"My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe... when he desires them."
—Ron Swanson, Parks An D Recreation
"Yes, General, I am masturbating into the American Flag. It relaxes me. Do you have a problem with that? Would you rather that I used you?"
— President Callahan, Transmetropolitan
"You can twist my words, but I can twist that knee until it pops!"
— President Ackerman, Red Alert: 3
"Of course the first four years are easy. You don't do anything except try to get re-elected... The next four years you wonder why the hell you wanted to be re-elected. And after that you go into the insurance business and you're all set."
— President Wintergreen, Of Thee I Sing
Cat: I thought you guys said Kennedy was a great Prez!
Kryten: He was.
Rimmer: He was also an inveterate womanizer. His affairs were legendary. They only came out after his death.
Kryten: Every man has his weak spot, his Achilles' Heel.
Rimmer: Kennedy's was just... higher up.
— Red Dwarf, "Tikka to Ride"
Winifred: (snatches a TV and smashes it) FUCK YOU!
Conrad: Leave it alone! What did television ever do to you?
Winifred: It destroyed the electoral process!
"You can lie, you can cheat, you can start a war, you can bankrupt the country, but you can't fuck the interns. They get you for that."
— Stephen Meyers, The Ides Of March
"I'm one of those generic presidents TV shows use to avoid becoming dated."
— The President, Earthworm Jim
George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. George W. Bush couldn't tell the difference.
— Common political joke from 2003 onwards.
"“Say as little as possible, hope some of the undecideds like your teeth better than the other guy’s—that’s usually the way this business works.”
—Matt Taibbi', Griftopia
Presidential elections are a bit like the Grammy Awards, where an industry of real interest to very few people honors itself fulsomely on prime-time television.
"When you get to Senator, it begins to become pretty symbolic, anyway. At the level of President, half the time I don't even bother—I think those are usually very subtle judgements. I mean, it's a difficult judgement to try to figure out whether Nixon or Humphrey is going to end the Vietnam War sooner; I actually didn't vote on that one, because I figured Nixon probably would. I did vote against Reagan, because I thought the guys around Reagan were extremely dangerous—Reagan himself was irrelevant, but the people in his administration were real killers and torturers, and they were just making people suffer too much, so I thought that might make a different But these are usually not very easy judgements to make, in my opinion."
—Noam Chomsky, Understanding Power
"Do you think I should be the 'ecology president' or the 'education president'?"