Quotes / Milon's Secret Castle

Let's just assume for a second this wasn't a game. Say you're at the airport, and a guard won't let you on the elevator.
Guard: "You're too fat to ride, kid."
You: "Are you serious? I only weigh like 80 pounds."
Guard: "Look. If you want to get your sumo ass on THIS elevator, you need to run to the terminal 2 miles away, find a duck underneath an unmarked seat in an undisclosed gate, and pay him $35 for a feather. Now there are going to be a lot of little monsters trying to kill you, so try not to get eaten. You'll know the duck when you see him — he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and speaking broken English. After you've got the feather, come back here, and then I'll let you ride."
You: "Couldn't I just take the stairs? I only need to get two floors up."
Guard: "Psh! If you want to tire yourself, Captain Fitness. But if you're in a hurry, you better shut your pie hole and start looking for that duck."

"Milon's Secret Castle. More like MILON'S SHITTY ASSHOLE"

Announcer: Welcome to Milon's Secret Castle. We can't show you everything. But we can guide you with helpful hints and tips. Are you ready? Let's begin!
—The opening to Milon's Secret Castle tips and tricks from Game Player's Game Tapes VHS tape from Game Player's Magazine.

Announcer: Claiming this music box takes you to a bonus round. Catch the sharps and notes. You'll be paid for these. Avoid the flats; they take away from the amount you earn.
—From the Milon's Secret Castle tips and tricks review on Game Player's Game Tapes.

Announcer: It's best to use your joystick controller complete with the slow motion function.
—During the boss fight moment from Game Player's Game Tapes.