Quotes / Sarcastic Confession

Jack: Well, then, I confess: It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer me weaselly black guts out.
Murtogg: I said no lies!
Mullroy: I think he's telling the truth.
Murtogg: If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us.
Jack: Unless of course he knew you wouldn't believe the truth, even if he told you.

Gus: You named your fake detective agency "Psych"? As in "gotcha"? Why didn't you just call it "Hey, we're fooling you and the police department; hope we don't make a mistake and somebody dies because of it."
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long; it would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way you convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are!
Psych, Pilot episode

"People often think I'm a faker, but I'm usually honest, in a certain way — in such a way that often nobody believes me!"
Richard Feynman, Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!

"...Never tell a ticket agent, "As a matter of fact, I DID accept items from persons unknown to me! A nice man in a chadar gave me this awesome luggage freshener with a clock attached!" Federal regulations require them to have no idea you're joking as they riddle your body with bullets."

Lois Lane: I'm confused, Kent. See, I've lived in Metropolis most of my life and I can't figure out how some yokel from Smallville is suddenly getting every hot story in town.
Clark Kent: Well Lois, the truth is I'm actually Superman in disguise, and I only pretend to be a journalist in order to hear about disasters as they happen and then squeeze you out of the byline.
Lois Lane: You're a sick man, Kent. [leaves]
Clark Kent: You asked...

Charles Stoltz: Clark Kent the ultimate Troll
ReduxEditor335: She asked. And its not lying if you confess sarcastically. xD

Bass: Everything that she said is completely accurate! There's no prize waiting for you in the desert! Only death! I'm just trying to trick you! I'm using your own arrogance and pride against you! IN FACT, I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW!
Amon: Absurd! I'm far too intelligent to fall for such a plan!

"And now I'm using sarcasm, to confess the whole thing so later I could say I already told you."
Homer, The Simpsons, "Bart Has Two Mommies"

"You lied to me by telling me the truth?"
Captain Jack Sparrow, who is surprised for all of a quarter second, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me."
Camillo Benso Conte di Cavour

"Actually, we're having an illicit affair in the photocopying room."
Penny, having been nearly caught having an illicit affair in the photocopying room for the second time in as many minutes, Teachers

"It’s not enough to be able to lie with a straight face; anybody with enough gall to raise on a busted flush can do that. The first way to lie artistically is to tell the truth — but not all of it. The second way involves telling the truth, too, but is harder: Tell the exact truth and maybe all of it…but tell it so unconvincingly that your listener is sure you are lying."
Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

"Well, in that case, you are dining with a psychopathic murderer, Frederick." *Clinks glasses*
Hannibal Lecter, psychopathic murderer

Hank: "To W.W. My star, my perfect silence." W.W. I mean, who do you figure that is, y'know? Woodrow Wilson? Willy Wonka? ...Walter White?
Walter: You got me.

Asuka: Anyway, how did you do that earlier?
Shinji: In situations where denial or dishonesty is expected, the truth can often be dismissed as fabrication. Control of a situation is not just based off what you do, but what others expect you to do.
Asuka: You… lied by telling the truth?
Shinji: Think of it like pretending to make a feint in combat. If your opponent expects you to feint, if you follow through then the expected strike was the lie while the feint was a real attack.
Asuka: Okay, that makes a bit more sense when put into those terms.

"It's so easy fitting in in this time. People ask me questions, I answer them honestly, and they assume I'm joking. So it all works out."
Miguel O'Hara, Spider-Man 2099

Customer: Ms. Gordon — your books are so real! How do you get so many details?
Barbara Gordon: I'm secretly Batgirl.
Customer: No, really!

Trini's Mother: So where were you last night?
Trini: Me and four kids found a spaceship buried underground.
Mother: What?
Trini: I'm pretty sure I'm a super hero.
Trini's Brothers: Cool.
Mother: [slams a container on the table] PEE IN THAT CUP!