Quotes / Money, Dear Boy

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    Live-Action TV 

Ummi: Now tell me, what is an erudite and sophisticated gentleman such as yourself doing on a stupid show like this?
Stephen Fry: I'm basically a whore.
The Kumars at No. 42

"Hi, and welcome to Drew Carey's House Payment!"
Wayne Brady, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the "Scenes From A Hat" suggestion "Rejected Names for 'Whose Line Is It Anyway'".

"He brought a certain quality to every role he played, and that is the quality of really... needing... the money."
Paul Eddington, A Bit of Fry and Laurie


Money, it's a hit
Don't give me that do goody-good bullshit
—"Money", Pink Floyd

Having money isn't everything
Not having it is
—"Good Life", Kanye West

Gimme some a' that cold cash!
I want to stuff it in my couch
Gimme some of those big stacks!
I need them bricks to build my house
Gimme all of that, all of that 'til the ATM runs out
If money can't buy happiness, then why is it so fabulous?
—"Money", That Poppy

    Web Original 

"Ric Flair (wooo!) is a 16-time world champion who has seen it all (wooo!), done it all (wooo!), and spent it all (wooo!...waitwut). The last item is the reason he whored himself out for TNA."

"Connery is sleep-walking through the movie. There’s very little energy or enthusiasm from the lead, beyond the bare minimum. It’s as if Connery is doing just enough to avoid getting fired. Maybe it’s an age thing...Connery looks like he should be in Vegas for one of those retirement trips rather than business."

"Apparently (Jeremy) Irons was in this movie because he needed to pay for renovations on some castle he’d purchased. Though I understand an actor’s inherent need to work, and that you can’t always pick and choose what you’re offered even if you’ve won an Academy Award, it occurs to me that maybe he could have had a little more discretion about certain projects if he weren’t buying castles."

"Michael Keaton. Only in Hollywood can you have a heartwarming "comeback" after, like, just chilling out for a few years. Michael Keaton has spent the past decade sitting on a mountain of gold kruggerands, vacationing in the Seychelles, and doing the occasional voiceover job. It's not like he went to prison or anything...And every time an actor comes back for some critically adored prestige project, they always make it sound like he opted out of acting for a while just because he was picky about good roles. Dude, this guy was in Jack Frost. He ain't that picky. Let's not give him an Oscar for having such imaginary good taste."
Drew Magary, "The Hater's Guide to the 2015 Oscars"

"All week long the Today show has been whoring out Fifty Shades of Grey hard, because they’re both owned by the same company and the producers of that cinematic shit show just knew that hearing human tap water drop Savannah Guthrie talk about the hot sex scenes would make you want to lube up your entire body and buy a ticket. I didn’t think anything could make Fifty Shades of Grey unsexier, but hearing Matt Lauer talk about it proved me wrong... Jamie, Dakota and Sam (Taylor-Johnson) tried to act like they were happy and excited but they looked like they were in the lobby of a clinic waiting for their HIV test results...they don’t even try. In the pictures from this morning’s screening, Jamie looks like a dude who took his sister to the prom because his parents promised to put the down payment on the car he’s been eyeing if he did."
Michael K., "Jamie Dornan And Dakota Johnson’s Scorching Hot Chemistry Is Burning Off Your Eyelashes, I Know"

"Aside from a new summerhouse for Morgan Freeman, no one was expecting much out of the sequel to Bruce Almighty that nobody asked for."

Chris: The best part of this scene is that everyone is in the same costumes and standing on the same marks as they were in the last scene on this set, even though days are supposed to have passed. It could not be more obvious that Ben Kingsley was just knocking out his part one right after the other.
Matt: I wouldn’t be shocked to discover someone off screen was just feeding him lines.
Chris: Jor-El style!
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Bloodrayne

Anyway, Ben Kingsley is the Bad One in it, and he will do literally anything for money which is one of the more important philosophical questions posed in the film: Exactly what won't Ben Kingsley do? And if he can strip himself all dignity even though he was in Gandhi, are we all really that right to be so proud ourselves? We, who were not in Gandhi even for a second?

""Has it ever occurred to you that you may have totally lost your mind," says Marlon Brando's agent, I mean, Edward Douglas."
Jabootu on The Island Of Dr Moreau (1996)

"I know this is a DTV movie, but even by those standards [it] is terrible. I also think we all need to give up on the idea of Lance Henriksen “starring” in any movies anymore. The man is the John Carradine of the new millennium. He will just show up for five minutes to any movie offering craft services. Chuck a few free tacos his way and BAM he will show up to your nephew’s bar mitzvah. I just assume he is in every crappy Scifi movie from now on. Yeah, as you can guess, he shows up for five minutes grunts out a few lines and collects his paycheck (despite being top billed)."
Miles Antwiler on Screamers: The Hunting (2009)

"Liam Neeson is the disapproving admiral, and he glowers through his sparse screen time with all the conviction of a guy who can't wait to see his check get deposited."

    Web Video 

I ain't got that guilt money,
I don't give a fuck!
I take my cheques to the bank,
And I sign 'em with my nuts!

I can see why this film was made
Unused actors needed to get paid
MikeJ (to the melody of "American Pie"), Shameful Sequels: American Pie 3

Dennis Quaid. The Day After Tomorrow, G.I. Joe, and now Pandorum? Why? Do you need money? I'll give you some money!
Brett Erlich, The Rotten Tomatoes Show

Oancitizen: How'd they get Derek Jacobi to do this?
Kylie: Needed to pay off a parking ticket.
— The cast and crew of Brows Held High, on the film Anonymous

Mike: I thought Leonard Nimoy said he was never gonna play Spock again after the first one.
Jay: You know what happened? Even if Leonard Nimoy said that and he meant it, they took one of those little bags of cash and just dropped it in front of him. He said, "Oo-kay. Can we do it on The Skype?"
Mike: But what does that guy need cash for? He's like 89 years old. What, does he need a bigger headstone?

"This is not a real viral hit. This is viral marketing... 'Course, it's kinda obvious that this is prepackaged considering the video has appearances by Snoop Dogg and David Hasslehoff, two men who are— (beat) ...basically prostitutes. I don't think that's controversial to say."
Todd in the Shadows on #Selfie

Transmorphers Character: I did not sign on for a paycheque!
Film Brain: Your acting says otherwise.

"This is the only fucking shit you people care about! You don't care about promoting your products! You don't care about people reviewing your shit and improving your shit! No, you care about this shit! That's all the shit you fucking care about!"
Angry Joe in his YouTube Copyright Disaster rant

"It's also hard to believe they got Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper into this movie. Leguizamo I understand; he was just starting out. But Hoskins and Hopper must have really needed to pay for a summer home or something."

"Alright, let's get this over with: Vulcan sign, "Live long and prosper", where's my check?"
—Kevin Murphy parodying Leonard Nimoy's appearance in Star Trek, RiffTrax''

    Western Animation 

Kyle: From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music! We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?!
Britney Spears: We're just about the money.
South Park, Episode 709 "Christian Rock Hard"

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.
Krusty: [Sobbing] They drove a dump-truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!
The Simpsons, on one of Krusty the Clown's many, many, many income-driven enterprises.

    Real Life 

"For the money, old chap, for the money!"
Ray Milland when asked why he had appeared in so many bad films late in his career.

"For the loot, honey, for the loot."
Ava Gardner on why she came out of retirement to appear on a soap opera.

"People ask me why I'm playing in this picture. The answer is simple: Money, dear boy. I'm like a vintage wine. You have to drink me quickly before I turn sour. I'm almost used up now and I can feel the end coming. That's why I'm taking money now. I've got nothing to leave my family but the money I can make from films. Nothing is beneath me if it pays well. I've earned the right to damn well grab whatever I can in the time I've got left."
Laurence Olivier, on his role in Inchon

"I'm doing it purely for money, because I deserve it. I’ve sung, I’ve entertained, I’ve pleased your children, I’ve pleased your wives, I’ve pleased you—YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"
Judy Garland Speaks

"New rubbish dialogue reaches me every other day on wadges of pink paper, and none of it makes my character clear or even bearable. I just think, thankfully, of the lovely bread, which will keep me going until next April even if Yahoo collapses in a week..."
Alec Guinness, writing to a friend about a little thing called Star Wars. (And no, Guinness wasn't a prophet or time-traveler; "Yahoo" refers to a 1976 stage play he wrote and starred in based on Gulliver's Travels.)

"You show me an actor doing a shit movie, I'll show you a guy with a bad divorce."

"The plot was utterly ridiculous, but I agreed to appear in the film because I got a percentage of the gross."
Tony Curtis, on the 1967 surf/sex comedy Don't Make Waves

"I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific!"
Michael Caine, on his role in Jaws: The Revenge

"I made a picture called Super Mario Bros., and my six-year-old son at the time — he's now 18 — he said, 'Dad I think you're probably a pretty good actor, but why did you play that terrible guy King Koopa in Super Mario Bros?' And I said, 'Well Henry, I did that so you could have shoes,' and he said, 'Dad, I don't need shoes that badly.'"

"During the hippie era people put down the idea of business—they'd say, 'Money is bad,' and 'Working is bad,' but making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art."
Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol

"I sell myself for the highest price. Exactly like a prostitute. There is no difference."

"I've been broke and I've been not broke, and it's much better not being broke. (laughs) I will do a lot for money. Life's lessons teach you that."
Gordon Tomson on Dynasty

"I was a medium-level juvenile delinquent from Newark who always dreamed about doing a movie. Someone said 'Hey, here's $7 million, come in and do this genie movie.' What am I going to say, no?"''
Shaquille O'Neal, explaining why he did Kazaam

"When someone asks, 'Do you want to do some funny ads for not many days in the year and be paid more than you would be for an entire series of Peep Show?' the answer, obviously, is, 'Yeah, that's fine'."
Robert Webb, defending his appearance in Mac adverts

"I'm doing weapons training for this piece of shit, then I go to Romania to shoot another piece of shit, then come back to shoot my part in this piece of shit...[sighs]...What can I say? My wife loves shoes."

iron man does some iron man shit. I don't even like iron man, why am I writing this?
Shane Black, Iron Man 3 screenplay

""Hey, man, we’re just running a couple of days behind. Do you think you can stay through your birthday and then come back on the fourth of July. And, by the way, but, like, the crew—can you pay for the craft services? And, oh, by the way, man, when we go to Sundance, it’s like, can we just sit you in a chair and you can sell this for six days in a row so that we’ll make 180 bucks when it opens in one theater? God, this is so powerful what we’re doing. What do you think of the movie? You saw it last night?" “I thought it’s mediocre.” “Yeah, isn’t it the greatest?! Man, everyone’s an artist here.” “Actually, most of you are kind of inexperienced and lame.”"
Robert Downey, Jr. on the indies

"Damn, what did the indie filmmaking industry do to Robert Downey Jr.? He really clutched a roll of quarters and went for the throat. The only problem is, I’m a little confused by it all. Can anyone remember the last time Robert Downey Jr. made an indie movie? Maybe he’s so used to making billion-dollar super hero movies that he considers any movie with a budget of less than $200 million to be an ‘indie’ movie. I can just picture him freaking out on set. “Whoah whoah whoah, what do you mean you don’t have the budget for an on-set personal jacuzzi masseuse? First you tell me there’s no helicopter transportation to and from my trailer, and now this? Somebody get my agent on the phone.“"

"My greatest hope for this movie is that people will be entertained and thrilled by it, but also that they'll go home and have conversations with their family, and ask 'do you think this could happen, or couldn't happen?' and it'll inspire discussion and closeness."

"Well, I guess it wouldn't be politic to say "My greatest hope for the movie is that I'll get a paycheck and take care of some of my staggering debt."''

"I couldn’t justify turning down that big paycheck for just a few weeks work twice a year... So, I kept whoring myself out to that cartoon donkey."
Buck Owens, on hosting Hee Haw for over 20 years

"I wrote 'Like a Surgeon' because I wanted to buy a house. It worked."
"Weird Al" Yankovic, I Love the 80's 3D

"I thought, 'Holy smokes, that's a lot of freakin' money!' Now I see why. Next time I'll hit 'em up for even more."
Ray Liotta on his role in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Electronic Gaming Monthly

Q: How did you feel directing a slasher film in a time when they were being churned out for a quick buck?
A: I needed the quick buck!
Retroslashers.net interview of David Hess, regarding To All a Goodnight

Interviewer: You're quoted as saying you've only made five good movies in your career. True?
Michael Madsen: Pretty much. It's certainly less than ten. Kill Bill, Species, Free Willy, Thelma & Louise, Reservoir Dogs and Donnie Brasco. Six, that's it. That's not a low number. I'm just hard to please. I've made some crap but you've got to pay the bills.

"Matter of fact, they shouldn't have had me in it. What they should've done was just have Paul McGann, and then if it got picked up, show how it happened... I'm glad I was in it. The money was good."
Sylvester McCoy on Doctor Who, The TV Movie, UK Gold's 40th anniversary of Doctor Who

"They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'."

"Let me tell you this about The View: I take a paycheck every other week. That's all I do. I could give a shit what comes. I do my job — I have a contract. That's where I stand. I don't give a fuck."
Whoopi Goldberg, Us Weekly

Q: Would you make Trolls! The Sitcom if a big network funded it?
A: Yes. There's a good chance it would be pretty bad though. But that's OK because $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"...I had a play I wanted to do and I had Inseminoid – but I also had two babies upstairs who were my responsibility and I had £2,000-worth of bills sitting in front of me and so that was the decision made."
Stephanie Beacham

"It doubled my yearly income in six days. My agent said it's morally indefensible to turn that down."
Douglas Hodge explaining to The Telegraph why he did a guest appearance on Spooks

"For 500,000 reasons, all of them with the Queen's head on".
Bob Hoskins on why he appeared in adverts for BT in the 1990s.

"It promised a year of free lunches".
Robert Mitchum when asked why, in his mid-60s, he took on the arduous task of an 18-hour mini-series, The Winds of War.

"Back to the Bank would have been more appropriate".
Michael J. Fox on the Back to the Future sequels.

''"The door opened and four guys came in carrying a check".
Eddie Murphy on why he agreed to be in Best Defense

"I did that film for all the wrong reasons. I never liked it. I did it to help out a friend of mine, Hal Needham. And I also felt it was immoral to turn down that kind of money. I suppose I sold out so I couldn't really object to what people wrote about me."