Quotes / Oscar Bait

Film — Live-action

Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man. Look retarded, act retarded. Not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump? Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.
Kirk Lazarus, Tropic Thunder

White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy), Bowfinger

Hey, new idea! How 'bout we change the title from The Seven Psychopaths to The Seven Lesbians Who Are All Disabled And Have Overcome All Their Spazzy Shit And Are Really Nice to Everybody And Two of Them Are Black? How 'bout that?
Billy, Seven Psychopaths

Live-action TV

I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar... That's why I'm doing it. Schindler's bloody List. The Pianist. Oscars coming out of their arse.

I'd like to thank the person who cast me as a blind, autistic, Parkinson's disease-ridden mute, for making this award almost inevitable.

Mental Illness. It's the thing actors pretend to have in order to win Oscars.

Web Animation

I feel kinda sorry for Mad Max. It's such good video game adaptation material. Christ knows why it's been fucking around with movies around for so long. Movies are all like, "Ooh, look! A little film about S&M perverts driving around a desert and blowing each other up. Well, the Academy need look no further for the best dramatic screenplay candidafnahahahahah!"

Web Original

Itís no secret that Leonardo DiCaprio worked harder for his Oscar nomination this year than—Iím not sure what, actually. Nothing works harder than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to get an Oscar. Leo worked his yacht-lounging ass off during the making of The Revenant. Leo damn near froze to death. Leo ate raw bison livers. Leo had to rassle a bear. I havenít seen The Revenant, but Iím sure Leo busts out some ugly cry face too. Leo was probably feeling pretty good about all the acting overtime he put in too. That is until Matt Damon swooped in and, like my over-it friend when I tried to milk a twisted ankle for three weeks, reminded him he needs to stop being so fucking dramatic...Well thatís easy for Matt to say Ė he already has an Oscar! He doesnít know what itís like to lay awake at night, tossing and turning on top of a pile of naked models, wonder what heís got to do to win one. ďDo I have to beat off a goddamn CGI bear while looking like something that was pulled out of a bus station toilet??? Cause Iíll do it!Ē
DListed, "Matt Damon To Leonardo DiCaprio: You Donít Have To Try So Hard To Make An Award-Winning Movie"

Those bitches at the Academy did not right the wrong they made in the 90s. Jennifer Aniston deserved all the nominations for Leprechaun and since the Academy really screwed up on that one, we all thought they would throw her a nomination this year, but they didnít... She didnít wear makeup! She wore fake scars! She did an ugly cry! She hustled like the rent was due last week! What more do those picky ass Oscar voters want?
Michael K., "None For You, Jennifer Aniston"

Anyway, after a career of playing crazy naked people, Julianne Moore is finally gonna win an Oscar thanks to this movie, which is about a woman who gets Alzheimer's and slowly spirals into decay OH JESUS CHRIST WHY WOULD ANYONE WATCH THAT WHERE'S MY DVD OF IRON MAN 2? It's an immutable law that you will win an Oscar so long as you portray an affliction that NO ONE wants to actually see portrayed on screen: dementia, butt cancer, Venezuelan Tree Disease, etc.
Drew Magary, "The Hater's Guide to the 2015 Oscars"

Web Video

It isn't so much a movie as it is an expertly filled-out 'How To Win An Oscar' Mad Libs sheet.

Follow along on the poetic unfolding of a life beautifully directed by Barry Jenkins as this young [checkmark], black [checkmark], gay [checkmark] man struggles to escape from poverty [checkmark] and drug addiction [checkmark] told across three decades [checkmark]. Based on a play [checkmark] based on the life story of its author [checkmark]. So yeah I'd say it's nominated for an Oscar. All of the Oscar Things.
Honest Trailers, "The Oscars (2017)" segment on Moonlight note