"Did you know Albert Einstein argued with his wife? Smartest man in the world and even he didn't get women."
—Dr. Manhattan's scientist friend in Watchmen
Mat: Women are like mules. Wait. No. Goats. Women are like goats.
Talmanes: Pure poetry, Mat.
Mat: It's like . . . Well, reasoning with a woman is like sitting down to a friendly game of dice. Only the woman refuses to acknowledge the basic bloody rules of the game. A man, he'll cheat you - but he'll do it honestly. He'll use loaded dice, so that you think you're losing by chance. And if you aren't clever enough to spot what he's doing, then maybe he deserves to take your coin. And that's that. A woman, though, she'll sit down to that same game and she'll smile, and act like she's going to play. Only when it's her turn to throw, she'll toss a pair of her own dice that are blank on all six sides. Not a single pip showing. She'll inspect the throw, then she'll look up at you and say, 'clearly I just won.' Now, you'll scratch your head and look at the dice. Then you'll look up at her, then down at the dice again 'But there aren't any pips on these dice' you'll say. 'Yes there are,' she'll say. 'And both dice rolled a one.' 'That's exactly the number you need to win,' you'll say. 'What a coincidence,' she'll reply, then begin to scoop up your coins. And you'll sit there, trying to wrap your head 'bout what just happened. And you'll realise something. A pair of ones isn't the winning throw! Not when you threw a six on your turn. That means she needed a pair of twos instead! Excitedly you'll explain what you've discovered. Only then do you know what she'll do?
Talmanes: No idea, Mat.
Mat: Then she'll reach over and rub the blank faces of her dice. And then, with a perfectly straight face, she'll say, 'I'm sorry. There was a spot of dirt on the dice. Clearly you'll see they actually came up as twos!' And she'll believe it. She'll bloody believe it!
Talmanes:: Incredible.
Mat: Only that's not the end of it!
Talmanes: I had presumed it wouldn't be, Mat.
Mat: She scoops up all of your coins. And then every other woman in the room will come over and congratulate her on throwing that pair of twos! The more you complain, the more those bloody women will join in the argument. You'll be outnumbered in a moment, and each of those women will explain to you how those dice clearly read twos, and how you really need to stop behaving like a child. Every single flaming one of them will see the twos! even the prudish woman who has hated your woman from birth - since your woman's granny stole the other woman's granny's honeycake recipe when they were both maids - that woman will side against you.
Talmanes: They're nefarious creatures indeed.
Mat: By the time they're done, you'll be left with no coin, several lists worth of errands to run and what clothing to wear and a splitting headache. You'll sit there and stare at the table and begin to wonder, just maybe, if those dice didn't read twos after all. If only to preserve what's left of your sanity. That's what it's like to reason with a woman, I tell you.
Talmanes: And you did so. At length.
Mat: You aren't making sport of me, are you?
Talmanes: Why, Mat! You know I'd never do such a thing.
Talmanes: Pure poetry, Mat.
Mat: It's like . . . Well, reasoning with a woman is like sitting down to a friendly game of dice. Only the woman refuses to acknowledge the basic bloody rules of the game. A man, he'll cheat you - but he'll do it honestly. He'll use loaded dice, so that you think you're losing by chance. And if you aren't clever enough to spot what he's doing, then maybe he deserves to take your coin. And that's that. A woman, though, she'll sit down to that same game and she'll smile, and act like she's going to play. Only when it's her turn to throw, she'll toss a pair of her own dice that are blank on all six sides. Not a single pip showing. She'll inspect the throw, then she'll look up at you and say, 'clearly I just won.' Now, you'll scratch your head and look at the dice. Then you'll look up at her, then down at the dice again 'But there aren't any pips on these dice' you'll say. 'Yes there are,' she'll say. 'And both dice rolled a one.' 'That's exactly the number you need to win,' you'll say. 'What a coincidence,' she'll reply, then begin to scoop up your coins. And you'll sit there, trying to wrap your head 'bout what just happened. And you'll realise something. A pair of ones isn't the winning throw! Not when you threw a six on your turn. That means she needed a pair of twos instead! Excitedly you'll explain what you've discovered. Only then do you know what she'll do?
Talmanes: No idea, Mat.
Mat: Then she'll reach over and rub the blank faces of her dice. And then, with a perfectly straight face, she'll say, 'I'm sorry. There was a spot of dirt on the dice. Clearly you'll see they actually came up as twos!' And she'll believe it. She'll bloody believe it!
Talmanes:: Incredible.
Mat: Only that's not the end of it!
Talmanes: I had presumed it wouldn't be, Mat.
Mat: She scoops up all of your coins. And then every other woman in the room will come over and congratulate her on throwing that pair of twos! The more you complain, the more those bloody women will join in the argument. You'll be outnumbered in a moment, and each of those women will explain to you how those dice clearly read twos, and how you really need to stop behaving like a child. Every single flaming one of them will see the twos! even the prudish woman who has hated your woman from birth - since your woman's granny stole the other woman's granny's honeycake recipe when they were both maids - that woman will side against you.
Talmanes: They're nefarious creatures indeed.
Mat: By the time they're done, you'll be left with no coin, several lists worth of errands to run and what clothing to wear and a splitting headache. You'll sit there and stare at the table and begin to wonder, just maybe, if those dice didn't read twos after all. If only to preserve what's left of your sanity. That's what it's like to reason with a woman, I tell you.
Talmanes: And you did so. At length.
Mat: You aren't making sport of me, are you?
Talmanes: Why, Mat! You know I'd never do such a thing.
Chester: Dude, boys like comics, girls like dolls. Boys like video games, girls like makeup. We're different! That's why we have different bathrooms!
Veronica: (walks out of a stall) Um... Am I in the wrong room?
Chester: AAHHH! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!!!
—The Fairly OddParents!, "The Boy Who Would Be Queen"
Homer: Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because...
Marge: We had a fight?
Homer: Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus...
Marge: And you're from Mars.
Homer: Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters.
—The Simpsons, "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer"
'A man from Mars with a woman from Venus?' she thought, 'That never works!'
God created men to test the souls of women.
Men don’t know what women want and that makes men unhappy.
Women know exactly what men want and that makes women unhappy.
I give you the human condition.
Women know exactly what men want and that makes women unhappy.
I give you the human condition.
