Quotes / Lifetime Movie of the Week

Mary Jo Pehl: I saw this same scene in a Lifetime movie about a woman trying to escape an abusive relationship.
Bill Corbet: Which movie was that?
Mary Jo Pehl: All of them, actually.

— RiffTrax: The X-Files: Fight the Future

"They call Lifetime 'Television for Women', but you notice how every time you watch that channel, there's a woman getting beat up?"

— Larry the Cable Guy

Roger: Oh, my God, look what's on Lifetime! Daphne Zuniga in Spooning with Anger.
Steve: So?
Roger: So?! That's our favorite spousal abuse movie of all time. We gave it even higher marks than Valerie Bertinelli's classic, Please, Kevin. Not in the Face.
TV: "I'm sorry dinner was late! I love you so much!"
Roger: Why do they stay, Steve? Why do they stay?^note Later in the episode, Roger finds out why they stay, first hand

— American Dad!, A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial

Announcer: This Tuesday on Lifetime: Valerie Bertinelli stars in a Lifetime Original Movie.
Valerie: Y'know, Doctor, you said you were going to cure my cancer, but all you did was rape me! I'm starting to think I don't have cancer at all.
Doctor: Well, you're right. About the rape part. But I'm sorry, you still do have cancer.
Valerie: [bursts into tears]
Announcer: Valerie Bertinelli in: Men Are Terrible And Will Hurt You Because This Is Lifetime.

— Family Guy, Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

"Lifetime is a cable channel that caters to middle-aged moms. And by caters to them, I mean panders to them. Lifetime has some original shows; Unreal, Preachers' Daughters, Dance Moms, Little Women: LA, The Client List, Devious Maids...people watch this shit? But if you want to see the good stuff, you gotta check out the Lifetime Original Movies. Lifetime airs many movies targeted to women. My mom was watching one of these once, and that's how I got introduced to the whole thing. I walked in, and I was like "Mom, what is this crap?", and she said "Stop hating everything, you nitpicking, faggot-lipped, adopted piece of shit." But enough about that."

— Ralph Sepe, on his review of some of their movies

Boyfriend: “He did it.”
(He points at someone who is, in fact, the bad guy. She's shocked.)
Girlfriend: “But he hasn’t even said anything yet; how did you know?”
Boyfriend: “This is a Lifetime movie, and he has a penis.”

This post from Not Always Romantic

"It looks like the casting people just waltzed into an Applebee’s and randomly picked people to play the parts as fast as they could so they could get on with their 3 martini lunch. “You’re white. You can play Billy!” I look more like Jane Mancini than the actress playing Jane Mancini does. But you know, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a Lifetime movie. I want community theater wigs, acting that makes Megan Fox look like Tilda Swinton and actors who look absolutely nothing like the person they’re playing. I want that shit to be a wreck from top to bottom. And judging by that picture, it looks like the Melrose Place movie is well on its way."

—Michael K., "The cast looked exactly like the original cast and by that I mean not at all."

Hey sexy stranger
Let’s go to my place
And please don’t harvest my kidney
Don’t give me that incredulous face
I saw a movie like that on Lifetime

—Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, "Sex With A Stranger"

I am not letting you abandon me here again! Those bitches on Lifetime might put up with it, but not me!

—Bulma, Dragon Ball Z Abridged

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