IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!
Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2

Web Animation

Halo is the premature ejaculation of video games, and I’m not just saying that because Halo 5 feels shorter than Cortana’s laundry list. It took till Super Mario Galaxy for Mario to splooge his last, and that was Halo’s starting point: kick off with huge galaxies-spanning threats and giant fat-arsed space prostitutes with fanny cankers the size of small moons, and where the fuck are you supposed to go from there? Maybe you could breathe some life in with by switching to a more-focused character narrative? But the prerequisite for that is actually having characters beyond titty holograms and giant dustbins on legs.

Web Comics
Jared: But I wanna be a huge tanky renegade cool dude like all these guys!
Commander: ...A lotta these guys are in pretty rough mental shape 'cause they got too hung up on bein' th' biggest, strongest, highest power leveled dude in town... I mean just look at this.
Goku, Kratos, Wolverine, Zaraki, and Dio Brando: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Commander: Sometimes they just do that fer like 20 solid minutes. I got no idea why.

Web Original

Lotta talk about that sniper picture in Hollywood this week, and I couldn’t be happier for my dear old friend, CLINT EASTWOOD! Dirty Harry himself! Old? YOU BET! Crazy? HOLY SHIT THE MAN SCARES EVERYONE WHO MEETS HIM. The one time I invited Clint over to Woodland, he didn’t touch any of the food or hookers or coke or hookers or free bowls of cash or hookers or stacks of municipal treasury bonds or signed JFK portraits or hookers at all! Instead, he went right up to my fireplace and pointed up at an old Winchester rifle that had been given to me by none other than Emilio Zapata! (I saved his life once! Long story, but it ends with him getting laid!)

“'That your rifle?’ Clint asks. Well, of course it was! Shiny? YOU BET. Loaded? OH I ALWAYS KEEP GUNS LOADED. More fun that way. So Clint grabs the rifle and starts talking to it. ‘Well, Louise, what do we think?’ he asked it, aiming the gun at every person in the house, ‘Can we trust them?’ Everyone got real quiet. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA KILL US ALL! ‘Yeah, they’re okay, Louise. But there’s one bad one, yeah… And I think it’s right over… HERE.’ BOOM! He fired the rifle right at a banana! Everyone screamed! Nicholson dropped his coke mirror! It was chaos! Then he walked over and picked up the smoking banana and handed it to me, and I saw the banana was brown and rotten.

’Took care of that one for ya,’ he said, and then he strolled out! I never saw him again! Last time I ever have the help buy bananas. Holy shit!

For those of you who don't know, Road House is an exceptionally homoerotic action film about a bouncer named Dalton (played by a perpetually-shirtless Patrick Swayze), a man so badass that he sews up his own knife wounds after tearing his opponent's throat out barehanded. Together with his bouncer mentor, a greasy-haired Sam Elliot, they battle the ascot-wearing villain and his flunkies who have a monster truck and far too-tight blue jeans. Dalton is a tortured hero and applies his philosophy degree to the art of ass-whoopin', spouting Zen philosophies to his disciples while teaching them how to be better bouncers. But really, the movie is about Patrick Swayze's oiled chest, because you spend 90% of the movie looking at it...

Drive Angry is Nic Cage mashed down into a projector and spunked all over the screen in big, glorious spurts of movie jizz. Drive Angry is exactly how I want my Nic Cage. With the grim reaper giving chase, Cage’s John Milton escapes from hell – in a car, because you can get there with a SatNav I guess – to stop his granddaughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult. You might as well stick this one in the documentary pile, cos it’s just a regular day for Nic Fucking Cage, and I suspect I blinked and missed the “Based on a true story...” title.

David: Bruce absolutely has the body language of a dude at a bar who is trying to work The Game on a lady… not that I’d know.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
Laura Hudson and David Wolfkin, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"

Sitting there watching Jon and Ponch tooling around on their tricked-out KZ1000 rigs, their gladiator-gold helmets shining in the blazing California sun, their toreador-tight jodhpurs competing with their skin-snug uniform shirts for just a millimeter of breathing space, I realized these Olympian West Coast Sun Gods of the Forever Spinning Firestones were providing thrills, spills, disco dance moves, handy driving tips, and some questionable after-hours wardrobe choices, in epic, Biblical proportions... Jon then gets invited to a disco dance contest by a beautiful blonde car dealer, who also has tickets for Ponch, who shows up and blows everybody away with a solo number right out of Saturday Night Fever, finishing up just in time to deliver a baby, right on the dance room floor. Read over that plot description again, and tell me if CHiPs isn't the Citizen Kane of network TV?
Paul Mavis, "I Have Seen the Light, and it is CHiPs"

Picture a mugger, emerging from the darkness. What would you do? If you're like most Americans, you've already played out this fantasy hundreds of times with each of your handguns and tactical knives. You'd attack secret weak points of his face, known only to you. Your strength, speed, and stamina would be made limitless by adrenaline. The mugger's ladies would switch sides, flinging their bikini bottoms toward your spinning kicks. In fact, it's almost stupid to still be talking about this mugger since he's dead at your feet. "That's the way of the streets" you might growl at his pieces before bringing your saxophone to your lips. 'Fwrrff!!! Hrmmm fmfffhheeeeeeeee!!'

Fuck your lonely shit /b/!!!!! This might be Valentine's Day, but god damn stop being pussies. This is a manly thread, we talk manly shit up in here!!!!! SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST????

A HOT ENGINE BLOCK SMOTHERED IN RANCID OIL! WASHED THAT SHIT DOWN WITH A STEIN OF DRANO THEN PICKED MY TEETH WITH A SIGNPOST

[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST

INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST, I HAD SEX WITH A BEAR.
/b/, "Post #117133822" et al.

Web Video

Welcome back to The Joe Rogan Show! HI-YAH!! Be sure to pick up my processed protein and organic pussy juice and my dildos! They're 10% off of my website this week using the promo code "FUCK IT HIYAAAH TAP OUT HIYAH NEEHAA"!!

He refuses to eat anything that he hasn't already killed himself. It actually made craft services really awkward.

I can't even really say this is So Bad, It's Good; it's actually just—just kinda great.

Blade is singing karaoke. They get him up there to sing karaoke while his blind friend plays the keyboard (of course). And during this karaoke song, the girlfriend is kidnapped by Machete's goons.

So Blade goes to fight them and retrieves his friend... while still singing the karaoke song.
Allison Pregler on Kindergarten Ninja

True Lies is James Cameron throwing his hands and credibility into the air and going, 'FUCK YOU, brown people, FUCK YOU annoying children, FUCK YOU annoying women, SHOOTING SOLVES EVERYTHIIIIING!'

HBomb: Drinking liquor in a car has never been a bad idea, rite guise? But don't worry about Davis getting in a car accident though, folks. He's got it under control; he never actually drinks more than a thimble-full of the stuff in his videos, and just sort of pretends to drink it. The important thing is making people think you're cool, even if you have to dress like a pirate to do it.
Davis Aurini: We're in good company with this; look up the production of the first Godfather movies. So, we're not alone.
HBomb: I think I'm having a heart attack, seriously. My heart hurts. I can't take this.
hbomberguy, "The Sarkeesian Effect: In Crisis"

"My Mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife!"

Western Animation

Not man enough? Not man enough?! I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!
Testosteraur the Manotaur, Gravity Falls, "Dipper vs. Manliness"

Real Life

Hemingway used to come into Toots Shor's whenever he was in New York, and one time, Joe E. Lewis told him I'd been a professional fighter. After that, all he wanted to do was arm-wrestle me at the table.
Alan King, Name Dropping
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