"There comes a time in a boy's life when a realization about his life gives him a goal for the future. Mine came when I realized that I had seen more old guy dick than a nursing home's urinal, and I wasn't even 13. It was that day that I made 2 vows, one of which being that I never wanted to see another one for about 50 years or so."- Malph summing up why he stopped going to the public pool
Malph's Brother: "You're fucking 20! You ARE an adult!"
Malph: "... I need a different adult!"
You don't want to know
"I swear I'm not stoned. I'm just very convincing."- Malph, explaining his normal behavior to various people.
"That noise you just heard was Steve Jobs having a massive orgasm after having the iPhone compared to a $2,600,000 car." - Malph after comparing the iPhone to the Bugatti Veyron as a way to show how cheap his phone is.
"I need a break. I just spent the last 4 hours explaining how St. Thomas Aquinus bent logic over his desk and violently fucked it." - Malph, on term papers.
Malph: "Dr. Pepper. It has a doctorate... in flavor!"
Deathonabun: "But Dr. Pepper isn't a colaaaaaa. You guys are fucking with the integrity of the threaaaad."
Malph: "But... it's a doctor."
Deathonabun: "A Flavorologist is not a recognized medical professional, I'm sorry to say."
Malph: "You're right. Silly me, it has a Ph.D in flavor and a Master's in Classical Literature."
Malph and Deathonabun discuss Dr. Pepper's credentials.
"Great, now I'm starting to sound like a connoisseur of prison rape."
Malph, after explaining that there are subtle differences in the meaning of "Shower Buddy" depending on the gender of the individuals.
Malph: "So we're jaywalking now?"
Malph's Brother: "If we were jaywalking, why is there a ramp on the curb?"
Brother: "... Shut up."
Malph, on weirdly-placed curb ramps
Malph's Brother: "Haha, the little bitch fell."
Malph: "Did you just call the little girl with the speech impediment a bitch?"
Malph and his brother riffing on Pauly.
Malph: "Oh, the old bitch died."
Malph's Bro: "Did you just call the old woman with glaucoma a bitch?"
Malph's Bro: "You asshole!"
Malph: "Hey, you called the Pepsi Girl a bitch."
Bro: "But she didn't die, you cynical prick."
Same as above, just later.
"When the machines are sentient, they’ll be considered a race."
Malph, on whether or not Cyborg is half-black, half-machine.
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is... not stealing cable from me."
"It was like a party where the clown just announced he has syphilis. Quiet and awkward."
"It doesn't matter how old they are, you don't fuck them."
Malph, on people who want to fuck the characters on My Little Pony