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Quotes: Lethal Chef
"We'll have to blast 'em out. They heard we feed our prisoners C rations."
Bill Mauldin's Willie and Joe, commenting on a German bunker that has refused to surrender

Lister: Rimmer, proper dumplings, when they are properly cooked to perfection, Rimmer, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite superb.
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... He'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?
Rimmer: Well you liked it! You bought some back.
Lister: Yeah... I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!

Helmut Spargle: "Your meal is... acceptable."
Bender: "Then why did you only take one bite?"
Helmut: "Because my stomach is about to explode."
Futurama, showing how literally Bender takes this trope.

<scytale> man, i suck at cooking
<scytale> was cooking something, piece of food fell on the floor
<scytale> dog ate it up, then threw up

Hank: How do you blow up a salad?
Oscar: Happens more than you think.

1. Peel onion and potatoes, cutting them into appropriately-sized pieces.
2. Pour some oil into a pot and saute the onions.
3. When the onions become translucent, add the cut beef and potatoes and saute.
4. After stirring to a good amount, add water, sugar, soy sauce, and salt. Let the mixture simmer.
5. When the sauce's color changes a bit, add 45cc of sulfuric acid.
6. After a bit of simmering, shut off the heat, and add the chloroacetic acid and potassium nitrate. Mix well, and turn on the heat again to simmer.
7. Turn off the heat, contact a professional to process the remaining liquid in the pot, and it's done. Remember not to dirty the kitchen, as this is a rule that any chef must obey. With this meat and potato stew, that special person's tongue will definitely, definitely become addicted! You can't go wrong!
—Excerpt from one of Mizuki Himeji's recipes, Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu

"Asuka's cooking isn't just bad, it's almost supernatural. When she steps into a kitchen, strange things start to happen. It's like she turns off the Earth's magnetic field."
Yuuki, Es Otherwise on his sister

Luke: P-Professor! There's smoke coming off this tea!
Layton: We may have created something that was never meant to be.
Luke: I'm no coward, but even I'm not brave enough to drink that stuff.
Layton: Well then, our next course of action is obvious. Let's seal up this recipe and never make it again.
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, if you screw up on the tea minigame

Sera: Hurry! Put it in your mouth before the bowl melts!

Invidia: Terrible, isn't it? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most revolting and one being almost edible, I believe that rating this recipe would require the use of exponents.
Isana: I suppose food does not absolutely need to taste good in order to keep one alive.
Invidia: But to keep one from committing suicide, it does need to taste better than this.
First Lord's Fury, on the Vord Queen's cooking.

King Dedede: (tasting samples of Kawasaki's food) Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!
Escargoon: I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!
King Dedede: There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't "food"!
Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, "The Big Taste Test"

I didn't know you could burn juice.
Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, on Sweetie Belle's attempt at making breakfast.

Yosuke: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? I mean, what kinda—*cough cough* Curry's supposed to be like "really spicy" or "kinda mild"… This just stinks! And it's gritty too! It's somehow both gritty and slimy… And it's got squishy parts in it... It's so frickin' nasty I can't swallow it!
Chie: Well it just didn't mix too well... but it does offer a wide variety of textures...
Yosuke: It's nauseating!!
Chie: Come on, it's not that bad! That's just your opinion! *looks at the protagonist along with Yukiko*
Yosuke: *to the protagonist* I'm telling you as a friend... Don't. Do it. I wouldn't even joke about trying that slop!
Narration: You're being looked at with expectations... (... after eating the food...) ... The second you put it in your mouth, you sense that something is wrong... You can tell after one bite that it isn't edible... There's no way you can swallow it...
*The protagonist gets knocked out cold.*
Chie: We're sorry.
Yukiko: Sorry...
Yosuke: *sigh* What're we gonna do? Our group's the only one without food. I mean, if was even slightly edible, that'd be one thing… But I'm not taking another bite of this Mystery Food X.

Me-me's hamburger-olive loaf is so bad, it should be in jail.
Penny, Penny from Heaven

Ranek: Can [the food replicator] be used to create bio-weapons?
Doctor: Not unless you count Mr Neelix's Bolian souflee.

There were plums and prunes and cherries,
There were citrons and raisins and cinnamon, too
There was nutmeg, cloves and berries
And a crust that was nailed on with glue
There were caraway seeds in abundance
Such that work up a fine stomach ache
That could kill a man twice after eating a slice
Of Miss Fogarty's Christmas cake.
Chorus, "Miss Fogarty's Christmas Cake", Irish Christmas Song

Molly once burned my egg. My boiled egg. I don't know how.

Carl, you don't cook, you burn. You burn eggs, you burn toast. You're the only man I know who burns jello.
Harriette Winslow, Family Matters, "Baker's Dozen"

Arthur, you’re aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we can’t both get food poisoning? There’s really not much point if you’re just going to poison us in two different ways.
Douglas Richardson, Cabin Pressure, "Abu Dhabi"

Ranma: Soup, Akane. How did you manage to burn soup? You'd better hope the EPA never finds out about you...
Akane: You could have at least tried it!
Ranma: Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were forming...
Akane: It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting wasn't that ominous...
Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the laws of reality!
The Nameless Sequel (Ranma ½ fanfic) by Mike Loader

Return to Lethal Chef, and take your burning cereal with you.

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