Quotes: Pretty Fly for a White Guy

    open/close all folders 

    fiction 
A foolish young man
From a middle class fam'ly
Started singin' the blues
'Cause he thought it was manly
Now he talks like the Kingfish
From
Amos N Andy
Frank Zappa, "You Are What You Is" - You Are What You Is

He needs some cool tunes
Not just any will suffice
But they didn't have Ice Cube
So he bought Vanilla Ice

Now cruising in his Pinto
He sees homies as he pass
But if he looks twice
They're gonna kick his lily ass!''

... Is it because I is black?
Ali G. (Who isn't.)

Orlando Bloom took a swing at you, you have a perfume called Girlfriend, you threw eggs at a house… not gangsta.

Maestro, if you please. 'Rumpshaker', or some reasonable facsimile.
Bill, NewsRadio ("Halloween")

    real life 
President Clinton was often known as the first black president. I wouldn't be upset if I could earn the right to be the second.
John F. Kerry (he didn't)

Those are some nappy-headed hos, there!
Don Imus on the WNBA

'Live good playa'; It's the 21st century. Thug life.

You could prolapse into a bucket of bleach and not be such a painfully white asshole.
Cracked, in response to the above quote

It’s clear from these movies that white people act ridiculous. Strangely enough, this film shows that white people even act ridiculous when they’re not acting like white people.
Seanbaby, reviewing Malibu's Most Wanted for The Wave Magazine article "Raceploitation."

Spoony: Big bad mean Watcher looks ready to snipe Duncan from an office building, but our favorite gimp Joe Dawson comes to save the day!
Pat: Joe's going gangsta on him! Pop a gat!

David: There’s a horny couple in a car — a female vampire played by Traci Lords and Lem from The Shield.
Chris: I’ve never seen The Shield, so I don’t know if it’s just this dude or not, but he does an amazing job as the clueless douchebag. I mean, he’s already at an advantage by being a skinny white dude trying to dress like Samuel L. Jackson, but that horrible laugh he has and the fact that he’s referring to his ding-dang as “my heatseeker”… it’s a perfect storm of wanting to punch this guy in the face.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Blade

Miz had a well made video package featuring the Nas song "Hate Me Now" which told the story of his wrestling career. Cena then had a black choir sing part of his entrance song.. because he's black? Nobody knew for sure, but they were booed by the Georgia Dome regardless.
Taimapedia on Wrestlemania XXVII

Chavs are completely Amoral, having never been subjected to right and wrong by their inattentive, uncaring and often absent parents.

Chavs are part Magpie, evidentially supported by their love of all things shiny, or as vaccuous, illiterate street-slang would say 'Bling'. They can be seen twokking from the Jewelry counter in Argos/Index.

Whatever their ethnic background, Chavs have a built-in affinity to hip-hop/R&B, even if they are inherently racist.

Chavs are for the most part, extremely stupid. However, some of them render a form of low cunning, which can be misinterpreted as intelligence. However this is false. A Chav has no desire to better themself through honest means nor learn anything outside of car modification.

All chavs think that they are nails. Again, this is false. Sitting in a beaten up nova smoking lamberts does not precipitate a healthy body. The irony being that a Chav owns mainly sportswear, yet will only break a sweat if running from the police.

Chavs are incredibly fertile beasts, and are highly successful breeders. Where they come unstuck is having to look after the offspring which their 13 yr old drunken fumble produces. More often that not the child will grow to be a Chav, having received no more guidance on life than the parent.

Chavs have a fond love for cars, as well as a Vin Diesel fixation. Rather than buy a nice car to start with, a chav will spend all their dole and tax-free labouring cash on upgrading a 10 year old car with 200,000 miles on the clock. The end product will invariably be a luminous monstrosity with at least one serious collision to it's name.

Because Billy Ray Cyrus got sick of Miley Cyrus getting all the attention by terrorizing the retinas of the masses, he shot a shit puddle of a video for the sequel to Achy Breaky Heart with help from Dionne Warwick’s rapping son Buck 22... Who, besides Billy Ray and his accountant, asked for a sequel to Achy Breaky Heart?

Why did Dionne Warwick let this happen?

How am I still typing even though all of my bodily functions have pretty much shut down and turned on me for watching all 3:33 minutes of this musical torture device?

The comparison between Snow and Vanilla Ice is pretty unavoidable. They were both white boys making black music, they had stage names that emphasized their whiteness... The sad thing is, I wouldn't call the comparison very fair. Unlike Vanilla Ice, Snow actually did come from the projects; he did have that rough gangsta background; he did a couple stints in jail. And it didn't give him a shred of street cred, because Vanilla Ice claimed to have all those things, and he was a complete liar, so everyone assumed Snow was lying, too. It's really amazing just how much Vanilla Ice ruined being white. God, he sucks. Just...the worst man in history.
Todd in the Shadows on Snow's "Informer", One Hit Wonderland

Last night, in the big finish of a performance at the annual Straight White People Give Each Other Awards for Doing Black Music About Gay Rights Better Than You Convention, Madonna shuffled weirdly out on stage with a bejeweled cane like a Country Western Barbie Yaga...It meant fucking nothing. If anything, it moved in reverse. It was the dinner-table obtuseness of your worst uncle. It shit on intellectual curiosity. It stank of not getting it.

It made you realize: Oh. Madonna is finite.

Either Seagal is the biggest fraud on the planet or he genuinely happens to transcend race and transforms into new ethnicities over time, kind of like a fucked up Dr Who. Shockingly, it’s actually not the latter. In the past Seagal has enjoyed pretending to be Italian and Japanese respectively, but his current adopted cultural persona is that of the black man... In the majority of Seagal’s direct to DVD era filmography, Seagal has portrayed this insane ‘black man’ version of himself, most hilariously of all in the abominable Today You Die, an unintentional comedy classic where Seagal mumbles out ‘thug talk’ with all the street credibility of Bill O'Reilly . Seagal even ensured that one of the black characters remarked that he 'walks like a black man and breathes like a killer.' Absolute madness.