Quotes: Reality Ensues

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    fiction 

Bean-counters told me we literally could not afford to buy $7 worth of moon rocks, much like $70 million. Bought 'em anyway! Ground 'em up, mixed 'em into a gel. And guess what? Ground-up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill.
Cave Johnson, Portal 2

Sshhh. My common sense is tingling.

If anybody from the outside world could see how you treat me, you would be in JAIL!
Meg, Family Guy, "Seahorse Seashell Party"

It's so cold my internal processor is running at peak efficiency!
Bender, Futurama

In a game, it would work!
Momogawa, while having trouble driving a real tank, Girls und Panzer

His face set in an expression of grim determination, Don raised his leg and slammed the heel of his foot into the lock. There was a satisfying crack as the door completely failed to burst open in an explosion of reinforced metal. A crippling pain shot up his leg and a feeling of nausea overwhelmed him as the source of the cracking sound became apparent.

Fido: What exactly is an 'open' and 'closed' relationship again?
Ken: Well, in many cultures, including the one I was raised in, you kinda are expected to only... spend the nights with your mate-slash-romantic-partner, and nobody else.
Fido: ... That's odd... only thing I gotta go on here is genetic memory, and with hell hounds, their living situation is, um...
Ken: Yeah, that's why interspecies relationships often stumble over misunderstandings.

I wanted to become a superhero. I studied hard and worked out, so I could do it. But, one day, my teacher told me the truth: There's no job market for superheroes.
Masayoshi Hazama, Samurai Flamenco

(Quackerjack, Louie and Dewey are near the gondola system.)
Quackerjack: Behold! My master plan! On one gondola, dozens of innocent citizens. On the other, convicted criminals. And both gondolas are filled with high explosives. Hehehehe!
Dewey: So?
Quackerjack: So, I gave the people on each gondola a detonator for the other. Now, each side is faced with a moral dilemma. Kill or be killed, and they have 15 minutes to decide before I do! Hahaha!
(A gondola blows up.)
Quackerjack: What the...?! What just happened?!
Louie: Looks like the criminals blew up the civilians.
Quackerjack: But they weren't supposed to do that! I wanted to push the button!
Dewey: Then you shouldn't have given them detonators.
Louie: Especially to the criminals.
Ducktalez 6: The Duck Knight

Sir, I don't think love is a physical force that can stop us from being mauled by a grimm.

The ending of TAS is brilliantly written. It has a profound effect on the sensitive reader. It can leave you feeling upset for days, and the first reaction is to try to think of ways in which this terribly unfair (or so it seems) conclusion can be reversed. [[Fix Fic The temptation to rush to the keyboard and fix Philip Pullman’s ending is hard to resist.
->But wait. Please. Think about it a little. This book is "stark realism", as PP has said. Or to put it another way, bad things happen to good people. It’s simply the way the universe is made. (...) A sacrifice has to be complete and irreversible if it is to have any meaning. It’s all as straightforward as that.
The Commandments of HDM Fanfic by Ceres Wunderkind

    real life 

Jon: Oh ho ho! Looks like they caught ol' Kevin after all. His tricks and toy cars weren't enough to keep the fully-grown robbers with more-developed brains at bay.
Newspaper Headline: Missing since 1992.
JonTron plays Home Alone for the SNES

At the 2007 video game convention E3, Activision hired Jamie Kennedy to host their press conference. And I know what you're thinking: the nerd-pounding alpha male coming off the Oscar-snubbed hit Kickin' It Old Skool and a room full of video game players? This is going to be a bloodbath!

That's what he thought, too. He was going to dominate these stupid nerds so hard that he didn't bother to prepare. He got wasted and went on stage with nothing more than a few talking points about nerds not getting laid...His drunken train wreck got shredded in the press. Jamie didn't get this explained to him, but E3 is the biggest media event for the biggest media industry. Most of the audience members he was mocking were journalists, and dozens if not hundreds of them wrote about it. Activision found out that if you show someone the 28th Tony Hawk's Pro Skater game and then have a boozy actor disrespect their genitals, one of those events is more notable.

In general, a sports speech is delivered mostly to satisfy the ego of the person delivering it. Watch any NFL Films clip of Ray Lewis firing up his teammates for the eight thousandth time if you’d like proof...If you’ve watched enough movies where the hero gives a speech, (Braveheart, Gladiator, Patton, etc.), pretty soon you picture yourself doing likewise. Because in those movies, the players and/or soldiers are just automatons. The leading is more lionized than the action. I’ve muttered UNLEASH HELL to myself a thousand times at completely random moments. There’s the illusion that your words have such remarkable power that they can magically unlock the talents and ambitions of those around you. MY WORDS! MY POWERFUL WORDS!

“YOU MUST BAKE! Yeast is in your BLOOD! SUGAR IS YOUR LIFE FORCE! SPREAD THE JOY OF BUTTER!” among the women who run it. The bakery is work. It’s work they love, and they use recipes that are a family heirloom of experience and technique, but it is not an experience during which destiny and magical baker dust combine to protect them from the utter boredom of payroll, or the drudgery of cleaning. The bakery is a vocation, and a job, and it is an equal part of luck and labor that yield the success they’ve had so far. If Sophie had a motto on the wall, it’d probably be that ‘Luck is where opportunity and preparation meet.” Sophie works her ass off, as do her grandmother and the rest of their employees, and I had a lot of respect for her for that aspect of her character alone.
Review of Sugar Rush