Quotes: Merchandise-Driven

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Daisy-head burgers and Daisy-head drinks,
Daisy-head stockings, and Daisy-head sinks,
Daisy head buttons and Daisy head bows,
Mayzie was famous,
The star of her shows.
Daisy Head Mayzie by Dr. Seuss

"Buy all our playsets and toys!"
Cheat Commandos theme song

Hulk regarding Iron Man's new armor: Iron Man, "Hulk Busters"

I am selling this Gundam!

Bartleby: Mooby the Golden Calf. Created by Nancy Goidruff, a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989 to fill a gap in the Saturday morning schedule on local network K-REL. Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1981, and broadcast nationally as the The Mooby Fun-Time Hour, it picked up a large following of children, ages three to eight, and spawns sixteen records, two theatrical films, eight prime-time specials, a library of priced-to-own video cassettes, and bicoastal theme parks dubbed 'MoobyWorld'. Did I miss anything?
Mr. Whitland: You forgot Mooby Magazine.

Jason: Honestly, what do you think of my strip?
Peter: Well, it's not particularly funny... And it's not particularly well-drawn... In fact, it's probably the lamest thing I've ever seen.
Jason: But will it sell T-shirts?
Peter: My, but you do have pure motives...

Crock: Why did you pick that particular Hokéycon to battle with?! Because it can absorb high damage?
Ass: Because the last quarterly report showed an 18% dip in Hypnosnot sales! Luckily, our viewers are sheep! A little TV exposure should boost earnings back up!

My clam has won! And you can too if you go to the store and buy our toys! Buy our toys! BUY OUR TOYS!
Clam League 9000, Johnny Bravo

After the 'Freakmobile' is unveiled...
Freakazoid: How toyetic can you get?!
The Narrator: 'Toyetic' is a word created by marketing people. It means 'an object or device, featured in a cartoon, that could easily become a mass-produced toy.'

All strips are supposed to be entertaining, but some strips have a point of view and a serious purpose behind the jokes. When the cartoonist is trying to talk honestly and seriously about life, then I believe he has a responsibility to think beyond satisfying the market’s every whim and desire. Cartoonists who think they can be taken seriously as artists while using the strip’s protagonists to sell boxer shorts are deluding themselves.
Bill Watterson on his licensing battle with Calvin and Hobbes

I've been ordering to Yoji [Shinkawa] to make the character more erotic, and he did it well. Recently I've been making characters this way. The initial target is to make u want to do cosplay or its figurine to sell well.
Hideo Kojima, discussing Metal Gear Solid V on his Twitter feed

You know what I did this morning? I played the voice of a toy. Some terrible robot toys from Japan that changed from one thing to another. The Japanese have funded a full-length animated cartoon about the doings of these toys, which is all bad outer-space stuff. I play a planet. I menace somebody called Something-or-other. Then I'm destroyed. My plan to destroy Whoever-it-is is thwarted and I tear myself apart on the screen.

Eidos spent something like four million dollars marketing Soul Reaver. You'd think if it had enough faith in its product to spend $4,000,000 pimping it through magazine ads, television commercials, paid articles, action figures, and a crappy one-shot comic book, they could have redirected some of the cash going to pointless promotional swag nobody cared about and put it toward finishing the fucking game instead. But hell — maybe I don't understand business.
Pat R. on Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
The dialog of the Autobots®, Decepticons® and Otherbots® is meaningless word flap.

Optimus Prime: The humans should not have to pay for our mistakes...
Mike: ...just our overpriced action figures!

In ten years, there's been 25,000 products based on the franchise, including... pez dispensers, a... blender, a shopping cart and... buckets?

Tat Wood, in About Time, notes that it is the first story in some time to have no references to previous stories. This is a telling detail that explains at least part of why the story is unloved. The fact of the matter is that Doctor Who has, for several years now, been catering primarily to an audience of fans. Fandom is an exceedingly middle class practice, based as it is on a surplus of leisure time and the disposable income to fritter away on Dapol action figures, Target novelizations, trips to conventions, and other such commercial product. This fact is largely responsible for the maddening sociopathy of mainstream science fiction fandom — it's a self-selected group of reasonably affluent people focused on capitalist production. They are myopic by design.
Phil Sandifer on Doctor Who, "Paradise Towers"

You may have heard that this week sees the release of X-Men: Days of Future Past, which, as far as I can tell from the television advertisements, is largely about a school of mutants trained to use their innate super-abilities to eat bacon cheeseburgers.

Boy, isn't it a wonderful time to be into superhero films! It's hard not to feel spoiled when the film studios take enough money to solve all of the developing world's problems and pour it all into a portrayal of your favorite nancy-boys prancing about in leotards! Unless you think that Sony's generosity ends with Amazing Spider-Man 2, you don't have to go five fucking minutes without Amazing Spider-Man 2 if you don't want to: You can wake up n the morning and go from an Amazing Spider-Man 2 toothbrush to an Amazing Spider-Man 2 Happy Meal to Amazing Spider-Man 2 nitrogen asphyxiation chamber. There's just one tiny, little stumbling block in the whole system, and that's that Amazing Spider-Man 2 is absolute wank by most accounts, but I'm sure that problem will go away if they keep throwing money at it. Ethiopia doesn't strictly-speaking need all those schools, do they?
Zero Punctuation on Amazing Spider-Man 2: The Game

David: What follows is basically the train graveyard sequence near the end of Midgar in Final Fantasy VII, as trains move at glacial speeds in a like five-minute sequence of nothing but dudes jumping over, and avoiding, couplings.
Chris: You say Final Fantasy, but there is no way that this entire sequence was not based off a platformer. They seriously went into this thinking “how can we make a movie that we can translate directly to the Super Nintendo?” And this was their solution.
David: You sound like a man who never beat Final Fantasy VII.
Chris: Son, I beat Emerald Weapon so don’t come in here with that.
—Chris Sims and 'David Uzumeri on Steel

Battle of the Five Armies often feels like a video game, and not in a good way. Major characters posture and pose in front of one another, but there are always goons to be dispatched before the big 'boss' battle can take place. Theron squares off against the lead orc, only for the orc to summon in wave after wave of foot soldiers to fight Theron on a wide open ice pain. 'Finish him!' the head orc instructs his goons, having clearly played a little too much Mortal Kombat. Sadly, he never brazenly declares 'fatality!' in orc-ish...Saruman explains that Galadriel used a lot of 'her power' in an epic finishing move, as if her health bar is depleted. At one point, Legolas springs across falling blocks like the protagonist in a Super Mario game.

Jay: That's interesting, Rich; you're saying that The Slime™ was a toy sold before this movie existed? I did not know that, and it completely explains the existence of this movie.
Rich: I think they started selling in '87 or '88. It came out when the cartoon started coming out.
Jay: When was Ecto Cooler® introduced?
Jay: Talkin' about Ecto-Cooler's more interesting than the movie at this point.
Mike: (glum) That's true.

Mac and Me is the result of some Hollywood producer watching E.T. through a mist of cocaine dust and saying to himself, "Hey, what if E.T. ate Skittles instead of Reese's Pieces and we changed his name to McDonald's? McDonald's would give us money for that, right?" He then came up with the alien's design by sketching Yoda ears on an expired condom, and the rest is obscure cinematic history.

Highlander: Endgame tanked the franchise. It bombed just like Highlander II and Highlander III did, but there was no television show going on to keep the brand fresh and popular. Even diehard fans started to give up on the franchise, and after four box office failures, folks finally caught on that the franchise was never going to succeed in theatres. (Of the movies, only the original can be considered a success, and even it lost money at the box office – it was home video and international sales that kept the franchise going.) Despite that, Davis-Panzer Productions would not let the thing die. At this point, I’m pretty sure that they didn’t actually care about the film versions of Highlander but rather wanted to keep the brand going so they could sell merchandise. Highlander has a lot of fan paraphernalia, ranging from novel tie-ins to replica swords. The fact that there was ever a fifth Highlander movie suggests that the money was coming from somewhere, and it sure wasn’t from the films themselves.

A 4 Hour Commercial, with some occasional Football in-between.

Mike Tirico was droning on and on about the league’s precious sense of community during the Panthers game.


This is all crap. These owners didn’t become billionaires by SHARING. They all want to beat the piss out of one another, and they’ll do virtually anything to get an advantage, both economically and on the field (By the way, I used to be all right with Tirico, but he’s become such an ardent shill for the NFL that it’s hard to take him seriously anymore). There will always be teams that naturally draw higher ratings, or teams situated in more favorable geographic areas, or teams that attract more attention simply due to their historic record of success and/or general popularity. And Roger Goodell has his own club of darling teams: the Giants and Steelers and Packers, etc. He loves any team that makes the NFL help sell its horseshit.

It’s no coincidence that teams like the Bills and Browns have struggled over the past few decades as their cities have experienced grave economic misfortune. Neither team can attract top-tier coaching or GM talent, and they aren’t raking in Fuck You Money side deals from Pepsi...Cowboys, for all of their atrocious mismanagement, are blessed with certain advantages that Detroit cannot ever have.
Drew Magary, "How to Give a Ball-Bursting Football Speech"

I mean, no disrespect to baseball, but it’s not exactly a sport based around a consistent high-tempo pace of thrills. It’s a cerebral slow game, battles between pitchers and batters with tiny punctuated moments that often are quickly snuffed out. And the NFL is largely the same way. A lot of waiting and commercials and waiting and commercials for a few brief… oh, hey, yet another short run or incomplete pass, yeah, I honestly don’t know why anyone claims this sport is exciting for reasons other than toxic masculinity and inertia.
And it’s that commercials problem that is the rub. Baseball and padded rugby both have frequent breaks justifying the cramming in of more and more advertisements, whereas soccer really doesn’t. Each half is constant action for 45 straight minutes and there’s no place to put in 300 sexist ads about how berating women and buying beer will get your dick sucked by supermodels. Hence why the corporations and the sports networks hate it.
Sadly, No! on the 2014 World Cup

To understand Transformers fiction, it is important to understand that it exists to sell toys. Hasbro and Takara Tomy are toy companies, and they are primarily interested in continuing to sell toys to children and, yes, even "adults". The cartoons, comic books, etc., mostly exist to make this happen. To be sure, they normally make a profit in their own right, but this is regarded as mere gravy.
The "to sell toys" effect often distorts the fiction in interesting ways. Primarily, since you can't usually sell someone the same toy twice, HasTak constantly introduces new toys, and often requires the creators of the fiction to introduce the new characters into ongoing storylines. Older characters (whose toys are no longer being sold) are shoved aside to make room.

The Nerd: We know what the real message is...