Quotes: Testosterone Poisoning

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    Comic Books 

Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat.

    Fanfiction 

Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.

    Film — Live-Action 

I can't believe this macho bullshit! These guys eat too much red meat!
Cindy, Commando

Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here! This stuff will make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus! Just like me!
Blain Cooper when his squadmates decline his offer of chewing tobacco, Predator

    Music 

Well you can beat on your chest
Hell any monkey can
Bruce Springsteen, "Real Man"

    Professional Wrestling 

I can tear a telephone directory in two
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you
—The verses to Villainous Crossdresser "Exotic" Adrian Street's theme music.

    Stand-Up Comedy 

I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
George Carlin, "Modern Man"

I have a few rules when I'm up here... Faggots aren't allowed to look at my ass while I'm onstage. That's why I keep moving when I'm up here. (You don't know where the faggot section is, so I keep moving.)
Eddie Murphy, Delirious, (1983)

Here's a cold hard fact that you must now chew and swallow: if you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed. Real men do not read anything other than Guns And Ammo, Sports Illustrated, or Shaved Beaver...I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho. Real men do not commit suicide.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

    Video Games 

BY ENTERING THIS TOURNAMENT, YOU HAVE FORFEITED YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, AND WATCH MOVIES WITH COUPLES KISSING IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!
Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2

    Web Original 

Male who cannot 'lose face' in front of his mates or women. most macho men have the emotional range of a teaspoon and have enough empathy to fill the ink tube in a pen. Macho men find any contact with other males to be of 'homosexual' nature, with the exception of the 'manly handshake'.

I remember reading news stories about Patrick Stewart being unhappy about the apparently asexual Captain role he had been handed on the show and was going to the lengths of suggesting that he would quit if something wasn’t done about it. So it comes to two episodes in a row where the Captain has become irresistible to women (well Dr Bev and Vash) and he even starts getting his chest out to prove his virility. It is not a shift in his favour as far as I am concerned, I rather thought the idea was to contrast Picard with Kirk and it was his more thoughtful, less kinky behaviour that really stood him out as being something different...Less of an episode of Star Trek and more of an installment of Patrick Stewart’s mid life crisis with him parading around in his underpants with his hairy chest on display and being the object of lust for some of the most beautiful women in the galaxy.
Joe Ford on Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Captain's Holiday"

David: Bruce absolutely has the body language of a dude at a bar who is trying to work The Game on a lady… not that I’d know.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
Laura Hudson and David Wolfkin, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"

Just when you think Jeph Loeb's influence on the Ultimate line couldn't get any worse, here comes the continuing adventures of the Ultimates, a title on which Loeb last gave us the brilliant line, 'I guess that makes me the mother fucker.' Yes, it does. On so many, many levels. This book features characterizations so bad that they completely contradict the entire purpose of the Ultimate Universe by making it indistinguishable from the 616 AND sets back women in comics about 40 years...a string of pointless events and women taking their clothes off for no other reason that Frank Cho is drawing it. That's how bad this is. I'm complaining about Frank Cho drawing hot women. That's pretty fucking bad.

Eventually the studio settled on Brett 'I'm an Objectively Unlikable Meatball-Hamster of a Person' Ratner, who looked at impossible deadlines and a lack of script with the kind of undeserved confidence for which he is known, and said, 'I can make this [expletive deleted] movie, [homophobic slur deleted] [racist remark deleted], and furthermore [obviously fake boast of sexual conquest deleted].

Pain and Gain is the cinematic equivalent of being chased around a rugby changing room with a lubed-up dildo and repeatedly called a faggot. Dildos, incidentally, are used for comic effect throughout this permanently flexing, closeted fratboy, macho romp. There’s also a little person in a fight scene, for literally no other reason than to have him hauled into the air by Dwayne Johnson while his tiny legs kick against the wall, as Michael Bay guffaws offscreen into a giant mountain of coke.

Remember 2005? Back when we didn’t have a lot of good comic book movies to celebrate? Back before the first 300 movie, when the whole idea of that posturing 'no homo' otherness-phobic carnival of green screened pomposity seemed like it might have cultural value? Back before Frank Miller’s swastika-festooned The Spirit left a bad taste in everyone’s mouths? Back when people were still insisting The Dark Knight Strikes Again was actually good satire, before Holy Terror confirmed that, no, Frank Miller is actually frighteningly sincere? Back when we clung to deniability? Good news, everyone! It’s 2005 again, and we get another chance to pretend Mickey Rourke poking his head through a loaf of bread is a thing that works...It’s also ‘Red Band,’ which means you have to be a mature person to watch it, ironically.

I hate to use the word 'overrated' just because I think it is a trollish term...But there are a few films where I simply cannot get the praise for. One of which is Scarface. I can’t tell you how many teens I see with Scarface swag all over the place. It also seems like a movie for posers so they seem like manly men to all their friends. There is something about a guy who proudly proclaims Scarface is his favorite movie that makes me think they secretly have Sleepless In Seattle hiding in their bedroom.
Miles Antwiler on The Boondock Saints 2: All Saint's Day

Picture a mugger, emerging from the darkness. What would you do? If you're like most Americans, you've already played out this fantasy hundreds of times with each of your handguns and tactical knives. You'd attack secret weak points of his face, known only to you. Your strength, speed, and stamina would be made limitless by adrenaline. The mugger's ladies would switch sides, flinging their bikini bottoms toward your spinning kicks. In fact, it's almost stupid to still be talking about this mugger since he's dead at your feet. "That's the way of the streets" you might growl at his pieces before bringing your saxophone to your lips. 'Fwrrff!!! Hrmmm fmfffhheeeeeeeee!!'

Where is Murdoch’s ominous News Corporation taking game culture? To 'Bro-verload', obviously. IGN Entertainment’s 'original properties' include garbage like AskMen.com and TeamXbox, which may explain the obvious bias they’ve had for that console since it was announced. The 360 is the Halo toting, frat-boy catering, Doritos and Mountain Dew consuming spokesman for the industry today. Everybody’s favorite gaming site is plainly obsessed with alienating women, intelligent people, and anyone with a fiber of shame. Gaming rightfully belongs to nerds first, but nerds have a pesky tendency to question everything they’re told and think for themselves; so why not seduce nerds into becoming asshole 'bros' instead!

I was working at a chain Italian restaurant. This older married couple comes in, and I know I'm in trouble when he orders Ecco Domani merlot and states that "there are no good domestic wines" and that he wants "the good stuff" (Ecco Domani, for those who have never had it, is pretty foul)... So they scarf down the food and the guy immediately demands their plate be taken away — only they ate their dinner so fast that the plate is still flaming hot. I touch it for a second, realize the heat level, and then go to get my towel to hold it. The jackass sarcastically says, "here, tender loving care!" and picks up the plate to show how macho he is. So like any good smartass, I drop my towel and take forever to pick it up while his mistake starts to sink in. He can't back down at this point, so he starts bobbling it in his hands, and eventually has to yell 'take it!' He had to have been in horrible pain.

Unfamiliar with the MMA fighter born Jonathan Koppenhaver? Allow us to introduce you! He's been thrown in jail multiple times for multiple bar fights in multiple states. He once joked on Twitter about raping his porn-star ex-girlfriend Christy Mack. He got kicked out of the UFC, then got kicked out of the porn business after going on a rampage at an industry pool party. This summer, he went on the lam after allegedly beating Mack half to death and was tracked down by the cops hiding out in a Simi Valley extended-stay hotel. He currently runs a clothing shop called Alpha Male Shit, where you can buy T-shirts with inspirational messages on them, such as I DO ALPHA MALE SHIT. You can also buy a shirt with "Don't Be a Pussy" written backward on it. Why is it backward? Because I'm tailgating you with my motorcycle—NOW OUTTA MY WAY, PUSSY!
Drew Magary, "The 25 Biggest Sleazebags in Sports!"

My son is tall for his age. He turned 6 and was at a birthday party for a classmate at a friend's home. Another father asked if my son liked football, as he was a coach of a Pop Warner team. I said he likes the Steelers. This caused him to recoil in horror. I then told him he doesn't want to play, since his friend who plays Pop Warner now gets bad migraines from a concussion he got in football.

The coach said, after sipping a beer (7yr old's birthday party mind you) 'Oh, so you are raising a queer.' I was shocked. He said that PCS is a myth and my son's friend was probably going to be gay as well.

I mean, I was once a proper white male manly man doing superior ultra manly stuff and not having people already smell the queer on me and treat me accordingly and then boom, a gender studies professor with a big pointy hat jumped out from behind a bush and BAM! just like that I was sporting a rack and choosing to live a life of disownment, discrimination, and the ever-hanging spectre of death.

AND IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU DO NOT HEED MY WARNING!!!

Fuck your lonely shit /b/!!!!! This might be Valentine's Day, but god damn stop being pussies. This is a manly thread, we talk manly shit up in here!!!!! SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST????

A HOT ENGINE BLOCK SMOTHERED IN RANCID OIL! WASHED THAT SHIT DOWN WITH A STEIN OF DRANO THEN PICKED MY TEETH WITH A SIGNPOST

[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST

INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST, I HAD SEX WITH A BEAR.
/b/, "Post #117133822" et al.

In between talking about how he’s a good Catholic boy who doesn’t jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men’s Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would’ve served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of 'Wild Side'.

The bald eagle has stopped letting out a 'Never Forget' tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky’s mouth...Marky would’ve made those terrorists bleed through their eyes by showing his movie Rock Star in the first class cabin. Marky Mark does’t act in action movies, he LIVES in action movies and I hope that nobody ever yells 'Cut!' on his ass, because what comes out of his mouth is gold-plated shit soup for my soul.
Michael K., "Marky Mark Would’ve Killed The 9/11 Terrorists With His Funky Punches! PAH!"

    Web Video 

He refuses to eat anything that he hasn't already killed himself. It actually made craft services really awkward.

In a better world, the go-to album for picking up chicks would be John Legend's smooth respectful requests for the 'Green Light,' and not Robin Thicke's pushy, mouth-breathing insistence that 'You Know You Want It.'
Todd in the Shadows on "All of Me"

True Lies is James Cameron throwing his hands and credibility into the air and going, 'FUCK YOU, brown people, FUCK YOU annoying children, FUCK YOU annoying women, SHOOTING SOLVES EVERYTHIIIIING!'

"My Mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife!"

    Western Animation 

Not man enough? Not man enough?! I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!
Testosteraur the Manotaur, Gravity Falls, "Dipper vs. Manliness"

    Real Life 

In the next box, Mussolini, wearing a white uniform. At the first interval, he rose and saluted the soprano. Audiences cheered. Then he left the box. As he passed me, I smelled heavy cologne.
Gore Vidal, Palimpsest

Are you real men or some goddamned faggots?
Nikita Khrushchev to some avant-garde artists, 1962

Hemingway used to come into Toots Shor's whenever he was in New York, and one time, Joe E. Lewis told him I'd been a professional fighter. After that, all he wanted to do was arm-wrestle me at the table.
Alan King, Name Dropping

I have always thought of the word ‘macho’ in terms of what it means in Mexico—a particularly ugly peacockery, a conspicuous cruelty to women and animals and children, a gratuitous viciousness.
Jim Harrison

Only Napoleon did more than I have done. But I am definitely taller.
Silvio Berlusconi

(John) Kerry's theatrics did not improve as the primary campaign wore on. The Massachusetts senator all but asked Republicans to ridicule him, with ad-libs such as, 'Who among us does not love NASCAR?' In an interview in the men's magazine GQ, he joined he reporter for a beer (alcoholic—no teetotaler he!) while confessing to a modicum of lust for Charlize Theron and Catherine Zeta-Jones. One day during the campaign he invited reporters to follow him around on a 'day off,' when his errands included buying a jockstrap.
Frank Rich, The Greatest Story Ever Sold

Lawrence Tierney, who played Cyrus Redblock, was infamous around Hollywood for having much in common with the tough guys he played in the movies. I had an encounter of my own with him just outside Stage 16 while we filmed this episode. 'Hey,' he said to me one afternoon between scenes, 'do you play football?'

I was 15 at the time, and weighed 95 pounds...if I was soaking wet and carrying a ten-pound weight. 'Uh, no,' I said.

He leaned into me, menacingly. 'Why the hell not? What are you, some kind of sissy faggot?'

I panicked, certain that he was going to beat the shit out of me because I was more comfortable throwing 3d6 than a pigskin. 'I'm not strong enough to play football!' I said.

'Well, maybe you wouldn't be so weak if you played football!' he growled. An assistant director arrived just in time to call us to the set and save me from certain death.
Wil Wheaton on the making of Star Trek: The Next Generation, "The Big Goodbye"

Mike [Wilson] brought me that bitch ad and I thought it was funny. I told Mike people might take it the wrong way, but he just said, 'Don't be a pussy!'
John Romero on his immortal Daikatana advertisements

At the end of that bit, when Ashton comes out, ‘You’re on Punk'd blah blah blah, and everyone is celebrating … the bit is over, the cameras are off, and he keeps saying, ‘Yeah, man. I was about to fucking punch you. And I was like, 'Hmm mmm, alright.’

‘Dude, I was for real man, I was about to fucking punch you out.’

And I’m like, OK, that’s number two. I’m thinking how many times can I hear this dude in his golf outfit — he was wearing a golf outfit — tell me he can punch me out before I’m just not going to be able to handle it? And God Bless Ashton. He goes, ‘When were you going to punch him? Before or after you were crying?’
Dax Shepard on Justin Timberlake

The internal qualities once said to embody manhood — surefootedness, inner strength, confidence of purpose — are merchandised back to men to enhance their manliness. The more productive aspects of manhood, such as building or cultivating or contributing to a society, couldn't establish a foothold on the shiny flat surface of a commercial culture, a looking-glass before which men could only act out a crude semblance of masculinity.
Katherine Viner, Stiffed