Quotes / Political Correctness Gone Mad

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Buffy: We don't use the word "Indian".
Giles: Right, right. Always behind on the terms. Still trying my damndest not to refer to you lot as "bloody colonials".

"What is PC but a verbal form of gentrification? Spruce everything up, get rid of all the ugliness and create a false sense of paradise."
Nathan, South Park

Calvin: I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem.
Hobbes: It is?
Calvin: Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am.
Hobbes: Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus?
Calvin: Please! Let's call it "informationally impaired."

Grover: Frazzle? But you are not fuzzy and blue. You are fuzzy and orange!
Frazzle: Mrawrarfraramra!
Grover: All right, all right! Just thought I'd mention it.
Sesame Street, "Fuzzy and Blue (and Orange)"

PFY: No, I think you mean Affirmative Action. Equal Opportunities means that they'd both be considered regardless of who they were. Affirmative Action is intended to address a perceived lack of some group in a company for PR purposes.
BOFH: Well, this flies in the face of my Unequal Opportunities Policy!
Boss: Your what?!?
BOFH: Unequal Opportunities Policy. Which is basically "if you can do the job, you're in!" Couldn't give a crap about age, sex, race, etc. It's a simple policy, but it seems to work. Unless...
Boss: Unless what!?
BOFH: Unless you're a thicko. I can't stand thickos. No offense.
Boss: What do you mean?!
BOFH: Thickos, you know, people who can't... well... tie their shoelaces without assistance. No offense.
Boss: What do you mean, "no offense"!?
BOFH: Well, you know, some people get upset when you say something like that — especially if they're a complete 'tard. No offense.
The Bastard Operator from Hell guide to equal opportunities, "Episode 5: Affirmative action"

Civilian displacement. We used to just call it "kidnapping" and "forcing people into slavery", but that just didn't test well in today's ever-toughening market.
Mickey the Spider, Fable II

Guy 1: ...I totally feel like-
Guy 2: Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh!? "FEEL?" You know that I was bullied in middle school, so sometimes to skip class I would tell my mother that I wasn't feeling well. Yeah, thanks for bringing that back up.
Guy 3: Goh! BACK UP? Like the back up that my police officer uncle was calling for and didn't receive when a bullet grazed his pinky in the line of-
Guy 1: Wha? LINE? You know I waited in line at Disneyland for two hours last week for the new Cars ride. I was so bored!

Constable Habib is a woman of the opposite sex!
Chief Inspector Fouler, The Thin Blue Line

Porky: First they tell me to lose the stutter, now they tell me I'm not funny. It's a pain in the butt being p-p-politically correct.
Speedy: You're telling me.

Bleat, bleat, creature of non-specific colour and species, have you any home-spun fabric? Yes sir or madam, yes sir or madam, enough to share, but not in a communist way. One is for the titled person of non-specific gender, one is for the other titled person of non-specific gender, and one is for the child of non-specific age, height, and gender, who co-exists in harmony with the lane, but not in a gay way.
Wil Anderson, The Glass House (on a reworded "Baa Baa Black Sheep")

Coming this summer, it's the motion picture that changed America. Saving Private Ryan, the re-re-release, where the word "nazi" has been changed to "persons with political differences," and all their guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies. And now, for your feature presentation: the classic re-re-re-release of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. In this version, the word "Wookie" has been changed to "hair-challenged animal" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
South Park, "Free Hat"

Social Justice one-two-three (Whoo whoo)!
I wanna be PC (Whoo whoo)!
It's just the way to be for me! And you! (Whoo whoo)!
Your hateful slurs are through (Whoo whoo)!
I call whoo whoo on you (Whoo whoo)!
We'll fight until you're PC black and blue (Whoo whoo)!
We are language police, fighting bigotry.
Hurtful words can suck our turds cause it's PC for me!"

Democracy is good for something, I'm sure. But not dinners. After cross-referencing all the religious beliefs, dietary preferences, allergies, and intolerances...do you know what last year's Employee Dinner was? A salted cracker. That's what democracy tastes like. Do you know what we're having this year? Honey-glazed slow-cooked ribs served with pear and walnut salad. Voll's Dictatorship Dinner. Oppressive, but delicious.
Mr. Voll, Greasy Space Monkeys

Oh, let me tell you it's
getting to the point where a famous person can't
even get a DUI or go on a racist rant!

Stop it! Stop right this instant! What do you think you're doing!? You can't say everyone's got a water buffalo when everyone does not have a water buffalo! We're going to get nasty letters saying "Where's my water buffalo? Why don't I have a water buffalo?" And are you prepared to deal with that? I don't think so. Just stop. Being. So. SILLY!
Archibald, VeggieTales

    real life 

Now this political correctness it must come to an end,
'Cause we're in the business of killing, who gives a fuck if we offend?
I can mow 'em down by the thousands but I can't say a dirty word,
Now that's the dumbest fucking thing that I have ever heard!

The latest managerial wit has been to encourage something called 'political correctness,' this generation's Silly Putty or Hula Hoop.

I'm telling ya, some of this [euphemistic] language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit... makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill!

I have taken another look at my notes, and must correct myself. There is one laugh in the movie. It comes after the action is over, in the form of a foolish, politically correct disclaimer stating that the film "is not intended as an accurate portrayal of blindness or poor eyesight".
Roger Ebert reviews Mr. Magoo (1997)

The movie feels dry and stuffy as if the dialog is out of a textbook and acted by re-enactors. Yeah, I said re-enactors and not recreationists or whatever the hell you call yourselves nowadays. I got sent a few emails correcting me like I used some un-PC term. A person who colors in a drawing without doing any original work is a tracer, and someone who dresses up in period clothes and wastes a weekend playing soldier is a re-enactor. Where was I going with this?
Miles Antwiler on Gods and Generals

Last month, the gay-rights group, GLAAD, saw Kevin Smith's latest movie, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. They were outraged by the number of gay jokes, and were positive that they would inspire a dark and evil future where people outside of movies might make gay jokes. And when that happens, how will they be able to keep their quiet dignity while parading down the streets in panties and vests on giant penis-shaped floats?

Shocking, I know: an insufferable snob like Gwyneth Paltrow is an insufferable snob in all aspects of her life, including her own mother. 'Ew, we don’t like to use the word mother – it’s just so pedestrian. She’s my biological birth being. Correct yourself, you uncultured skank.'

"Black Ops 3 is yet another string of barely connected shootouts in various global locations, but it can't even summon the effort to be particularly racist! ...Half the time you're fighting killer robots. That's not racist at all! Well, give it about thirty years, maybe it will be seen as insensitive towards AI-Americans who don't have the privilege of having been born rather than procedurally generated."

Yahtzee: (dies) Oh, you turn into an Egyptian mummy, how racist. Your glasses fly off when you're hurt! That's ableist! Are you making fun of the fact that he has to wear glasses? That he has a vision defect, game? Check your privilege, Genesis!
Gabriel: You can't call it a defect. That implies superiority on the part of the functionally-sighted.
Yahtzee: Alternative bodily layout!
Gabriel: Ocularally unique!
Yahtzee: Genetically alternative! That's the new term for Down's Syndrome.

Never let it be said that we don't pick on liberals here. Maher may have said some clever things in his life, even as a political commentator (he runs the HBO show Politically Incorrect), and he has gained notoriety as a critic of religion. Then again, David Berlinski wrote an excellent introduction to calculus. Being smart, and being right on certain topics, doesn’t guarantee that you are not a loon... For one, he is associated with PETA, which is at least borderline. After all, PETA has decided that fish should now be known as "sea kittens" (to stop global overfishing) and they have sent demands and cash offers to towns requesting that they change their names, including Hamburg, Fishkill, and Rodeo. Their alternative for Hamburg was Veggieburg. The suggestion was serious. They also had a campaign against eating meat called “The Holocaust on your Plate".

I have to think that Slate is angry they didn't get to this take first, because it's important that we take every single last disposable piece of pop culture and fucking break down the 58 layers of subtext behind it to show why America ought to have a problem with Smarf.

Now, 90 percent of all internet thinkpieces are dedicated to explaining why you should have a problem with something you originally had no problem with. OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE. Don't you see that keyboard cat is a way of enforcing traditional heteronormative privilege in America today? The cat is wearing a house robe, which means that it he/she is clearly being forced into a domesticated, subservient role against his/her free will. NOT FUNNY. NOT ON MY WATCH.
Drew Magary, "The Internet Has A 'Problem' Problem"

It is a dark, dark day in the United Kingdom. Tom Hiddleston's sexy Jaguar ad which featured a spine-tingling Shakespeare recital was forever banished from the their airwaves. Why is love dead, you ask? Because the commercial allegedly encouraged "irresponsible driving" which is obviously as stupid as it sounds... WHO IS THIS ASSHOLE? WHO COMPLAINED? Who would watch this ad and try to find a reason to want it off the air? Here are the people who I think ratted the ad out:''
- Benedict Cumberbatch (jealous because his Jaguar ads are nowhere near as good).
- A drunk Prince Harry.
- James Bond super villain Goldfinger, as part of a dastardly criminal plot to deprive the world of sexiness and hold it hostage for a billion dollars.
- The ghost of Oliver Cromwell.
- The organizers of Dashcon as punishment for making fun of them.

"The word 'old' has a connotation that some of the more elderly people find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution, please."
Mr. Tweedly, The Stan Freberg Show

"Y'know, when Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, and Larry the Cable Guy say you have a stick up your ass... you don't have to wait for the x-rays to come back. That's right: a black, a Jew, and a redneck walk onto a college campus, and they all can't wait to leave!"
Real Time with Bill Maher, about how the above three comedians refuse to play colleges because of students being too PC to take a joke. note 

"If you do the routines I used to do, you genuinely get members of the Christian right coming up to you after gigs and online and going "Oh, yeah" — they love saying this, by the way — "Oh yeah, you'll make jokes about the Catholics. You'll make jokes about the Protestants. But you won't make jokes about the Muslims, will ya?! No, you're not that brave to make jokes about the Muslims!" [...] To which I always say: there are two main reasons I don't make jokes about Muslims. A: I don't know a single fuckin' thing about Muslims. And B: Neither do you."

"Returning to the question, as to whether it is ‘permissible’ for people of one kind to depict people or another ... I submit that if this restriction were universally adopted, we would have had no authors from middle-class backgrounds who were able to write about the situation of the lower classes, which would have effectively ruled out almost all authors since William Shakespeare (whose rarity as an example of a writer from an apparently working class background is attested by the number of theoreticians from more elevated social groups who would have it that his work could only possibly have been composed by a member of the aristocracy). While I might have winced on many occasions as a middle-class author such as Martin Amis presents his (at least to my mind) lazy and offensive studies of a vulnerable underclass, I would certainly hesitate before proposing any imposition of an ideology that would also exclude the works of Charles Dickens, Gerald Kersh or any of several hundred other fine writers. I understand that it may not be considered good form to suggest that class issues are as important as issues of race, gender or sexuality, despite the fact that from my own perspective they seem perhaps even more fundamental and crucially relevant. After all, while in the West after many years of arduous struggle we are now allowed to elect women, non-white people, and even, surely at least in theory, people of openly alternative sexualities, I am relatively certain that we will never be allowed to elect a man or woman of any race or persuasion who is poor."

"If you have always believed that everyone should play by the same rules and be judged by the same standards, that would have gotten you labelled a radical 50 years ago, a liberal 25 years ago, and a racist today."

"The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent, and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies."

"...And then we have Political Correctness, which is the 'joy' that is the other side of Health & Safety. Health & Safety, which is the small oppression of our physical movement so that we can't do anything without permission from the state; and Political Correctness is the oppression of our intellectual movement so that no one says anything anymore in case somebody else gets offended. 'What happens if you say that and someone gets offended?' Well, they can be offended, can't they? What's wrong with being offended? When did 'sticks and stones may break my bones' stop being relevant? Isn't that what you teach children for God's sakes? That's what you teach toddlers. 'He called me an idiot!' 'Don't worry about it, he's a dick!' Now you have adults going 'I was offended! I was offended and I have rights!' Well, so what?! Be offended! Nothing happens! You're an adult! Grow up! Deal with it! 'I was offended!' I don't CARE! Nothing happens to you when you're offended! There's nothing — 'I — I went to the comedy show, a-and the comedian said something about the Lord, and I was offended, and when I woke up in the morning... I had leprosy!' Nothing happens. 'I want to live in a democracy, but I never want to be offended again!' ...Well, you're an idiot!"

"At the Golden Globes this month, Michael Keaton mixed up the titles of two movies that had black casts, Hidden Figures and Fences, and said 'Hidden Fences'. Because he's a Klansman. Cue the outrage, cue the retraction, 'I screwed up...It makes me feel so badly that people feel badly. If somebody feels badly, that's all that matters.' No, that's not all that matters. In fact, things like this don't even matter at all. What matters is that while you self-involved fools were policing the language at the Kids' Choice Awards, a madman talked his way into the White House. What matters is that while liberals were in a contest to see who could be the first to call out fat-shaming, the Tea Party has been busy taking over school boards. Stop protecting your virgin ears and start noticing you're getting fucked in the ass.