"Don't try to confuse me with the facts!"
"Wait a minute, Joe! If what you're saying is true... then I still don't care!"
"There's nothing like the sound of 1500 people not laughing."
"Lisa, you're sitting in the house that "Honk if you're Horny" built"
"Once a man has thrown his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch."
Lisa: If everybody thought you should jump off a bridge, would you do that?
Dave: If everyone around here thought I should jump off a bridge, they'd just get together and push me.
"Could this argument continue as it started - without me?"
"Must be lonely in the middle."
"You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain."
"I don't know what it is caffeine does for you, but I'm pretty sure that without it... your head caves in."
"It's wonderful when perception meets reality, isn't it?"
"Every family needs somebody to do the dirty work."
"Just keep smiling, in case anyone has any lingering doubts..."
"A blissful week of speedo freedom, or should I say speedom!"
"What are you doing standing here watching me eat lunch in the can?"
Bill: The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.
Dave: That's soul, Bill.
Bill: For those who have one.
"This idea is both fair and democratic... and I want no part in it."
"Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?"
Jimmy: Driving you crazy?
Dave: You sure are.
Jimmy: I get that a lot.
"I haven't read the comics since I realised Beetle Bailey wasn't gonna shoot anybody..."
"I want it on my piano by the end of the day."
"If I believed in fairy tales I wouldn't have dropped out of kindergarten."
"No, I am not paranoid, because I can say without a trace of irony: You're all out to get me."
"If I want to be treated like a spoilt baby, it's time I acted like one."
Dave: Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee?
Bill: Yes, coffee. In bed. After we did it.
"Whoa. Is it getting chilly in here or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?"
Beth: What if something goes wrong?
Bill: Just relax. Jimmy's as safe as a bug in a baby's bottom.
"When true love is unrequited, the whole world is a load of crap."
Jimmy: Hold it! Bill I've read Penthouse letters that are more plausible than this.
Bill: So have I, But the fact is the woman wanted me. And the fact that she couldn't have me made her quite simply insane with what the great poets have called 'manimal lust'
Dave: Sir, uh, where are you going?
Jimmy: Dave, please. You don't drop a piranha in the kiddie pool then stick around to watch the bubbles!
"I wish I were here to enjoy this."