"The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very interesting."
— Fact Sphere, Portal 2
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions, you barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
— The Simpsons, "Lisa the Vegetarian"
Mulder: He just wants some dating advice.
Scully: From whom?
Mulder: Yours truly. (long silence) Hello? Scully? You there?
Scully: Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date?
Mulder: I will talk to you later. (hangs up)
—The X-Files, "The Rain King"
Jeremy Robard (motivational speaker): I'm between mansions, buster. From helping people. Do you know how good how it feels to be me? Do you have any idea? Any idea at all how great it feels to wake up and realize you're a rich and talented and important person and in a waterbed with mirrors on the ceiling and more girls than you can imagine? And every time I step outside the door, I can choose which car to drive—if I choose to drive! I have five chauffeurs!
Maurice Chavez (host): Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very small apartment overlooking the gas works. You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole.
—Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Pressing Issues
"Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance."
"Remember that your motives are not always as altruistic as they seem to yourself.
Don't over-estimate your own merits.
Don't expect others to take as much interest in you as you do yourself.
Don't imagine that most people give enough thought to you to have any special desire to persecute you.”
—Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness
"To the left of the fireplace, a chiaroscuro Neapolitan painting by Viola. 'Typical of early eighteenth-century South German painting,' boomed the journalist Joe Alsop. As Joe was an expert on everything, he was generally wrong on everything, particularly on his subject, politics. For thirty years we were losing to Communism, according to Joe."
—Gore Vidal, Palimpsest
"If knowledge is power, then the Internet is full of completely useless power."
— Brett Erlich, Viral Video Film School: The Internet's Dumbest How-To Videos
"You can't call yourself a 'think tank' if all your ideas are stupid."
—Bill Maher on the Heritage Foundation
"Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest.”
"He's got a bunch of fucking dancing bears parading around in the ring, a bunch of women with silicone, and a bunch of club-footed, slap-happy fucking guys that couldn't work their way out of a wet paper bag. And he don't know the fucking difference. And he's out there beating up Ric Flair with a baseball bat...He made this statement: 'Well, we'll just teach actors to wrestle, because if I can learn to work in the ring, anyone can!' There's a goddamn news bulletin I didn't hear about when I heard about World War II and all the other great happenings of the past fifty years!: When did Vince Russo learn to fucking work?"
"This whole subprime mortgage mess is just an excuse for the gunslingers and river boat gamblers on Wall Street to use their tricks to move markets and make money...You can panic if you enjoy being panicky. But this will all blow over and the people who buy now, in due time, will be glad they did."
—Ben Stein says that the economy is fine
"It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
—Rep. Todd Akin (MI) on pregnancies resulting from rape
"You see, this shrieking TV woman began by saying that she is not a doctor or medical professional of any kind, which already had me skeptical about whatever she was going to shout next. But then she delivered her position on why parents shouldn’t vaccinate their children in a much louder voice than my doctor, and it put some serious doubts in my mind. Would someone less sure of herself be able to be quite so loud? It seems unlikely."
"Having equal rights does not mean having equal talents, equal abilities, or equal knowledge. It assuredly does not mean that 'everyone’s opinion about anything is as good as anyone else’s.' And yet, this is now enshrined as the credo of a fair number of people despite being obvious nonsense... To take but one horrifying example, we live today in an advanced post-industrial country that is now fighting a resurgence of whooping cough — a scourge nearly eliminated a century ago — merely because otherwise intelligent people have been second-guessing their doctors and refusing to vaccinate their kids after reading stuff written by people who know exactly zip about medicine. (Yes, I mean people like Jenny McCarthy.)"
The Federalist, "The Death of Expertise"
"Sherri confirmed to Deadline that The View has lost its resident science expert. A source (aka Sherri) tells UsWeekly that the producers were trying to get Sherri to stay, but they couldn’t come to an agreement about money. Yeah, Sherri probably wanted 1 trillion dollars and ABC wanted to pay her a half-penny a day since that’s what her thoughts are worth.
Jenny hasn’t shat up a statement yet, but I’m sure she’ll say that it was her decision to leave The View, because she wants to spend more time fucking Donnie Wahlberg, hanging out with her ex-autistic son and she wants to devote more time to her real passion: bringing up the number on JennyMcCarthyBodyCount.com by telling everyone to stay away from vaccines."
"Tsoukalos graduated from Ithaca College in Ithaca, New York in 1998 with a degree in communication and sports information. That makes him uniquely qualified to speak on matters concerning the movie Jerry Maguire, but not so much regarding anything else."
—Rational Wiki on UFOlogist Giorgios Tsoukalos
"Collins College has the same approach to education as Nigerian Princes have to economics."
"'Trump University' is proof that you can't make words explode, no matter how violently you combine opposites. Donald Trump can lose money in a casino when he owns it. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, he bankrupts or sues them, and the only thing he can teach people is that they shouldn't have given him their money, a lesson his educational dialysis facility taught well. It called itself "Trump University" despite a total lack of accreditation. A strip club could claim they were teaching anatomy with exactly the same legitimacy. It was legally forced to change its name by the New York State Department of Education, which stated, 'Use of the word 'university' by your corporation is misleading and violates New York Education Law.' Even in New York, a city of shining spires to every kind of financial bullshit imaginable, it is illegal for Trump to claim that he can teach you anything."
"Jeffrey Lyons is the most reliable movie critic in the world…if you do the opposite of everything he says. He is a man so impressively wrong that you would do well to stay as far away from his advice as you can."
"This is Final Fantasy VIII's only optional dungeon, and it has the potential to be a doozy. Don't listen to a single goddamn word Zell says unless you feel like spending three hours instead of three minutes getting to the bottom. This is something I had to learn the hard way."
—Pat R., "A Series Discovers Its Crack Pipe"
"Late in 1988, a former soldier of fortune and treasure hunter named Randy Widner invited Seagal, Goldman and another man to hunt for treasure off the coast of Barbados. At that time, Seagal had been telling Goldman that he’d been a U.S. Navy SEAL. Evidently this was one frogman who did not take well to water... 'The surf was unbelievable, really tough… He started screaming and panicking and was sure he was going to die and all that crap... Wildner had to pull Seagal by his hair.'"
—Ex-mercanary Gary Goldman on Steven Seagal, Spy magazine
"Too many people have opinions on things they know nothing about. And the more ignorant they are, the more opinions they have. "
—Thomas Hildern, Fallout: New Vegas