"It's always lightest before the dark."
— The Killer Inside Me
"I did not hit her. It's not true, it's bullshit, I did not hit her! I DID NOT. Oh hi Mark."
— Johnny, The Room
"What a trip! What a trip! Blizzards all the way! Snow 20 feet deep! But we had to get that serum through! It was mush, mush, mush all night! (Grabbing the dog and pushing him like a sled dog) Come on, mush, mush, mush, mush, mush! Suddenly, the glacier cracks! There's a roar! Tons of ice! NO ESCAPE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! How things been with you?"
Terror. Terror in the night. The whipping, howling, unforgiving winds crash into the clouds, and rain falls no matter where you turn! There is no escape... no escaping the true horror! A sudden silence, and then screaming thunder, lightning, floods, TORNADOES, FAMINE, PESTILENCE, FIRE, EARTHQUAKES! AAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
...giving way to hazy afternoon sunshine. I'll be back with the five-day forecast after this.
"Everythin' goin' on just as usual, and then, all of a sudden, before you know it, there's two people murdered."
— Mrs. Jones, Street Scene
Ken: What did I do to deserve this?
Captain Joe: (pensive) We don't deserve half the things we get. (laughs maniacally, then throws down his pen angrily) You're stuck here!
Red Mailbox: You see Harold? That man tried to put his package into that mailbox!
Blue Mailbox: Maybe he thought it was a female box?
Red Mailbox: ...it’s been 9 years since Judy died.
"Full Combo! Result: FAILED."
"They ended up having kindergartners singing songs to their teddy bears followed by eighteen-year-olds doing speed metal guitar solos."
— Greg, referring to his school's talent show, Diary of a Wimpy Kid
A previous episode of this show involved several thousand innocent people being violently murdered with machine guns. Just thought we should mention that.
"The series presents a whimsical fairytale world and then systematically murders the innocents while all you can do is boink random NPCs and perform fart emotes. Then at the end you get to sort of put a single bad guy down without any sense of justice or closure. It just ends. (...) Imagine if the movie Se7en had been exactly the same, except Brad Pitt’s character had done a bunch of screwy pratfalls and Wayans brothers style comedy."
"See, when you come outta those up-tempo goddamn numbers, man, it's impossible to make those transitions. And then you gotta go into somebody dying, you know, they do this to me all the time, I don't know what they hell they do it for... want somebody use his fuckin' brain to not come out of a goddamn record that's up-tempo and I gotta talk about a fuckin' dog dying!"
— Casey Kasem
"Anyway, when they're not urging their readers to talk to squirrels or torment their own murderers, they're filling their pages with the sort of extreme content normally associated with sicko websites aimed at snickering frat boys - grisly real-life murder stories, close-up photos of tumours and injuries, that kind of thing - the only real difference being that here the relentless horror is interspersed with heart-warming readers' letters in which Kids Say the Funniest Things. Somehow the juxtaposition only makes the nasty content seem worse."
"At each performance the audience, which had been charmed by the precedent foolishness, grew deathly cold as the debate began: this was not what they had anticipated... and their confidence in the play was never entirely regained. A few days before we left Boston, I replaced the scene with a lighter one, involving the principals and our subtlest player, a cat. The substitute was engaging; the play moved amiably; no one was shocked (some observers in New Haven had declared the entire conception unwholesomely menacing). And by deliberately dulling the edge of the satire, the farce flourished."
—Gore Vidal, preface to Visitor to a Small Planet
"Incidentally, this section contains about as jarring a shift of tone as you can get without splicing five minutes of The Human Centipede into the middle of Mallrats."
"Ever play with a dog that’s really happy and bouncy one minute, and the next minute he’s ripping your arm off and using it as a chew toy? This movie’s shifts in tone are kind of like that."
"You know, it's a very odd script that goes literally five minutes from slapstick comedy of a man bumping his head to euthanasia."
"Baby's Day Out was a film about a baby crawling through a city on its own. It was a schizophrenic mess that couldn't decide whether it was a movie, a cartoon, or a snuff film for toddlers."
Matt: Singer and his team planned a full-on Phoenix Saga movie, but when he left, new screenwriters developed a new script that mashed up that story with Joss Whedon’s “Gifted” arc in Astonishing. They…don’t really work together.
Chris: Either one would’ve made a fine movie on its own, really. Singer was clearly going for Phoenix and something a little more grand and cosmic, while “Gifted” is a nice crowd-pleasing everything-you-want-to-see story written by Joss Whedon. But together, they’re at cross purposes. It makes for a movie that can’t figure itself out, and it only gets worse with all the characters thrown in to muddle the plot.
"Helen tells Madea she did her best but Charles abused her both physically and mentally the past 18 years and due to the fact she signed a pre-nup she is not entitled to a dime. They go over and confront Charles and his skank and Madea chainsaws many of the pieces of furniture in half. Where Madea pulled a chainsaw out of I’ll never know... This is like watching an Ernest movie and having 10 minutes of Ernest with an hour and a half of melodrama about abortions."
"'So I got it figured out guys," Nojima says, having collected himself. "There's a girl who sends people into the past and there's these two — fuck it — three witches out to get her. And there's also this high-tech country that builds a machine to make monsters fall from the Moon, And the main character is this guy from a flying school who has to battle his hated rival while playing card games... and stopping the three witches and all the moon monsters and rescuing the time girl, who's also his sister. But I think what we got here — at its heart — is a love story."
—Pat R., "A Series Discovers Its Crack Pipe"
"You went to go see a comedy about toys. You ended up halfway through flashing back to sitting at your grandma's bedside as she passed away. NO! GRANDMA! DON'T LEAVE ME! I'M NOT READY FOR YOU TO DIE YET! NOOOOOOO!!!!! Oh look! The dinosaur toy is on roller skates! I feel better now."
"Leah vacillated between calling down curses on his head and wishing for his love again with a speed that gave Sue whiplash."
— Narration, Luminosity
"Why is it that all of these episodes that have babysitting start out as light comedy only to dive-bomb into stuff out of a horror movie?"
Choir: Saint Esther works with cripples, the sick and the abused
And then she says "tits", "bums" and "fart" to keep us all amused
Announcer: You may notice that on That's Life!, viewers are whisked from the heights of comedy to the depths of tragedy and back again, oscillating at a frequency fast enough to give most viewers the emotional bends.
CAD began in a style not too unlike newspaper comics; something trivial and amusing (well, it tried) to read at work when you were bored, have a chuckle at and move on. Most likely Buckley never put any effort into the actual art because he thought he could push this thing along on the jokes alone; a simple style is okay for a simple little gag strip that you're going to forget by the time you've had your next coffee. But at some point (the word "Ethan" appears, crossed out) Buckley broke out of his straight jacket and decided a shitty little copy-and-paste comic was the perfect medium for tragic, emotional tales of human woe. That gamers looking for a little giggle would somehow appreciate depth of plots like miscarriages, failing relationships and the like. He - for whatever reason - thought that he could trade in the randomrofllol for OHGODWHYYYY and everything would carry on as normal.
Nostalgia Critic: Actually, the funny thing is, have you watched this scene recently? I mean okay, you got the mother shot, the kid looking for her and the father saying—
Bambi's Father: Your mother can't be with you anymore.
Nostalgia Critic: But watch what comes immediately after.
(cut to birds singing a happy song)
Nostalgia Critic: What the hell? It's like, we can't let reality set in too deep, so here's some pretty birdies! Ooh, the birdies, nobody's dead, nobody's dead hey birdies, birdies!
Linkara: It's Captain America and Thor fighting an army of the dead so they can reclaim the soul of Thor's lover and partner in asskicking! This is frickin' awesome! This is fantastic! This is just a brilliant concept, and I don't know how this comic gets such a bad rap with-
John Cleese: And now for something completely different.