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Columbo: [pointing to something in the coroner's report] Does that mean what I think it means?
Coroner: Hey, can you think of a better way to go?

"Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this, but I always really hoped."
Phillip J. Fry, Futurama, about to experience "snu-snu" with an Amazonian Beauty, "Amazon Women in the Mood"

Zoidberg: Once my species passes on its genes, it dies.
Fry: You mean you have to choose between a life without sex and a gruesome death?
Zoidberg: Yes.
Fry: Tough call.

"My mother, for example, told the German officer not to kill her. She'd make it worth his while. And then, when they were doing it, she pulled a knife out of her belt and sliced open his chest, just like she used to open chicken breasts to stuff with rice for the Sabbath meal."
Etgar Keret, A Foreign Language

"Megan Marshack, Megan Marshack!
911! 911!
Rockefeller's dying! Rockefeller's dying!
Call someone! Call someone!"
— Sung to the tune of "Frère Jacques"

"You know how I wanna die? Very old in my bed being fingered to death by someone I love."

Shagga: How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?
Tyrion: In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl's lips around my cock.

"He died during a threesome! [laughs] I would love to see his funeral. 'He died doing what he loved... and her friend.' What a weird way to die! 'I'm coming!' 'I'm going.'" [mimes death]
Russel Howard, Russell Howard's Good News

"The last stand of Thierry Nguyen, Demon Whoremonger of Rangoon and pleasurer of over seven thousand women. And six hundred thirty two men. And eighty five zoological specimens, and twenty-some things we're not sure about. Died laughing on this spot of explosive scrotal failure while simultaneously making love to eighteen porn starlets, all of whom later committed suicide in grief."
Spider Jerusalem, Transmetropolitan

'"Have you heard of the Kunoichi?"
I said I hadn't.
"It's the deadly sisterhood of the Ninja, originally Japanese. Like the geishas, they were trained in singing and entertaining so they could get access into the household of an enemy warlord, and just when he'd gotten her nice and cosy in his arms he'd end up with an icepick through the ear into the brain — one of their favourite tricks, in my language the ssu chieh wen — the kiss of death."
Quiller's Run

"Lord Gargalen once told me he hoped to die with a sword in his hand, to which I replied that I would sooner go with a breast in mine."
The Red Viper, A Song of Ice and Fire

Myranda: He died on top of me. In me, if truth be told. You do know what goes on in a marriage bed, I hope?
Sansa: That must have been dreadful, my lady. Him dying. There, I mean, whilst... whilst he was...
Myranda: Fucking me? It was disconcerting, certainly. Not to mention discourteous.

"All loves have to die
Of that there's no help
My favourite way to end them
Is the orb weaver spider's whose pedipalp
Enters the female pedendum

And dies on the spot
His corpse is still stuck
Left for his rivals to curse at
He would rather die than not get to fuck
Personally I reckon it's worth it."
TISM, "Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me"

Il voulait être César, il ne fut que Pompée ("He wished to become Caesar, but he ended up Pompey/getting blown")
Georges Clemenceau, on the subject of French President Félix Faure (who famously died while allegedly getting a blowjob from his mistress).

"When we reach the crescendo, you will die... of pleasure! Your end will be swift but sweet. Very sweet!"
Durand-Durand, trying to kill Barbarella with his orgasm machine

When he finished, she was already breathing more shallowly, and some of the flesh had receded from her face. Her fingers were like talons gripping the sheets, and her back arched with pain. She couldn't speak.
There was some blood now. That was good. It was red, but soon it would turn to black.
Buddy sat back on the sheets and lit himself a cigarette.

Dan Fielding: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I throw my life away for sex. But, you know, I thought I'd at least get to die having it!
Roz Russell: Don't look at me, or you'll die trying to have it.
Night Court, "Crossroads"

Destiny: (exasperated) Now, look, Vince. I just want you to kill my elderly 'usband! Now, if that is too much to ask...
Vince: As a matter of fact; it is! I'm doing a sponsored non-violence month in aid of cystic fibrosis. So if you want to kill your husband, why not just (bleep) him to death? I mean, that's how we said goodbye to my old dad.

It is a universal truth, known to the humblest protozoa: Sex is death. The two are ever intertwined...
Technis, Swamp Thing

Wuher: [about Trevagg] Didn't anybody tell him?
Balu: Tell him what?
Wuher: About H'nemthe. The girl he was with, the H'nemthe female.
Balu: Nightlily?
Wuher: Was that her name? It figures. The m'iyoom — the nightlily — is a carnivorous flower that feeds on small rodents and insects that try to drink its nectar. After mating, H'nemthe females gut the males with those tongues of theirs—they're as sharp as sword blades, and a lot stronger than they look. Some kind of biological reaction to there being twenty H'nemthe males for every female. The males seem to think it's worth it, to achieve the act of love. I saw them together in the cantina, but I didn't think Trevagg was crazy enough to try to bed the girl.

"Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination."
Yuppie Wife, Idiocracy

"Well, I've winded a few in my time, I've never actually killed one."

Doctor: Ah yes, Mrs. Briggs... I saw you last week - yes - you told me your husband hadn't been - uh - very active.
Mrs. Briggs: That's right - and you gave me them tablets.
Doctor: To put in his cocoa at night.
Mrs. Briggs: Right. Well he was away until yesterday so I put the whole lot in last night.
Doctor: My God! What happened? How did he do?
Mrs. Briggs: Very well, thank you. Seven times last night - three times this morning - just before he died...

"Come on Crichton, we're gonna die. I just wanna die do something fun. Something I like. Something that makes me feel...good. Your plan didn't work. This is mine."
Chiana, Farscape, "Unrealized Reality"


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