Quotes / Overly Pre-Prepared Gag

hereafter referred to as "Dumb"
hereafter referred to as "Ass"
Ass gives Dumb an enjoyable moment via CD-DA format which includes Ass's Voices and Dumb finds listening to Ass's music is really fun and feels happy.
For The Dumb,
(blank line)
For the Ass,
(Dokaka's signature)
Now, we are "The Dumbass Brothers"!!
—liner notes from The Dokaka Discography

I gambled my last dollar, was thrown out in the street,
Took off my Eaton collar, There was nothing left to eat.
I broke out of the poor house, and through the woods I went,
The bloodhounds never found me, for I did not have a cent!
—Al Duvall, "Dark Inside"

Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Rimmer: Really?
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was all right and all that, when shoes are happy that they'd get into heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have soles.
Rimmer: Ah, what a sad story. Wait a minute...How did they open the car door?

Carla: Turk made me watch Anaconda with him.
Elliot: Oh, is that the one with the giant snake?
Todd: (stands up from behind the counter) No, this is the one with the giant snake! (they stare at him) I was back here for forty-five minutes waiting for a setup. My back is killing me - but I nailed it. It's about commitment.

Shirley: We're gonna kick Das butt.
Jeff: Nice.
German Student: Enough teutonic punnery! Monday morning, you're going to get this:
[Leaps up between the shoulders of his two colleagues and kicks a soccer ball at Jeff as if he was a foosball player]
Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that?! [The Germans strut out; to Shirley] They left the ball and everything! I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. It's like a twenty-five dollar bit, it's not even that good!

Pearl: "All we had to do was call fifty-three costume shops to find one that had three penguin costumes, reserve them eight months in advance with a huge cash deposit, then pay a balance of eight hundred and ninety-nine dollars per costume to rent them for an hour, then put them on, then wait until you guys woke up and finished breakfast, then call you and make believe that we had set up an appointment for you all to wear penguin costumes, and then... you fell for it! It was so simple!"
Observer: "...Actually, it was a touch pathetic of us."