Quotes: Oscar Bait

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Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man. Look retarded, act retarded. Not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump? Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.
Kirk Lazarus, Tropic Thunder

White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
Kit Ramsey (Eddie Murphy), Bowfinger

I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar... That's why I'm doing it. Schindler's bloody List. The Pianist. Oscars coming out of their arse.

Hey, new idea! How 'bout we change the title from The Seven Psychopaths to The Seven Lesbians Who Are All Disabled And Have Overcome All Their Spazzy Shit And Are Really Nice to Everybody And Two of Them Are Black? How 'bout that?
Billy, Seven Psychopaths

Daniel Day-Lewis had to give the performance he gave in Lincoln to win ó Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook, in which she did what a professional actress [is supposed to be able to do... Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich.

I'd like to thank the person who cast me as a blind, autistic, Parkinson's disease-ridden mute, for making this award almost inevitable.

It isn't so much a movie as it is an expertly filled-out 'How To Win An Oscar' Mad Libs sheet.

Those bitches at the Academy did not right the wrong they made in the 90s. Jennifer Aniston deserved all the nominations for Leprechaun and since the Academy really screwed up on that one, we all thought they would throw her a nomination this year, but they didnít... She didnít wear makeup! She wore fake scars! She did an ugly cry! She hustled like the rent was due last week! What more do those picky ass Oscar voters want?
Michael K., "None For You, Jennifer Aniston"

Anyway, after a career of playing crazy naked people, Julianne Moore is finally gonna win an Oscar thanks to this movie, which is about a woman who gets Alzheimer's and slowly spirals into decay OH JESUS CHRIST WHY WOULD ANYONE WATCH THAT WHERE'S MY DVD OF IRONMAN 2? It's an immutable law that you will win an Oscar so long as you portray an affliction that NO ONE wants to actually see portrayed on screen: dementia, butt cancer, Venezuelan Tree Disease, etc.
Drew Magary, "The Hater's Guide to the 2015 Oscars"