Quotes / Porting Disaster

"If The False Prophet was pushing the capabilities of the Super Nintendo's antiquated processor and 128kb of memory, The Black Gate shoved them off a cliff...Various words including most notably the word "kill" are gone from the dialogue, as well as nearly everything that could be construed as an adult situation, resulting in a horribly bowdlerized game which demands no thought or moral choice and becomes just another consequence-free, mindless hack-and-slasher of the sort that Richard Garriott has been specifically trying to move away from since Quest of the Avatar. There's really no reason to play this game at all. Please don't. It doesn't even have SNES mouse support."
Robert Kosarko on Ultima VII

"I hear the Super Nintendo version didn't have a countdown timer, and actually explained the plot a bit better, but like I said, I played the Genesis version as a kid, so here I am!"
Linkara, "Wolverine: Adamantium Rage"

"And now for the Amstrad version. What can I say? Words such as travesty leap to mind. Surely there's some mistake. This isn't the OutRun we know and love. This is something else, something indefinable, something which wants to make you scream and bang your head against the nearest solid object, something you will regret spending your money on."
Computer + Video Games magazine

"...it was the HD Collection that truly cemented my belief that Konami was completely and utterly beyond human reason. I mean, it had one job: Re-release Silent Hill 2—one of the greatest games ever made—in HD, along with the almost-as-brilliant Silent Hill 3. That's it.

One. Fuckin'. Job.

But if any company can screw up the easiest job in the world spectacularly, it's Ko-fuckin'-nami. The
HD Collection was a total disaster. Audio bugs littered the experience. Fog effects were removed to expose unfinished environments. And they were working off unfinished code. Because Konami had fucking lost most of the original! They had to issue a Day 1 patch for a game that was a fuckin' decade old! A patch that barely fixed the thing. And it still only patched on ONE console. Silent Hill's art director Masahiro Ito embarrassingly expressed his shock that Konami released the fucking thing. Bloody shameful. (If Konami understood shame.)"

"Do I need to explain why the game sucked? It's called Santa Claus Saves the Earth, and it looked like that, for fuck sake! So do you know what is even better than that? Oh, I dunno, compressing it, zooming it in, making the controls stiffer, the visuals shittier, the music even more unbearable, the performance worse, and making it portable! Yay."
Caddicarus, on the GBA port of Santa Claus Saves the Earth.

Batman: Arkham Knight deserves a place on this list for the sheer bloody horror show that was the PC version of the game. While running OK on consoles, Arkham Knight's simultaneous PC launch was a disaster. The game ran like shit on an unforgivable number of systems, with skipping and framerate dips that ranged from playable for some to downright unbearable for others. I had one of the better experiences, and it was still fucking atrocious. Absolutely unacceptable from a big-name publisher.

2) Thou shalt make sure your game actually works.

We're ashamed to even have to include this. This is like having to ask McDonald's to cook the burger before they serve it to you, or having to remind your dentist not to videotape himself slapping you in the face with his penis while you're under. It's the sort of thing you'd feel ridiculous saying.

Yet, here we are, telling the game industry to please only sell us games
that function.

Tiertex were infamous for releasing very bad ports of arcade games, and you'll never guess what - Street Fighter was no exception. This is the Atari ST version of Street Fighter. Notice that the graphics have been redrawn and now look crap. Notice that it now jerks horribly. Notice that when Ryu does a flying kick, he hovers in the air for a fraction of a second for no discernible reason. Notice the horrible splodges that appear when a character is hit. Notice that I've deliberately left the sound off because there are no sound effects, just a really annoying tune playing the whole time. What you can't notice is that all the special moves have been left out; you'll just have to take my word for that.