Quotes / Right Behind Me

Colin: The new boss? I'll tell you what I think of him: he's vain, he's witless, he's morbidly obese, he's incompetent, he's devastatingly ugly, and he's standing right behind me, isn't he?
Woman: ...No.
Man: Of course he isn't, we'd have said.
Colin: [confused] Oh, OK. Um... Alright, in which case I can go on to say that he's ignorant, pretentious, has appalling personal hygiene, and now he really is standing right behind me, isn't he?
Man: No, he's not!
Colin: Then why have you got that weird, awkward, frozen look on your faces?
Woman: Well, because you've just launched into a tirade of furious bile against a man we've only just met!
Man: Yeah, you also seem to be suffering a fairly powerful delusion that he's following you...
Colin: Yeah, but... ohhhh, God, has no-one told you? I'm a sitcom character.
Colleague: Don't worry, I'll handle this - my brother's a sitcom character too. What's that you say about the new boss, Colin?
Colin: He's ugly and stupid and bald and awful!
Colleague: He's also in charge of who gets a Christmas bonus this year.
Colin: ...and I won't hear a word said against him! Ohthankyousomuch.

Warp: All I know is that we've searched half the Zeta quadrant to find the missing LGMs and what do we find? A lot of NOTHING!
[a crater viper rises up from a crater directly behind Warp; he sees Buzz's horrified expression]
Warp: [thumbing over his shoulder] There's something really bad behind me, isn't there?

Simmons: (referring to Grey's rescue of Alex and Rick) C'mon, I saw that one of the officers was female, and a cute one at that — I know you, Grey.
Grey: Her?! Please, she's way too uptight. I don't have time for girls like that.
Simmons: What, you think you even stand a chance?
Grey: Give me a break. She may have an attitude, but if I wanted her, I could have her by the end of the night.
Alex: Hm, I'll take that bet.
Terra #130

John Stewart: Anyway, why are we always talking about my love life? What's going on with you and Diana?
Batman: Nothing. She's a respected colleague.
John Stewart: Uh-huh.
Batman: I don't have time to pursue a relationship. My work is too important to allow any distractions. Diana's a remarkable woman. She's a valued friend. She's... standing right behind me, isn't she?
Wonder Woman: Don't let that stop you. Keep digging.
Justice League Unlimited, The Once And Future Thing Part One: Weird Western Tales

Sir Hiss: (singing) "Too late to be known as John the First, he's sure to be known as John the Woooors-s-s-s-s-s-t.
(Hiss sees Prince John appearing in the doorway and gulps)
Sir Hiss: (nervously) The fabulous, marvelous, merciful, chivalrous...
Sheriff: Oh, you got it all wrong, Hiss. "The sniveling, groveling, weaseling—"
Prince John: ENOUGH! (throws a wine bottle at them as the Sheriff ducks)

Within a month the pale-eyed ronin's name was on everybody's lips, even in the merchant's district. Everyone was Seta-sama this, Seta-sama that; even Chie’s getting sucked into the rumors surrounding him. “You know,” she said when picking up supplies for the local inn, “I heard he used to be in the daimyo's service! I wonder what happened?”
"Who knows?" Yosuke shrugged; people like him didn’t have much to do with the samurai, who usually sent servants to conduct their business for them anyway. The closest he got to dealing with them were the scruffy ronin wandering the merchant district in Nagato, but even that was a while ago. “Must’ve been something spectacular.”
"Not really." Said an amused voice behind him. Gods above, how could someone move so quietly? Yosuke whipped around, ready to reprimand the newcomer, when he found himself face to face with none other than the fabled Seta-sama.
Untitled historical AU Persona 4 fic

Goalie: I heard the new principal is crazy! She worked in a prison or something before she came here!
Connor: Don't worry about Randall. She's a woman! And women are just grown up girls! [goalie starts trying to cut him off] Need I say more?
Principal Randall: I think you've said quite enough, Mr. McKnight.
Connor: [turns around very slowly] Principal Randall! I have heard such great things about you!
Principal Randall: They're just rumors, I can assure you.

Hob: So whaddaya think these monsters look like, Elf?
Elf: I bet they're big and ugly, but not as ugly as you.
Hob: Ha! My momma'd slap you silly if the heard you talking 'bout her boy that way! *Elf's eyes widen* What? Did I just put the fear of my momma into tough little Elf? ...Or is there something really big and ugly, but not as ugly as me, standing right behind me?
Elf: Uglier, and there's four of 'em.

Brighton: Fran, you've gotta promise me you won't tell Dad I failed French, you know what a pain he can be.
Fran: Your father? The most compassionate, understanding, handsome-
Brighton: He's standing right behind me.
Fran: Oh, yeah.

Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom,
she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair,
she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!

[Kyle's mom arrives]
Students: [gasp]
Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
She's a stupid bitch!
Stan: Uh, Cartman—
Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's such a dirty bitch!
I really mean it.
Kyle's mom, she's a big fat fucking bitch!
Big old fat fucking bitch, Kyle's mom!
Yeah, chaaaa!
Students: [stunned silence]
Cartman: ...What? [turns around] ...Oh, fuck...