Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man
. Look retarded, act retarded. Not
retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump
? Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.
White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave
, then I'll get the Oscar.
I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim.
Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar... That's why I'm doing it. Schindler's bloody List. The Pianist.
Oscars coming out of their arse.
Hey, new idea! How 'bout we change the title from The Seven Psychopaths
to The Seven Lesbians Who Are All Disabled And Have Overcome All Their Spazzy Shit And Are Really Nice to Everybody And Two of Them Are Black
? How 'bout that?
Daniel Day-Lewis had to give the performance he gave in Lincoln
to win ó Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook
, in which she did what a professional actress [is supposed to be able to do... Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote
while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich
I'd like to thank the person who cast me as a blind, autistic, Parkinson's disease-ridden mute, for making this award almost inevitable.
It isn't so much a movie as it is an expertly filled-out 'How To Win An Oscar' Mad Libs sheet.