Quotes / Old Shame


Pit: Hey man! Haven't seen you in a while. Now we just need to get Simon-
Mega Man: Ssh! Don't bring that up!
Pit: Bring up what-icus?
Mega Man: AARGH

Web Original

L. Ron was also the author of a notorious work of junk pseudoscience, All About Radiation. It was so bad that he left his name off the first edition and credited it to 'a nuclear physicist and a medical doctor'. L. Ron Hubbard is neither, of course.

Alan Ruck: (grits teeth) Two more years till Spin City, I can do this. This dipshit part will only be a blip on my resume.

Paul Cornell called this the worst book he has ever read; who am I to disagree with the author? I canít remember the last time I read such a load of old wank... Like squeezing lemon into an already painful wound, the cover is also appalling.

The Star Wars Holiday Special was broadcast on TV in 1978 as a fine-print stipulation to the fiddle contest that George Lucas lost to the devil. It was terrible in every possible direction. If Hitler forced aliens to put on a variety show at gunpoint, you'd feel more comfortable watching it. To this day, parts of George Lucas sizzle and fall off if you mention it near him. Famous little person Warwick Davis actually started as a section of George Lucas that screamed and detached itself when the special first aired.

Chris: The best thing I can say about this piece of crap was that it was so terrible that I didnít have the energy to turn the television off after it was over and ended up watching the first half hour of Supernatural, which was about the two main characters being shoved through a dimensional portal into a world where they were Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki on the set of an episode of Supernatural.
David: ThatÖ soundsÖ kind of awesome.
Chris: The thing is, though, thereís a part where the guy played by Padalecki is making fun of Jensen Ackles for being on Days of Our Lives, and I kept wanting him to rip into him for being on Smallville.
Smallvillains on Smallville ("Roulette")

You haven't seen Tom Hanks act until you've seen him bawl like a toddler in a phone booth in Mazes & Monsters. He sounds like a retarded person trying to ask for directions... "AUUUGH BWA HUH HUH HUH!!" Robbie whimpers over the phone, gushing snot into the receiver. Which for this particular New York phone is nothing new. It's seen worse bodily fluids.

"Calm down, Robbie!" Kate pleads. "Where are you?"


"New York? The fuck you doing there?"


Itís also during this scene that we get a title card announcing 'And Introducing Cameron Diaz.' I knew this was her big breakout role, but Iíd completely forgotten that it was actually her first movie. Well, except for a softcore bondage picture from 1992 that was later released as Sheís No Angel to capitalize on her role in Charlie's Angels, that is. Incidentally, that oneís not on Netflix.
Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on The Mask

And then thereís Paul McGann, about whomÖ Look, however good he may be on the audios, heís on autopilot here. Curiously, heís much livelier in the audition tapes included as a DVD extra, where heís delivering lines out of the (mercifully) abandoned Leekley version. This is almost understandable — for all the horrific flaws of the Leekley version, it at least offered McGann a story arc instead of leaving him an essentially reactive character... In any case, McGann has little to work with and seems at times to be rooting against the project just so he can move on to something that isnít misery-inducing. His reluctance, initially, to come back to do the Big Finish material is utterly understandable.

Shatner ends the documentary admitting heís great at denial. Well, yeah, otherwise this film would have given him cause to go back to El Capitan and throw himself off the top.
The Agony Booth on Star Trek V: The Final Frontier's director commentary

Unfortunately, there isn't much of a story behind why the world was never treated to Super Mario Bros. 2: The Sequel, other than the simple fact that the original film is so baneful, voodoo shamans wear it around their necks to intercept curses... Bob Hoskins hates it with every fiber of his being, John Leguizamo devoted an entire chapter of his autobiography to the movie's unbridled shititude, and Dennis Hopper literally called it a nightmare. Considering some of the peyote-laced night terrors that must've boiled behind that man's resting eyelids, this is arguably the strongest criticism that could possibly be leveled at a Mario Bros. movie.

Also, if you write a line in a serious dramatic moment in your videogame and it ends up being "tl;dr: eat shit, fagots," write something else. From the creator of the best game ever GameFAQs tournament 2015, everyone!

Web Video

Sometimes, you have to take a nasty shit before you take a better shit.

Joey: Hey Yugi, how come everything looks different in this episode?
Yugi: Actually Joey, this is a movie based on Yu-Gi-Oh! Season 0.
Joey: There was a Season 0? How come I never knew about it?
Yugi: It only aired in Japan because it was super violent and depressingly bad.

This special has never re-aired, and to this day, George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. So, just to recap, this is the guy who said this [Jar-Jar Binks] is OK, and this [Howard the Duck] is OK. Which means this is the project he was personally ashamed of.

Alamo Drafthouse Cinema rediscovered the film in 2009 and contacted [Y.K.] Kim to see if they could re-distribute it. The claims about this film's failures aren't exaggerated, because Kim seriously thought they were joking. And this guy is a motivation speaker who wrote the book Winning is a Choice. If that isn't a testament to how embarrassing this film was, I don't know what is.

The Xindi, by the way, is played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who—among many other roles— played The Comedian in Watchmen; and who last year, in an amusing Entertainment Weekly interview entitled, "Oh, That Role"? Well, this one was there not only as one he'd like to forget about, but that the experience of doing it was so terrible, he nearly quit acting because of it. Enterprise: Sapping both the audience and the performers of their will to live!

Western Animation

Sideshow Bob: Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television!?
Cellmate 1: Oh, look who's talking.
Cellmate 2: Yeah, Bob, you used to be on this show.
Sideshow Bob: Don't remind me! My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphilis and pinball combined!

Real Life

LESSON: Unless you donít improve, all of your early work should embarrass you.
Andrew Nicholls, Valuable Lessons

You birds have a hundred thousand bad drawings in you; start getting rid of them now.
Chuck Jones, quoting one of his art school instructors.

I know it's an artistic cliche, but every time I look at my past work, I want to projectile vomit.

If I could go back in time to change stuff? Oh yeah, there's a few movies I would not have done.
Thomas Howell, during an interview regarding his role as Zoom in Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox

Not since the British raided Cologne had so many bombs landed in such a small space in such a short time.
Rod Serling, on his early writing career.

IGN: Is the presentation ever going to make it to DVD?
Joss Whedon: Not while there is strength in these bones.
IGN: Well, I mean, it's one of the most heavily bootlegged things on the Internet.
Whedon: Yeah. It sucks on ass.
IGN: Yeah, it does, but it's sort of that archival, historical perspective...
Whedon: Yeah, I've got your historical perspective.
—2003 IGN Film Force force interview, discussing the unaired Buffy the Vampire Slayer pilot

Jonathan Ross: Alright, we've established - John can act. John can push a dog in a pram. John's got his own... not-particularly-well-crafted, action figure. He can sing, and so on and so forth. But can he choose the right movies to be in?
John Barrowman: ... Oh, SHIT.
Friday Night with Jonathan Ross

Michael Dorn: The security guard wouldn't let me on set when I was out of makeup.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, there were other reasons for that.
LeVar Burton: I think it was your work in CHiPs.
Dorn: "You were Jet Turner in CHiPs! I'm sorry, you can't."
Star Trek: The Next Generation, 25th Anniversary panel

I had done a NordicTrack infomercial years before. And so my first day, my big day, my ONLY day on the set, Avery Brooks is here reminding me of it. How embarrassing... I said, "Avery, I got paid for doing it. What was your excuse for watching it?"
Chase Masterson on her Star Trek: Deep Space Nine debut

I wrote the episode, or at least the teleplay... Out of a hundred and some episodes, you're gonna have some stinkers! Unfortunately, that was a royal, steaming stinker... It was not my shining moment.
Brannon Braga, regarding "Threshold", from the Star Trek: Voyager season 2 DVD.

... in reflecting on the entire two months of Scarlet Spider books, I'm reminded of a scene from another movie: This Is Spinal Tap... For their album Shark Sandwich, DiBergi says, "The entire review consists of only two words: 'Shit sandwich.'" Well, that pretty sums up my opinion of the Scarlet Spider books, and I could end right here feeling that I'd told you everything you needed to know about them.
Editor/Writer Glenn Greenberg on The Clone Saga

A number of wiser and better writers than me tell me that it is universal among writers to be embarrassed by anything they've ever written, but I never really believed it until now. The first chapter of this story is terrible. It is shamefully bad. I can't imagine how any of you managed to stand it. I got three pages in and closed the lid of my laptop by reflex as a defence mechanism to get the horror away.
Sir Poley, author of Harry Potter and the Natural 20.

Dear Internet; While I agree that I was indeed a precociously adorable child, let's go ahead and bury the PartyMania. Cool? Thx a million.
Jewel Staite's Twitter feed, 2010
@JewelStaite: You do realize that you've just caused 38,000 people to google "Jewel Staite Party Mania", right?'' —Twitter user GlitchMike
"Aw, shit."Jewel Staite

Kirsty Young: And can you remember any of the lyrics from any of the songs?
Ricky Gervais: ... Um...
Kirsty: I just saw what flashed through your eyes then; you can, but you're not sure you want to say them.
Ricky: That's exactly right.
Kirsty: Go on then.
Ricky: No! No, you were right; I can, but I'm not going to say them.
Kirsty: Why not?
Ricky: Because it makes me want to crawl into a dustbin.
— Discussing Ricky's old band on Desert Island Discs.

TIME: At what age will you sit River Rose down and tell her about From Justin To Kelly?
Kelly Clarkson: NEVER! We donít have to show her that!
TIME: Youíre going to pretend it doesnít exist?
Kelly: Thatís what I do. So why not?
TIME: It could be a cult movie classic, you just have to give it a few more years...
Kelly: Oh my God, I hope not. I just want it to go away. I want to own all of it. I just want it to not be here.
—"Kelly Clarkson: I Will Never Tell My Daughter About From Justin to Kelly", 2.27.15

Emma Thompson: The truth is, I have misled the public about my past.
Ellen DeGeneres: So you did a little soft porn.
Emma: No, it's not just that.
Ellen (talk show).

None of your goddamn business!

The Diamond Head Game was such a piece of you know what. They took a poorly designed game, shot it in Hawaii, and thought it was a good idea. I hated every minute of hosting it.
Bob Eubanks

I guess I should just accept "bad rom hack with swears" as part of my eternal legacy