Quotes: No, Except Yes

"I'm not saying that it was aliens... but it was aliens."
Giorgio Tsoukalos, as spoofed in this image macro.

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    music 

There's a fruit store on our street, it's run by a Greek
And he keeps good thing to eat, but you should hear him speak
When you ask him anything, he never answers 'No'
He just Yes's you to death, and as he takes your dough, he tells you
'YES! We have no bananas! We have no bananas today!
'
Yes! We Have No Bananas, popular song

    film — live-action 

Max: You killed him!
Vincent: No, I shot him. The bullets and the fall killed him.

    literature 

Vimes: Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?
Detritus: Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.
Jingo'

Goblin: There are two things under this world that i really despise. [...] And from what I hear, you fall neatly into both categories.
Mulch: Just my luck.
Goblin: Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it. Fortune delivered you into my hands.

    live-action tv 

John: Whoa, whoa. Now, that would be ridiculous. No one is out there claiming there is a "magic pill" out there; that would be stupid.
Oz: This little bean has scientists saying they've found a magic weight loss cure for every body type!
John: See?? He never said there was a "magic pill"! He said there was a magic bean!

"I don't have a gut! I have contours."
Frasier Crane, Frasier

Adam: So you lied. About everything.
Zachariah: We didn't lie. We just avoided certain truths to manipulate you.
Supernatural, "Point of No Return"

Shaw: Are you disputing with the computer?
Spock: I am not disputing with the computer; I am merely stating that it is wrong.

Clara: How do we get down there? Jump?
Doctor: Donít be silly. We fall.
Doctor Who, "The Name of the Doctor"

Yeah but no but yeah no but yeah no but yeah no but yeah no but yeah no but—
Viki Pollard, Little Britain

Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me!
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: ...But that's me!

    newspapers 

The Woman is played by Amira Casar, who is completely nude most of the time, although the opening titles inform us that a body double will be playing her close-ups in [nude] scenes. 'Itís not her body,' the titles explain, 'itís an extension of a fictional character.' Tell that to the double.

    Video games 

Yukari: I have a question for you. In the video from my father... He said to defeat the Shadows. Was that a lie, too?
Ikutsuki: Ah. He did record that himself. Of course, I had to make some modifications.
Mitsuru: You doctored it!?
Ikutsuki: I corrected it.

"I'm not going to harm it. I'm going to dissect it until it's dead!"
Dr. Klein, Fallout: New Vegas (Old World Blues DLC)

    web original 

"Before you scroll down and begin accusing me of being a paedophile; this video was made in 2010. These kids look at the very youngest to be 14. Theyíre either 17 or 18 now."
Luke Bailey, "15 Most Offensive Things Written on Return of Kings"

"Oh and I am NOT an 'anti-semite'. I am anti SCUMBAG, LYING, THIEVING, MURDERING, POS. Just b/c most Jews fall in that category is not my doing."

It's not a school shooting when someone goes and shoots a specific person on campus. It's a shooting that happens to take place at school.

I knew there would be a lot of shitty hot takes in the wake of yesterday's titanic Super Bowl. But I didn't know that the worst take of all would come from THIS VERY WEBSITE, from the otherwise perfectly reasonable Barry Petchesky. Barry is a Giants fan, so maybe his brain has been wadded up with municipal pothole filling and discarded Oreo wafers from Eli Manning's lunch box. It's the only possible reason for this abomination from my co-worker:

Tom Brady's not the greatest quarterback of all time, not even after winning his fourth Super bowl and third Super Bowl MVP...But he's quite probably the most successful.

Oh, he's not the greatest. He's just accomplished more than any other quarterback ever has or perhaps ever will. TOTALLY UNRELATED SPECIMENS.
Drew Magary, "Counterpoint: Tom Brady Is One Of The Best Of All Time, Moron"

Seen above making her way to a post office box to mail the mortgage check that is probably going to bounce thanks to the conspiracy that is ruining her residuals, Phylicia Rashad is doing a little bit of backtracking after her comments about the Bill Cosby scandal went everywhere yesterday. Phylicia needs an Olivia Pope in her life to teach her how to properly clean up a mess, because sheís not so good at backtracking...Okay, so she didnít say "forget these women." What she meant to say is that we need to pull the women off the stage, put them in a corner somewhere, throw a blanket over them, put some potted plants in front of them and dim the lights over there so we can go back to whatís really important: weeping over the fact that reruns of her old show arenít showing on TV Land anymore.
Michael K., "Phylicia Rashad Was Totally Misquoted, Okay!"

"No Jews or dogs" hotels, "we don't serve your kind here", "No Irish need apply", "This is man's job", etc. All this is a "right of association" in Libertarian theology.

Such a weird position is not just the purview of some position-writers in a corner, but a surprisingly common trait of Libertarians. It's one of the surest way of identifying one...Libertarians can go to town whenever they're called racist, sexist, and so on (gee, how could anyone ever get that idea?), proclaiming their great personal but private commitment to equality. Of course, they never have to do anything much in this regard since events have passed them by. But they want make sure you know they fully support the ideals, even if they think that all the past decades legal effort should be repealed as immoral and unprincipled. They also love to switch the debate to affirmative action, because that's far more contentious than anti-discrimination. But the position's very plain. Drinking from the wrong water fountain would presumably be "initiation of force", allowing retaliation of force to eject the malefactor.
Seth Finkelstein, "Libertarianism Make You Stupid"

    web video 

Kent: It's a FOOD chute! Sort of like a dumbwaiter, I suppose.
Yahtzee: (playing) It's not "sort of" like a dumbwaiter, it is a dumbwaiter, you massive cunt.
Let's Play Normality

    real life 

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

We are not retreating — we are advancing in another Direction.
Gen. Douglas MacArthur

Actually, we have no race classification in the strict sense of the word. We have population grouping. We in South Africa are not at all obsessed with race.
— National Party MP in Parliament, 1967

I don't want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.
Grover Norquist

I am not 'anti-vaccine'...We are demanding safe vaccines. We want to reduce the schedule and reduce the toxins.
Jenny McCarthy

Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely unintentional side-effect.
Linus Torvalds, President of Linux

I never said that she was fat, I said that she was a little roundish; a little roundish is not fat. But for such a beautiful girl—er, after that, she lost eight kilo so I think the message was not that bad.
Karl Lagerfield on Adele

40% of our policies do not coincide with NSDAP's policies.
Anders Behring Breivik, who is at most 60% Nazi.

No, we think — we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.
Ann Coulter shoots down allegations of antisemitism

We never had sex sex. I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That's it.
—Note heterosexual Ted Haggard

I do not think it is okay to throw acid in women's faces for any reason. I do think the Taliban are rational and that their policy of mutilating and murdering those who threaten their way of life reflects their objectives and their ruthlessness rather than an inability to think rationally.

It's not plagiarism in the digital age — it's repurposing.
Shia Labeouf on accusations of plagerism

He declares that people who think they actually did something when they create are selfish assholes, but contends that working out how to press control and V at the same time is an act of genius.
Cracked, in response to above quote