"THOSE UGLY HATS. That would be the first thing I’d bring up in an intervention! 'Johnny, your drinking is out of control, but we’ll get to that in a second. We need to talk about your collection of moth-eaten dumpster fedoras.' Those hats are no good, and I fully believe they’re the source of Johnny’s downfall. Take a look at mid-90s Johnny Depp: career was good, super hot, Winona Forever, and no stupid hats. Then look at mid-00s Johnny Depp: wears hats he dug out of the trash, makes shitty movies, left his wife for his 28-year-old co-star, gets drunk at awards shows. It’s the hats, I tells ya! The hats!"
Mike: This is the guy from 21 Jump Street. This is the guy that got sucked into a bed and shat out into blood. He's not a real actor.
Jay: Has everyone just been distracted all these years by his silly hats? And he puts on a goofy accent. He even kinda did it in Transcendence... He can't even do a straight role without using a weird voice.
Mike: Johnny Depp is a good performer, he's not a good actor... "imma scientist (mumble mumble) so I talk like this. (mumble mumble) Oh, I died." I don't give a fuck.
"Hello John, it's Ron Howard. I'm looking at your contract here, and I know I am 'to honor any and all of Mr. Depp' acting choices even if they are poorly motivated or downright effeminately contrarian,' but can we talk about this? Look, I love Shirley Temple as much as the next guy. And I think I figured out a way you can keep the curly wig, but can we lose the 'good ship lollipop' dress? Please? I'm begging you. I mean, this is The Jonas Salk Story. Also, let me know what you think about those 15 scenes that are all in slow motion with violin music."
"Kill your idols. That's what they say. Never meet your heroes, they'll only disappoint you. All I know is this: Johnny, I have loved you for so long. Decades. But it's like I don't even know who you are anymore... Why would you, the anti-establishment, anti-celebrity celebrity slash wannabe-rebel, be making these choices, the kind of choices that make you seem like every other mediocre-talent middle-aged constant mid-life crisis man in Hollywood? Did you do Lone Ranger for the money? Because you already own your own Caribbean island, my love, you can't possibly need more money. Did you really have to fall for the leggy blonde from the craptastic CW show Hidden Palms? I'm sure she is very nice but it is just so typical."
"LaPointe, a role billed to an actor also named 'Guy LaPointe' (a hockey player's name in real life), is in fact played by a much more famous thespian whose identity might be considered a spoiler - though if you've read anything about this movie or its proposed follow-up Yoga Hosers, you likely know full well who it is. And it's a disastrous mistake that nearly undoes the movie. Whatever emotional truth [Michael] Parks and [Justin] Long bring to their roles, 'LaPointe' does the opposite — he's a Peter Falk impersonation with a Quebec accent and the sort of affected eccentricities you'd expect from this particular performer at his most self-indulgent. Listen to Smith talk about Cop Out and Bruce Willis, and you come away with the sense that he doesn't always know how to get the best out of a strong-willed, big-name star; the same is evident here. The one scene 'LaPointe' does have with Parks is like a master class in, respectively, how not to get rid of actorly vanity, and how to nail it."