If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean, 'cause, hey!
I'd like you anyway
Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free to say
That I was gay (but I'm not gay)
— "If You Were Gay", Avenue Q
Short-Haired Girl: I can't believe he stood up to that fire monster!
Ponytail Girl: I can't believe he kicked it all the way into the river!
Long-Haired Girl: I can't believe he's gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just upset that I can't ask him out.
Short-Haired Girl: Don't you already have a boyfriend?
Long-Haired Girl: Of course I do. He's right here.
The Boyfriend: I am less than happy right now.
"Are you a gay Christian? No, it's alright. I don't mind, I don't mind at all. If 'homosexuality' is your thing. If that is the bag that you're into. Then, that's great. Fantastic. I mean, don't be ashamed. Whatever you do, I mean, stand up. Come out of the toilet, as the phrase has it. Stand up and say I am 'tempted' to be a homosexual. And fine and you may even decide, after much prayer, to enter into a committed and 'tempted' relationship with a member of the same genital group. And if you do, and you feel you can do nothing about it. You've been to a psychiatrist. You've had conversion therapy. You tried tying metal weights to your private part. And you still feel these tendencies. Then I'm afraid it means that God just want you to have a rotten life. God's like that. He hates poofs."
— Rowan Atkinson, "The Gay Christian"
"I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put 'Not gay'. But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put '... but supportive.'"
''"I can't believe SheZow's a boy, not if there's anything wrong with that.
—Tooth Fairy, She Zow, "Dental Breakdown"
Danny: Never say no to a hostage taker. It's in the manual. Eliminate no from your vocabulary, Farley. Never use no, don't, won't, or can't. It eliminates options and leave no choice but to shoot someone. Now lets practice, if you say no again, I'll kill somebody. ... Now, I'd like a sub machine gun so I can blow everyone in here away.
Farley: [stammering] I'll look into that.
Danny: Good! You're doing good Farley! You ever cheat on your wife, Farley? Don't say no!
Farley: [stammering worse now] I'll have to look into that Danny.
Danny: You ever... dress up like a schoolgirl and get your ass spanked? [Farley tries and fails to come up with a way to say no without using the word] Jesus... I got nothing against you dressing up like a little girl, but I did not know that about you, Farley.
Brett Favre: Rodgers, the only legacy you have is as my untalented clipboard caddy and unwilling penis model.
Carson Palmer: Penis what now?
Brett Favre: Whenever Rodgers used to trim his ugly ‘stache in the locker room, I used to sneak up and take candid close-ups of his junk. You know, to text to random skanks and whatnot.
Matt Schaub: Wait, so back when you got in trouble for sexting dick pics to that New York girl, it was actually Aaron Rodger’s teeny-tiny penis in the photos?
Aaron Rodgers: MY DICK WAS ONLY TEENY-TINY IN THOSE PICTURES BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT DISGUSTED ME!
Jay Cutler: Girls, I assume?
Ben Roethlisberger THAT'S A REFERENCE TO THOSE RUMORS FLOATING AROUND LAST SEASON THAT AARON RODGERS MIGHT POSSIBLY BE GAY.
Aaron Rodgers: AND I WILL TELL YOU ONCE AGAIN THAT I'M NOT GAY
Aaron Rodgers: BUT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, JUST BY THE WAY.