Remember: People still sell snake oil. They just put pictures of leaves on the bottle now.
We'll drink, a drink, a drink,
To Lily the Pink, the Pink, the Pink,
The saviour of the human race.
For she invented Medicinal Compound,
Most efficacious in ev'ry case.
To Lily the Pink, the Pink, the Pink,
The saviour of the human race.
For she invented Medicinal Compound,
Most efficacious in ev'ry case.
—Lily the Pink
, Scaffold
, Scaffold"Sell your tonics elsewhere, miracle man!"
— The Engineer upon dominating a Medic, Team Fortress 2
By definition (I begin), alternative medicine (I continue) has either not been proved to work or been proved not to work. Do you know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? Medicine.
Wallace: So we sell two products here, NasaPRO and NasaPRO Silver. We aim this at seniors. Now, you can't legally call it medicine because it doesn't technically "work" and it is technically "chalk", so what you're gonna want to do —
Eleanor: You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine. I get it, man.
Eleanor: You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake medicine. I get it, man.
The Mystery Man got nervous
And he fidget around a bit
He reached in the pocket of his Mystery Robe
And he whipped out a shaving kit
Now, I thought it was a razor
And a can of foamin' goo
But he told me right then when the top popped open
There was nothin' his box won't do
With the oil of Aphrodite
And the dust of The Grand Wazoo
He said: "You might not believe this, little fella
But it'll cure your Asthma too!"
And he fidget around a bit
He reached in the pocket of his Mystery Robe
And he whipped out a shaving kit
Now, I thought it was a razor
And a can of foamin' goo
But he told me right then when the top popped open
There was nothin' his box won't do
With the oil of Aphrodite
And the dust of The Grand Wazoo
He said: "You might not believe this, little fella
But it'll cure your Asthma too!"
"'Tis my strong conviction that every man, woman, and child has the right to a decent life, do they not? A life free of struggles and hardship! Freeeee of a bad complexion! Free of clogged chakras! And free of having to read a single science textbook!"
—JonTron (as "Dr. Jonathan Tronley"), "Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop"
"My friends, this here bottle contains a guaranteed all-purpose remedy for prostration, inflation and frustration! Pneumonia and old monia! Distemper, dat temper and bad temper! Sunburn, heartburn, and Tony Blackburn!"
— Graham Garden, The Goodies, "Hospital for Hire"
Mr. Dale: My daughter gained her super-strength by drinking this power tonic every day for one month! It's made from an ancient Indian formula! Drink it and it will give you the same powers, folks!
Supergirl: (thinking) Great Krypton! This was all a... a racket!
Supergirl: (thinking) Great Krypton! This was all a... a racket!
— Action Comics #254
Shang Tsung: This elixir is crafted from an ancient recipe. It has Pattreon flowers, Margovian nectar, and powdered teeth of an Arctikan dragon, all this and more, infused with powerful Lekorian magic. There is a village in the next canton over, where everyone has purchased this miracle cure. Overnight, all diseases — even Tarkat - have disappeared! Now, magic this potent is expensive, and I am sure you are asking yourselves, "Can I afford it?" But the true question you must ask is, "Can I afford to be without it?"
Dissatisfied Customer: You lie, Shang Tsung! Your cures are useless!
Shang Tsung: I'm sorry, you are...?
Dissatisfied Customer: Someone fool enough to have believed you! My daughter was dying when you came to my farm. You promised a miracle, and I gave you all I had, but only days later...she was dead.
Shang Tsung: [smug chuckle] That is impossible. My magic could not have failed her.
Dissatisfied Customer: THERE WAS NO MAGIC!! I took your elixir to an imperial mage, and you know what she said?! [angrily throws Shang Tsung's "cure" to the ground] IT'S NOTHING! JUST BORJANG TEA!
Dissatisfied Customer: You lie, Shang Tsung! Your cures are useless!
Shang Tsung: I'm sorry, you are...?
Dissatisfied Customer: Someone fool enough to have believed you! My daughter was dying when you came to my farm. You promised a miracle, and I gave you all I had, but only days later...she was dead.
Shang Tsung: [smug chuckle] That is impossible. My magic could not have failed her.
Dissatisfied Customer: THERE WAS NO MAGIC!! I took your elixir to an imperial mage, and you know what she said?! [angrily throws Shang Tsung's "cure" to the ground] IT'S NOTHING! JUST BORJANG TEA!
