Quotes: Testosterone Poisoning

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    Comic Books 

Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat.


Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.

    Film — Live-Action 

I can't believe this macho bullshit! These guys eat too much red meat!
Cindy, Commando

Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here! This stuff will make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus! Just like me!
Blain Cooper when his squadmates decline his offer of chewing tobacco, Predator


Well you can beat on your chest
Hell any monkey can
Bruce Springsteen, "Real Man"

    Professional Wrestling 

I can tear a telephone directory in two
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you
—The verses to Villainous Crossdresser "Exotic" Adrian Street's theme music.

    Stand-Up Comedy 

I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
George Carlin, "Modern Man"

If you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed. Real men do not read anything other than Guns And Ammo, Sports Illustrated, or Shaved Beaver...I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho. Real men do not commit suicide.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

    Video Games 

Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2

    Web Original 

David: Bruce absolutely has the body language of a dude at a bar who is trying to work The Game on a lady… not that I’d know.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
Laura Hudson and David Wolfkin, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"

The nurse says she’ll need a urine sample, and asks him to “fill this beaker for me.” And we learn that despite his age, Bond still has a way with the ladies when he replies, From here? Oh, James, you charmer, you. Of course, this being James Bond, the nurse has to act like the idea of a man whipping it out and long-distance peeing right in front of her is somehow a turn-on. Hey, maybe if you’re really special, he’ll take a dump on your head!

Dildos, incidentally, are used for comic effect throughout this permanently flexing, closeted fratboy, macho romp. There’s also a little person in a fight scene, for literally no other reason than to have him hauled into the air by Dwayne Johnson while his tiny legs kick against the wall, as Michael Bay guffaws offscreen into a giant mountain of coke.

Picture a mugger, emerging from the darkness. What would you do? If you're like most Americans, you've already played out this fantasy hundreds of times with each of your handguns and tactical knives. You'd attack secret weak points of his face, known only to you. Your strength, speed, and stamina would be made limitless by adrenaline. The mugger's ladies would switch sides, flinging their bikini bottoms toward your spinning kicks. In fact, it's almost stupid to still be talking about this mugger since he's dead at your feet. "That's the way of the streets" you might growl at his pieces before bringing your saxophone to your lips. 'Fwrrff!!! Hrmmm fmfffhheeeeeeeee!!'

He currently runs a clothing shop called Alpha Male Shit, where you can buy T-shirts with inspirational messages on them, such as I DO ALPHA MALE SHIT. You can also buy a shirt with "Don't Be a Pussy" written backward on it. Why is it backward? Because I'm tailgating you with my motorcycle—NOW OUTTA MY WAY, PUSSY!
Drew Magary on Jonathan Koppenhaver, "The 25 Biggest Sleazebags in Sports!"

Fuck your lonely shit /b/!!!!! This might be Valentine's Day, but god damn stop being pussies. This is a manly thread, we talk manly shit up in here!!!!! SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST????


[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST

/b/, "Post #117133822" et al.

    Web Video 

He refuses to eat anything that he hasn't already killed himself. It actually made craft services really awkward.

True Lies is James Cameron throwing his hands and credibility into the air and going, 'FUCK YOU, brown people, FUCK YOU annoying children, FUCK YOU annoying women, SHOOTING SOLVES EVERYTHIIIIING!'

HBomb: Drinking liquor in a car has never been a bad idea, rite guise? But don't worry about Davis getting in a car accident though, folks. He's got it under control; he never actually drinks more than a thimble-full of the stuff in his videos, and just sort of pretends to drink it. The important thing is making people think you're cool, even if you have to dress like a pirate to do it.
Davis Aurini: We're in good company with this; look up the production of the first Godfather movies. So, we're not alone.
HBomb: I think I'm having a heart attack, seriously. My heart hurts. I can't take this.
hbomberguy, "The Sarkeesian Effect: In Crisis"

"My Mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife!"

    Western Animation 

Not man enough? Not man enough?! I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!
Testosteraur the Manotaur, Gravity Falls, "Dipper vs. Manliness"

    Real Life 

Hemingway used to come into Toots Shor's whenever he was in New York, and one time, Joe E. Lewis told him I'd been a professional fighter. After that, all he wanted to do was arm-wrestle me at the table.
Alan King, Name Dropping

(John) Kerry's theatrics did not improve as the primary campaign wore on. The Massachusetts senator all but asked Republicans to ridicule him, with ad-libs such as, 'Who among us does not love NASCAR?' In an interview in the men's magazine GQ, he joined he reporter for a beer (alcoholic—no teetotaler he!) while confessing to a modicum of lust for Charlize Theron and Catherine Zeta-Jones. One day during the campaign he invited reporters to follow him around on a 'day off,' when his errands included buying a jockstrap.
Frank Rich, The Greatest Story Ever Sold

The internal qualities once said to embody manhood — surefootedness, inner strength, confidence of purpose — are merchandised back to men to enhance their manliness. The more productive aspects of manhood, such as building or cultivating or contributing to a society, couldn't establish a foothold on the shiny flat surface of a commercial culture, a looking-glass before which men could only act out a crude semblance of masculinity.
Katherine Viner, Stiffed