Quotes / Lethal Chef

    open/close all folders 

    Anime and Manga 

1. Peel onion and potatoes, cutting them into appropriately-sized pieces.
2. Pour some oil into a pot and saute the onions.
3. When the onions become translucent, add the cut beef and potatoes and saute.
4. After stirring to a good amount, add water, sugar, soy sauce, and salt. Let the mixture simmer.
5. When the sauce's color changes a bit, add 45cc of sulfuric acid.
6. After a bit of simmering, shut off the heat, and add the chloroacetic acid and potassium nitrate. Mix well, and turn on the heat again to simmer.
7. Turn off the heat, contact a professional to process the remaining liquid in the pot, and it's done. Remember not to dirty the kitchen, as this is a rule that any chef must obey. With this meat and potato stew, that special person's tongue will definitely, definitely become addicted! You can't go wrong!
— Excerpt from one of Mizuki Himeji's recipes, Baka and Test: Summon the Beasts

Asuka's cooking isn't just bad, it's almost supernatural. When she steps into a kitchen, strange things start to happen. It's like she turns off the Earth's magnetic field.
Yuuki on his sister, E's Otherwise

Hurry! Put it in your mouth before the bowl melts!

King Dedede: (tasting samples of Kawasaki's food) Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!
Escargoon: I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!
King Dedede: There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't "food!"
Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, "The Big Taste Test"

Sumika: What kind of food explodes when cooked, and who invented it?
Miyako: ...You did.

    Fan Works 

"Oh, and since you just woke up you must be hungry." She got up, heading for the pantry. "Why don't Ió"
Asuka's eyes widened, and she leapt after Misato. "No, that's okay! I'll make breakfast!"
"Aw, but I had this neat idea for an experiment! All I need is some horseradish and some curry andó"
"No, really, that's fine! I'm good here. Shinji made some rice balls before he left, so that'll be fine. Better than fine, great even! Shinji makes great stuff, right?" Her voice had a bit of a panicked edge to it.
"Oh, you're no fun," Misato pouted, sitting down. "Fine, fine, we'll have Shinji's boring-yet-tasty food. But you'll have to try mine eventually."
"Heh heh, sure, sure." Asuka's face turned a shade of green as she headed to the refrigerator to get the rice balls. She rolled her eyes and whispered a silent prayer to whatever deities might still exist that she be spared Misato's cooking for as long as possible.

Nanoha: Fate, the pudding is angry!
Fate: I told you not to let Arf cook!
Arf: It wasn't my fault, Tsuku was distracting me!
Tsukuyomi: The color of this dish is a bit off. Also, I believe that it is lethally poisonous to most forms of organic life, and probably will provoke allergic reactions in Thaxillian crystal birds.
Arf: You could have helped a bit, Tsuku!
Tsukuyomi: I did, I told you not to put in that much pepper.
Arf: Oooh, you are such a little... Fate, the whipped cream has grown teeth!

Ranma: Soup, Akane. How did you manage to burn soup? You'd better hope the EPA never finds out about you...
Akane: You could have at least tried it!
Ranma: Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were forming...
Akane: It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting wasn't that ominous...
Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the laws of reality!

Misato: Iíll cook you a huge welcome home meal!
Shinji: Oh... great. (thinking) Oh God in Heaven, not again, I canít go through that... food... again...

    Literature 

Invidia: Terrible, isn't it? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most revolting and one being almost edible, I believe that rating this recipe would require the use of exponents.
Isana: I suppose food does not absolutely need to taste good in order to keep one alive.
Invidia: But to keep one from committing suicide, it does need to taste better than this.
First Lord's Fury, on the Vord Queen's cooking

Molly once burned my egg. My boiled egg. I don't know how.
Harry Dresden, Small Favor

Me-me's hamburger-olive loaf is so bad, it should be in jail.
Penny, Penny from Heaven

    Live-Action TV 

Hank: How do you blow up a salad?
Oscar: Happens more than you think.

Carl, you don't cook, you burn. You burn eggs, you burn toast. You're the only man I know who burns jello.
Harriette Winslow, Family Matters, "Baker's Dozen"

Gordon Ramsay: What is that?
Jamie: It's a creamy chicken Kiev.
Ramsay: What in the fuck is that?! (picks something out of the dish)
Jamie: That... that... is a toothpick. Please don't... eat that.
Ramsay: Can you imagine if that hit someone's throat? I'm not even gonna taste it.

Lister: Rimmer, proper dumplings, when they are properly cooked to perfection, Rimmer, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite superb.
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... He'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop though.

Red Green: Water!
Eddie: Do you wanna take some cookies with you?
Noel: Oh yeah, thanks! Wouldn't want to go out there unarmed.

Ranek: Can [the food replicator] be used to create bio-weapons?
Doctor: Not unless you count Mr. Neelix's Bolian soufflé.

    Music 

Maloney was took with the colic,
O'Donald's a pain in his head,
McNaughton lay down on the sofa
And he swore that he wished he was dead
Miss Bailey went into hysterics
And there she did wriggle and shake
And everyone swore they were poisoned
From eating Miss Fogarty's cake.
— Final verse, "Miss Fogarty's Christmas Cake," an Irish Christmas Song

    Newspaper Comics 

We'll have to blast 'em out. They heard we feed our prisoners C rations.
Bill Mauldin's Willie and Joe, commenting on a German bunker that has refused to surrender

    Radio 

Arthur, youíre aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we canít both get food poisoning? Thereís really not much point if youíre just going to poison us in two different ways.
Douglas Richardson, Cabin Pressure, "Abu Dhabi"

    Video Games 

You better prepare yourself. Because this... this will be the most difficult quest yet. Supreme Kai of Time's cooking is... well, it's more destructive than any Shenron out there.
Future Trunks, Dragon Ball Xenoverse

Yosuke: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? I mean, what kinda— (cough cough) Curry's supposed to be like "really spicy" or "kinda mild"... This just stinks! And it's gritty too! It's somehow both gritty and slimyÖ And it's got squishy parts in it... It's so frickin' nasty I can't swallow it!
Chie: Well it just didn't mix too well... but it does offer a wide variety of textures...
Yosuke: It's nauseating!!
Chie: Come on, it's not that bad! That's just your opinion! (looks at the protagonist along with Yukiko)
Yosuke: (to the protagonist) I'm telling you as a friend... Don't. Do it. I wouldn't even joke about trying that slop!
Narration: You're being looked at with expectations... [...] The second you put it in your mouth, you sense that something is wrong... You can tell after one bite that it isn't edible... There's no way you can swallow it...
(the protagonist gets knocked out cold)
Chie: We're sorry.
Yukiko: Sorry...
Yosuke: (sigh) What're we gonna do? Our group's the only one without food. I mean, if was even slightly edible, that'd be one thing... But I'm not taking another bite of this Mystery Food X.

Luke: P-Professor! There's smoke coming off this tea!
Layton: We may have created something that was never meant to be.
Luke: I'm no coward, but even I'm not brave enough to drink that stuff.
Layton: Well then, our next course of action is obvious. Let's seal up this recipe and never make it again.
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, if you screw up on the tea minigame

actually, that spaghetti from earlier...it wasn't too bad for my brother. since he started cooking lessons, he's been improving a lot. i bet if he keeps it up, next year he'll even make something edible.
Sans, Undertale

    Web Original 

<scytale> man, i suck at cooking
<scytale> was cooking something, piece of food fell on the floor
<scytale> dog ate it up, then threw up

Guy's restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That's like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you'd find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls.
Michael K., "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Is A Gourmet Wonderland"

    Western Animation 

Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was ten percent less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I shouldn't have had seconds...

Helmut Spargle: Your meal is... acceptable.
Bender: Then why did you only take one bite?
Helmut: Because my stomach is about to explode.
Futurama, showing how literally Bender takes this trope.

I didn't know you could burn juice.

"He burnt my fries!"
"He burnt my Krabby Patty!"
"He burnt my shake!"
— Various extras, SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: But I thought you were the head chef on the SS Gourmet!
Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
Spongbob Squarepants, showing what happens when you use Exact Words.


Return to Lethal Chef, and take your burning cereal with you.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/LethalChef