Lotta talk about that sniper picture
in Hollywood this week, and I couldn’t be happier for my dear old friend, CLINT EASTWOOD
! Dirty Harry himself! Old? YOU BET! Crazy? HOLY SHIT THE MAN SCARES EVERYONE WHO MEETS HIM. The one time I invited Clint over to Woodland, he didn’t touch any of the food or hookers or coke or hookers or free bowls of cash or hookers or stacks of municipal treasury bonds or signed JFK portraits or hookers at all!
Instead, he went right up to my fireplace and pointed up at an old Winchester rifle that had been given to me by none other than Emilio Zapata! (I saved his life once! Long story, but it ends with him getting laid!)
“'That your rifle?’ Clint asks. Well, of course it was! Shiny? YOU BET. Loaded? OH I ALWAYS KEEP GUNS LOADED.
More fun that way. So Clint grabs the rifle and starts talking to it. ‘Well Louise, what do we think?
’ he asked it, aiming the gun at every person in the house, ‘Can we trust them?’ Everyone got real quiet. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA KILL US ALL! ‘Yeah, they’re okay, Louise. But there’s one bad one, yeah… And I think it’s right over… HERE.’ BOOM! He fired the rifle right at a banana! Everyone screamed! Nicholson
dropped his coke mirror! It was chaos! Then he walked over and picked up the smoking banana and handed it to me, and I saw the banana was brown and rotten.
’Took care of that one for ya,’ he said, and then he strolled out! I never saw him again! Last time I ever have the help buy bananas. Holy shit!
Get fucking fired up. No … I mean it. Shoot yourself full of Toradol, get red in the face, and GET FIRED UP, GOD DAMMIT. You see this chair? (throws chair
) I’M NOT LEAVING THIS STADIUM UNTIL BLOOD HAS BEEN SHED AND WE HAVE WALKED OUT OF THERE WITH ALL OF THE ENEMY’S GOLD AND WOMEN!
For those of you who don't know, Road House
is an exceptionally homoerotic action film about a bouncer named Dalton (played by a perpetually-shirtless Patrick Swayze
), a man so badass that he sews up his own knife wounds after tearing his opponent's throat out barehanded. Together with his bouncer mentor, a greasy-haired Sam Elliot, they battle the ascot-wearing villain and his flunkies who have a monster truck and far too-tight blue jeans. Dalton is a tortured hero and applies his philosophy degree to the art of ass-whoopin', spouting Zen philosophies to his disciples while teaching them how to be better bouncers. But really, the movie is about Patrick Swayze's oiled chest, because you spend 90% of the movie looking at it...
Now, the question you have to ask, then, is this: is it a good thing that there's a literal adaptation of Frank Miller
on our screens? Do you like watching what is essentially pro-wrestling if the wrestlers fucked and murdered each other onscreen, and are you okay with dialogue that sounds like it was written during the worst hangover ever? Is white blood erupting onto a black screen from a disembodied neck like a cum shot something you're into seeing over and over? Do you like seeing Eva Green
naked? ...You don't read the books or watch the movies looking for surprise plot twists - this is comfort food for hard-drinking assholes who wish they were tough guys but wouldn't want to seriously risk their lives, and I reckon I'm probably one of those.
is Nic Cage
mashed down into a projector and spunked all over the screen in big, glorious spurts of movie jizz. Drive Angry
is exactly how I want my Nic Cage. With the grim reaper giving chase, Cage’s John Milton escapes from hell – in a car
, because you can get there with a SatNav I guess – to stop his granddaughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult. You might as well stick this one in the documentary pile, cos it’s just a regular day for Nic Fucking Cage
, and I suspect I blinked and missed the “Based on a true story
At no point does the movie take itself seriously, nor is it even apologetic. It knows exactly what it is and accelerates full steam into an hour and a half of blood, guts, sex, drinking, smoking, and chugging beer out of skulls.
The world was hooked. People loved how Snake
was a hard-boiled anti-hero
; a perfect icon for the ‘90s
anti-establishment, grunge mentality, with enough brains and heart to avoid becoming cliché. I think it was the same reason Wolverine
became the most popular character in Marvel comics. Gruff
, antisocial loners
, and defy the authorities
… It’s the definition of badass. As for that overwhelming demand, Kojima
was kind enough to give people what they wanted. Here you can see one of the bonus features, where players get to control Cyborg Ninja, giving the fanboys a raging Solid Snake in their pants.
walks through the smoke on the Bridge of the Excelsior
like a dog sniffing out a sausage!
People started calling Fred Williamson 'The Hammer' during his professional football career, and when you think about how many gigantic men were trying to get that same nickname to stick, you'll realize that this achievement is the closest thing a person can get to a Nobel Prize in Badassery. This is a man who has crippled dozens of offensive linemen and starred in three movies that have the N-word right in their titles
... There are several reasons for these bad action sequences. First of all, he had to hold back so much to not kill his co-stars.
If he wanted, Fred Williamson could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot.
Full-powered Fred Williamson attacks are the second ingredient in Taco Bell ground beef
... If Fred Williamson made John Carter
, it would have been called Spaceman Brown: Chocolate Motherfucker
, and it would have turned a $250 million profit.
The next bit, though, is completely original to the show...this dude hangs up the phone, opens up the dumbwaiter, and GETS HIS STERNUM BUSTED TO HELL
by Wolverine coming out holding a bottle by the neck. Wolverine then walks over to the dude, looks at the bottle, says 'Lousy year
' and then drops it right on his junk
. Then he casually grabs a turkey leg on his way up to go murder people. It is… the best thing.
—Comics Alliance on X-Men
, "The Inner Circle"
Some rooms have hidden exits that'll lead you to secret rooms full of goodies. You'll need to discover all of these, as well as pick up the keys that spawn in the game every so often, to earn access to the Pleasure Dome
. And what is the Pleasure Dome, you may ask? Well, it's a secret room where the floor cycles through a bunch of retina-burning colors
, while bikini-clad women can be collected
like the cash and gold bars you've been picking up throughout the game. Totally worth it.
I'd swoop down from on high, machine gunning racists, then jump off and kick the last survivor off the ledge and feel like Errol fucking Flynn. I was almost afraid of landing, in case I got bounced away on balls like a couple of hairy space hoppers.
And on the day Masaaki Endoh
was born, the heavens rained holy fire of manliness and guitars. Jesus himself down and proclaimed that he was the Christ of Manliness, here to bring the coming age of Manly to the world as the second son of our lord, as the human son of God himself, no middleman. Here he is, teaching us the ways of the Book of Man, which he wrote himself in the year 2012 as he kicked away the meteorite that was goin to kill us all. WE MUST LEARN FROM HIM! MASAAKI MOTHER FUCKING ENDOH!!!
"It is said that there are two things ubiquitous in the Imperial Guard: the standard pattern lasgun, and a pair of steel balls."
— Anonymous poster on 4Chan's Traditional Games board
is the epitome of what all men strive to be. He's handsome, he's intelligent, he's single, sleeps around, he's got cash, he punches people, he travels the world, he can sleep with any of his students, he uses a whip, he punches people, he bangs his students in the locker room, women love him, he goes on adventures, he punches people, he can shoot people and get away with it
, and so on!
I can't even really say this is so bad, it's good
; it's actually just—just kinda great.
Blade is singing karaoke. They get him up there to sing karaoke while his blind friend plays the keyboard (of course
). And during this karaoke song, the girlfriend is kidnapped by Machete's goons.
So Blade goes to fight them and retrieves his friend... while still singing the karaoke song.
Sir Ron, what brand of chainsaw do you use to brush your teeth?
How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator
! You look at the cover and think, 'Yeeeah. This game's gonna be awesome. This is a real man's
game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur' — like me