Nathan: So how did you end up in Community Service?
Kelly: This girl called me a slag, yeah, so I slapped her.
Nathan: Ah. Was this on the Jeremy Kyle show?
Kelly: No, it was in Argos.
Mike: Don't be a wanker.
Nathan: Thanks for the fatherly advice. I feel all warm inside.
Curtis: No matter what I do, the ones I love, will always be the ones who pay.
Sam: Is that from Spiderman? You're dumping me with a line from Spiderman?!
Simon: And I thought, 'The cat didn't bully me at school', so....I put the fire out.
Simon: I pissed through the letterbox.
Nathan: Did you suddenly grow a set of balls or something?
Simon: I've always had balls, you've just never seen them!
Nathan: That is the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Nathan: We were so beautiful!
Nathan: For £20 extra, I'll let you tie me up, and hit my balls with a cactus.
Simon: Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts!
Vince: Put your nuts on the floor.
Simon: Want some? Dry-roasted.
Rudy: You fuck with me, I'll fuck you straight back with a cherry on top!
Alisha: I'm going to see what she's doing!
Rudy: Oh right, we'll just untie our hands and remove the nooses from around our necks.
Alisha: No, it's my power, I can put myself in other people's shoes.
Rudy: Do you have to be wearing their shoes to do that?
Kelly: I ain't got a problem with you, apart from you being a flesh-eating zombie.
Jess: Will you please shut the fuck up, and let me piss myself?!
Rudy: If you want to get psychological, I'd guess Freud would say I wanted to fuck my mum. And I'd say, 'Freud, are you serious, have you seen me mum lately? Maybe Auntie Barbara'.
Rudy Too: Auntie Barbara's dead.
Rudy: Well, I guess that means she's off the menu.
Finn: We forgot the remote for the T.V!
Jess: And for a guy, that's like losing a testicle?
Finn: It's like losing three testicles!
Curtis: Step-Mother sucker....sweet.
Rudy Three: I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. And I'm talking about secrets here, not genitals.
Rudy: Are you sure we can't manufacture some kind of a happy ending?
Curtis: There are no happy endings. It's zombie noir, innit?