Quotes: Know-Nothing Know-It-All

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    Live-action TV 

Martin: Do you have any medical training?
Gavin Dibbs: Oh, me? No, no, no no...But I read the trades, and you pick things up, don't you?
Martin: No.
Doc Martin, "Preserve the Romance"

Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Cliff Clavin, Cheers

Robert: I'll tell you what I've found to be the key to a great marriage...
Raymond: —Says the man who married a stripper, then divorced a stripper, then married a regular person, then hung in there for three whole months.

Mulder: He just wants some dating advice.
Scully: From whom?
Mulder: Yours truly. (silence) Hello? Scully? You there?
Scully: Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date?
Mulder: I will talk to you later. (hangs up)
The X-Files, "The Rain King"

    Stand-up Comedy 

You can't call yourself a 'think tank' if all your ideas are stupid.
Bill Maher on the Heritage Foundation

Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest.

What's Dubya doing now? He's a motivational speaker... It's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor.
Robin Williams, Weapons of Self-Destruction

There's a kind of notion that everyone's opinion is equally valid. My arse! A bloke who's been a professor of dentistry for 40 years doesn't have a debate with some idiot who removes his teeth with string and a door!
Dara Ó Briain, "Respectful Insolence"

    Video Games 

Too many people have opinions on things they know nothing about. And the more ignorant they are, the more opinions they have.
Thomas Hildern, Fallout: New Vegas

The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting.
Fact Sphere, Portal 2

    Web Original 

Tsoukalos graduated from Ithaca College in Ithaca, New York in 1998 with a degree in communication and sports information. That makes him uniquely qualified to speak on matters concerning the movie Jerry Maguire, but not so much regarding anything else.

Jeffrey Lyons is the most reliable movie critic in the world…if you do the opposite of everything he says. He is a man so impressively wrong that you would do well to stay as far away from his advice as you can.
Miles Antwiler on Miracle at St. Anna

You see, this shrieking TV woman began by saying that she is not a doctor or medical professional of any kind, which already had me skeptical about whatever she was going to shout next. But then she delivered her position on why parents shouldn’t vaccinate their children in a much louder voice than my doctor, and it put some serious doubts in my mind. Would someone less sure of herself be able to be quite so loud? It seems unlikely.

'Trump University' is proof that you can't make words explode, no matter how violently you combine opposites. Donald Trump can lose money in a casino when he owns it. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, he bankrupts or sues them, and the only thing he can teach people is that they shouldn't have given him their money, a lesson his educational dialysis facility taught well.

    Western Animation 

I don't need any serving suggestions, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"

I have approximate knowledge of many things.
—The Demon Cat, Adventure Time

    real Life 

You know it's time to sell when shoeshine boys give you stock tips. This bull market is over.
Joseph P. Kennedy (attributed)

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

To the left of the fireplace, a chiaroscuro Neapolitan painting by Viola. "Typical of early eighteenth-century South German painting," boomed the journalist Joe Alsop. As Joe was an expert on everything, he was generally wrong on everything, particularly on his subject, politics. For thirty years we were losing to Communism, according to Joe.
Gore Vidal, Palimpsest

Somebody's gotta stand up to experts.
Don McLeroy, former chairman of the Texas Board of Education

In saying I have 'no training' he has lied. I have a Cambridge degree in classical architecture.
Viscount Christopher Monckton, climatologist[?]