"Luke, this hat only comes off for very special occasions. That is all I'm willing to say on the matter."
The Shaper, a nearly five-billion-year-old former godlike being that everyone calls Emily: 'Elementary, my dear colonel. When every sensible explanation has been disproved, then whatever remains, however silly, must be the truth. And the truth is that the British Empire stands on the brink of invasion by highly intelligent hats from the future!
You see a person wearing a distinctive hat pushing through the crowd. It's a witch hunter's hat.
"A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
— Wash, Firefly, about Jayne's cunning hat
Pen: That's stupid!
"Never wear a hat that has more character than you do."
— Michael Harris, hatmaker
"Hey, Herby/Where'd you get the derby/Where'd you get a hat like that/If I told you why would you tell me where/I could find a hat like that."
— Roger Miller, "The Hat"
"Never pass up an opportunity to draw characters in amusing hats."
—Shaennon K. Garrity, Narbonic: Director's Cut
"In true Western tradition, your level of badassness is dictated by the size of your hat: Ray and Thomas both wear big hats and therefore eat danger and shit bullets, Wee-Um doesn't get a hat so the best he can hope for is to eat Weetabix and shit healthily."
"The Prussian military. You can tell these guys are serious because of their hats."
"UVANOV'S HAT. UVANOV'S. MOTHERFUCKING. HAT. Best hat in Doctor Who ever. Possibly the best hat in everything ever. I FUCKING LOVE IT. I genuinely do. It's gorgeous. It's like an unfurling flower and like some sort of alien priest's mitre. THIS HAT SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN SPINOFF."
"And what is this religious fascination with head gear? Every religion's got a different fucking hat! Did you ever notice that? The Hindus have a turban, the Sikhs have a tall white turban, Jews have the yarmulke, the Muslims have the keffiyeh, the bishop has a pointy hat on one end and round on the other end, cardinal has a red hat, pope has... Everybody's got a fucking hat! One group takes them off, the other group puts them on!"
— George Carlin, "It's Bad For Ya"
Throughout history, men have worn hats as a way of showing how much better they are than other men. "I buy hats," a behatted man seems to say. "I am better than you."
In wartime, hats were a useful way of conferring rank, and ensuring that casualties were confined to the lower classes (hence the famous command of "Don't fire till you see the tops of their heads" at the Battle of Bunker Hill by William Prescott, a general renowned for only shooting enemy combatants who were poor). During peacetime, hats have been instrumental for men to let the non-hatted know just who is wearing the hat around here.
And thatís the entire history of hats. The history you were spoon fed at school, that is, in your government-run hat class. But hereís a little truth bomb your teachers, pastors and ombudsmen of your regional newspapers DONíT WANT YOU TO KNOW: Team Fortress now has MORE hats. We hope this didnít blow your mind out of the top of your head, since youíll need a place to put all these cool new hats.
"I wish I'd had a few more days to come up with funnier future administration highlights, but you go with your best idea at deadline and say fuck it. The final drawing of Bill is all that really matters, anyway. It was when I gave him that fucked-up hat that I knew the cartoon was a success."
Near the shores of the Circle Sea, in the ancient sprawling city of Ankh-Morpork, on a velvet cushion on a ledge high up in the Unseen University, was a hat.
It was a good hat. It was a magnificent hat.
"It's a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool."
"Talk about near-disasters! Today's the junior-class photo...Imagine me without my trademark hat!"
"That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, cardinals have those little red beanies, the pope has a collection of big hats...God must have a huge fucking sombrero up there in heaven! "Look at me, I'm GOD! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be?" I don't know, the lead singer of Los Lobos?"
— Denis Leary, Lock 'n load
"Subdue the duck with the great hat!"
— Robot Mook, Duck Dodgers
"Nice hat. What are you trying to look like, a secret agent?"
— Dennis Nedry, Jurassic Park
"I think it's clear by now that the Ace Attorney designers are all about accessorizing, and Angel wins that competition hands down. That is quite possibly the single greatest hat in video game history."
"I've never seen you with a hat before. I must admit, it suits you."
"Ninety percent of being cool is looking cool. And you look so much cooler wearing a ball cap."
—Chris Kyle, American Sniper
Fourteenth Army's distinguishing feature was the bush-hat, that magnificent Australian headgear with the rakish broad brim that shielded against rain and sun and was ideal for scooping water out of wells. In some ways it was a freak, in the steel-helmeted twentieth century, and it may have cost some lives under shell-fire, but we wouldn't have swapped it. It looked good, it felt good; if you'd been able to boil water in it you wouldn't have needed a hotel.
— George MacDonald Fraser, Quartered Safe Out Here