Quotes: Merchandise-Driven

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    Anime and Manga 

"I am selling this Gundam!"

    Film — Live-action 

Bartleby: Mooby the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff, a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989 to fill a gap in the Saturday morning schedule on local network K-REL. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991, and broadcast nationally as the The Mooby Fun-Time Hour, it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'. Did I miss anything?
Mr. Whitland: You forgot Mooby Magazine.
Dogma

    Magazines 

Ass: HYPNOSNOT, I CHOOSE YOU!
Crock: Why did you pick that particular Hokéycon to battle with?! Because it can absorb high damage?
Ass: Because the last quarterly report showed an 18% dip in Hypnosnot sales! Luckily, our viewers are sheep! A little TV exposure should boost earnings back up!

    Literature 

Daisy-head burgers and Daisy-head drinks,
Daisy-head stockings, and Daisy-head sinks,
Daisy head buttons and Daisy head bows,
Mayzie was famous,
The star of her shows.
Daisy Head Mayzie by Dr. Seuss

    Newspapers 

"The dialog of the Autobots®, Decepticons® and Otherbots® is meaningless word flap."

    Newspaper Comics 

Jason: Honestly, what do you think of my strip?
Peter: Well, it's not particularly funny... And it's not particularly well-drawn... In fact, it's probably the lamest thing I've ever seen.
Jason: But will it sell T-shirts?
Peter: My, but you do have pure motives...

    Podcasts 

Optimus Prime: The humans should not have to pay for our mistakes...
Mike: ...just our overpriced action figures!

Jay: That's interesting, Rich; you're saying that The Slime™ was a toy sold before this movie existed? I did not know that, and it completely explains the existence of this movie.
Rich: I think they started selling in '87 or '88. It came out when the cartoon started coming out.
Jay: When was Ecto Cooler® introduced?
Mike: BACK TO THE MOVIE...
Jay: Talkin' about Ecto-Cooler's more interesting than the movie at this point.
Mike: (glum) That's true.

    Professional Wrestling 

"If you don't get over like I said, you're fired. If you don't draw numbers, if you don't entertain, if you don't put asses in seats, if you don't put the coinage in the piggy bank, you're fired. No more games. No more "Kayfabe!" "It's a work!" "I've won 34 tag team belts!" Who gives a damn how many fake belts you won? If you don't draw money, you get fired around here. If you don't put asses in seats, you're gone."
Hulk Hogan, erm, "promoting" TNA (ReAction, 11.18.10)

    Web Animation 

"Buy all our playsets and toys!"
Cheat Commandos theme song

"Boy, isn't it a wonderful time to be into superhero films! It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favorite nancy-boys prancing about in leotards!

Unless you think that Sony's generosity ends with
Amazing Spider-Man 2, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without Amazing Spider-Man 2 if you don't want to: You can wake up in the morning and go from an Amazing Spider-Man 2 toothbrush to an Amazing Spider-Man 2 Happy Meal to Amazing Spider-Man 2 nitrogen asphyxiation chamber.

There's just one tiny, little stumbling block in the whole system, and that's that
Amazing Spider-Man 2 is absolute wank by most accounts, but I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly-speaking need all those schools, do they?"
Zero Punctuation on Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Game

    Web Original 

"Fandom is an exceedingly middle class practice, based as it is on a surplus of leisure time and the disposable income to fritter away on Dapol action figures, Target novelizations, trips to conventions, and other such commercial product. This fact is largely responsible for the maddening sociopathy of mainstream science fiction fandom — it's a self-selected group of reasonably affluent people focused on capitalist production. They are myopic by design."
Dr. Phil Sandifer on Doctor Who, "Paradise Towers"

"Eidos spent something like four million dollars marketing Soul Reaver. You'd think if it had enough faith in its product to spend $4,000,000 pimping it through magazine ads, television commercials, paid articles, action figures, and a crappy one-shot comic book, they could have redirected some of the cash going to pointless promotional swag nobody cared about and put it toward finishing the fucking game instead. But hell — maybe I don't understand business."
Pat R. on Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver

"You may have heard that this week sees the release of X-Men: Days of Future Past, which, as far as I can tell from the television advertisements, is largely about a school of mutants trained to use their innate super-abilities to eat bacon cheeseburgers."

David: What follows is basically the train graveyard sequence near the end of Midgar in Final Fantasy VII, as trains move at glacial speeds in a like five-minute sequence of nothing but dudes jumping over, and avoiding, couplings.
Chris: You say Final Fantasy, but there is no way that this entire sequence was not based off a platformer. They seriously went into this thinking “how can we make a movie that we can translate directly to the Super Nintendo?” And this was their solution.
David: You sound like a man who never beat Final Fantasy VII.
Chris: Son, I beat Emerald Weapon so don’t come in here with that.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Steel

"Battle of the Five Armies often feels like a video game, and not in a good way. Major characters posture and pose in front of one another, but there are always goons to be dispatched before the big 'boss' battle can take place. Theron squares off against the lead orc, only for the orc to summon in wave after wave of foot soldiers to fight Theron on a wide open ice pain. 'Finish him!' the head orc instructs his goons, having clearly played a little too much Mortal Kombat. Sadly, he never brazenly declares 'fatality!' in orc-ish."

"Mac and Me is the result of some Hollywood producer watching E.T. through a mist of cocaine dust and saying to himself, "Hey, what if E.T. ate Skittles instead of Reese's Pieces and we changed his name to McDonald's? McDonald's would give us money for that, right?" He then came up with the alien's design by sketching Yoda ears on an expired condom, and the rest is obscure cinematic history."

"'At this point, I’m pretty sure that they didn’t actually care about the film versions of Highlander but rather wanted to keep the brand going so they could sell merchandise. Highlander has a lot of fan paraphernalia, ranging from novel tie-ins to replica swords. The fact that there was ever a fifth Highlander movie suggests that the money was coming from somewhere, and it sure wasn’t from the films themselves."

"A 4 Hour Commercial, with some occasional Football in-between."

"It’s no coincidence that teams like the Bills and Browns have struggled over the past few decades as their cities have experienced grave economic misfortune. Neither team can attract top-tier coaching or GM talent, and they aren’t raking in Fuck You Money side deals from Pepsi...Cowboys, for all of their atrocious mismanagement, are blessed with certain advantages that Detroit cannot ever have."
Drew Magary, "How to Give a Ball-Bursting Football Speech"

"Baseball and padded rugby both have frequent breaks justifying the cramming in of more and more advertisements, whereas soccer really doesn’t. Each half is constant action for 45 straight minutes and there’s no place to put in 300 sexist ads about how berating women and buying beer will get your dick sucked by supermodels. Hence why the corporations and the sports networks hate it."
Cerberus on the 2014 World Cup

"To understand Transformers fiction, it is important to understand that it exists to sell toys. Hasbro and Takara Tomy are toy companies, and they are primarily interested in continuing to sell toys to children and, yes, even "adults". The cartoons, comic books, etc., mostly exist to make this happen. To be sure, they normally make a profit in their own right, but this is regarded as mere gravy.
The "to sell toys" effect often distorts the fiction in interesting ways. Primarily, since you can't usually sell someone the same toy twice, HasTak constantly introduces new toys, and often requires the creators of the fiction to introduce the new characters into ongoing storylines. Older characters (whose toys are no longer being sold) are shoved aside to make room."

"From start to finish, the show demonstrated absolutely no reason to exist other than to push products. The paper-thin plot exists for one reason: to put the girls in as many situations - and as many outfits - as possible. All those situations and outfits exist for one reason: to showcase all of the totally awesome toys the target audience can immediately go out and purchase."
Colin Jacobson, review of Bratz: Starrin' and Stylin'

    Web Video 

"Lucas cracks out an armored case with his name on it. He opens it to reveal a padded, velved-lined interior on top of which rests...the ultimate gaming peripheral. The Excalibur of controllers. The mightiest weapon in any gamer's arsenal. The Power Glove. That's right, the Power Glove is not meant to be exposed to the elements. It must kept sealed away, lest untrained hands damage it or mishandle it. The devastation could be immense! It must be kept under lock and key at all times... The man wields the fucking Power Glove. Betta reccanize."

The Nerd: We know what the real "message" is:
Both: BUY OUR FUCKING PRODUCTS!

"In ten years, there's been 25,000 products based on the franchise, including... pez dispensers, a... blender, a shopping cart and... buckets?"

    Western Animation 

NEW TOY NOT STOP HULK!!
Hulk regarding Iron Man's new armor: Iron Man, "Hulk Busters"

"My clam has won! And you can too if you go to the store and buy our toys! Buy our toys! BUY OUR TOYS!"
Clam League 9000, Johnny Bravo

Freakazoid: How toyetic can you get?!
The Narrator: 'Toyetic' is a word created by marketing people. It means 'an object or device, featured in a cartoon, that could easily become a mass-produced toy.'

    Real Life 

"You know what I did this morning? I played the voice of a toy. Some terrible robot toys from Japan that changed from one thing to another. The Japanese have funded a full-length animated cartoon about the doings of these toys, which is all bad outer-space stuff. I play a planet. I menace somebody called Something-or-other. Then I'm destroyed. My plan to destroy Whoever-it-is is thwarted and I tear myself apart on the screen."

"All strips are supposed to be entertaining, but some strips have a point of view and a serious purpose behind the jokes. When the cartoonist is trying to talk honestly and seriously about life, then I believe he has a responsibility to think beyond satisfying the market’s every whim and desire. Cartoonists who think they can be taken seriously as artists while using the strip’s protagonists to sell boxer shorts are deluding themselves."
Bill Watterson on his licensing battle with Calvin and Hobbes

"We have no obligation to make history. We have no obligation to make art. We have no obligation to make a statement. To make money is our only objective."
Michael Eisner, former CEO of Disney

"I've been ordering to Yoji [Shinkawa] to make the character more erotic, and he did it well. Recently I've been making characters this way. The initial target is to make u want to do cosplay or its figurine to sell well."
Hideo Kojima, discussing Metal Gear Solid V on his Twitter feed