Quotes: Suspect Is Hatless

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."
Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons, "Homer's Triple Bypass"

The year after the Super Bowl loss I watched the season opener at my neighborhood bar in Philly. The place was packed with your typical Eagles fans — lots of mustaches, jorts, Westbrook jerseys and Marb Light smoke.

The next morning, every telephone pole on my street had a yellow flyer stapled to it. It was an alert saying there had been an attempted sexual assault on the block the previous night.

The description of the attacker: White male, mid-30's, stocky build, mustache, wearing an Eagles jersey.