"I used to party with Jesus back in the day. He was pretty awesome. Me, him, and Thor had some wild times.
Sadly he OD'd on some bad smack Judas sold him. "
"The thing I hate in porn is when the chick says "fuck me" every 30 seconds or so, almost as if without constant direction the guy will get confused, wander off, and get caught in the goddamn blinds."
"Sure, I'd take part in a lesbian orgy. Granted, me being a man and all, I don't think my presence or participation would be appreciated, but I could bring cheeze-its and soda. Orgies do need good refreshments."
"Life is just an endless cycle of someone-else's-daughter plowing."
"So far, I'm 0/4 - I'm the friggin Lions of asking chicks out and getting a date."
" Watching a police chase is like watching a Lions game - you root for vehicle to get away, but deep down, you know it won't. Like rooting for the Lions, you know they ain't gonna win."
"If the tits in question can inflict blunt force trauma, they are too big."
"Judge, I blacked out, and passed out halfway through. What she did with my erect penis is not my fault." - possible defense when accused of taking advantage of a drunk chick, and why you always should be equally as drunk, or drunker, than her.
"MY WIFE BIRTHED A CTHULHU!"
"And I was taking the joke and running with it like a shoplifter. "
"A hangover is nature's way of saying "you kicked ass last night"
"God likes big butts and he cannot lie; all you other deities can't deny!"
"After all, what is a fight? Fucking the vagina that is the other person's face with the penis that is your fist."
"Way I see it, the feeling of love is like the legal definition of pornography - hard to concrete define the feeling, but I'll know it when I see it."
"You know, I honestly don't really care if a chick has a jungle down there. That'd make finding her vagina like an Indiana Jones-style adventure, searching through foliage, dodging poison darts and running from giant rocks. All while I'd be wearing a fedora. And probably humming the Indiana Jones theme."
"My penis is like Rambo - he just runs solo through the jungles of vagina, shirtless, with a machine gun."