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Quotes: Jerk with a Heart of Jerk


"Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...
Denis Leary, Asshole

Annie: He's a jerk because we exclude him.
Jeff: We exclude him because he's a jerk!
Community, discussing Pierce.

Steve: I thought you were doing it because you cared!
Roger: I do care, kiddo. I care about me.

Penny: At first I thought [Captain Hammer] was really cheesy-
Billy: Trust your instincts.
Penny: But you know how sometimes people have one layer on the outside, and then another, completely different layer beneath?
Billy: And sometimes there's a third, even deeper, level, and that one is the same as
Penny: Huh?
Billy: Like with pie.

Leela: You know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!

Jaime Lannister: I didn't realize you placed such a high value on my brother's life.
Tywin Lannister: He's a Lannister! He might be the lowest of the Lannisters, but he's one of us! And every day that he remains a prisoner, the less our name commands respect.

"He may be grouchy on the outside, but inside beats a heart of stone."
Big Bird, on Oscar the Grouch, The Hollywood Squares

Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I'll bet he's a sweetheart.
Dr. Perry Cox: No, no. Underneath it all, he is pure evil.
Clock: Perry, no one's pure evil. I mean, yes, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center.
Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.
Clock: So they'd have more of a nougat-y center?
Cox: Lady... people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are, mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
Scrubs, episode "My Common Enemy"

"When you were assigned to be my roommate, I thought you were a jerk. Then I tricked myself into believing you weren't. I won't make that mistake again."

Aladeen: I now know that on the outside, I am a bit of a cocksucker...
Nadal: Yeah!
Aladeen: But deep down...I'm nice.
Nadal: Not really.
Aladeen: Yes I am! I'm like mafrum: hard and spiky on the outside, but soft and really mushy on the in.
Nadal: You're not like mafrum at all! You're like an onion! An outer layer of cocksucker, and when you peel it away, there is ten more layers of cocksucker underneath!

"Underneath this harsh surface, I'm deeply sensitive." [..] "I Lied. Underneath this harsh surface, there's just MORE harsh surface."
The Sheriff, Robin Hood

Darkstripe: You're mine, kittypet. It's time for you to die.
Firestar: So now you're fighting on the side of Tigerstar's murderer? Have you no loyalty?
Darkstripe: Not anymore. Every cat in the forest can turn to crowfood for all I care. All I want is to see you dead.

Real Life

"Beneath that seemingly crusty exterior — lies an emotional black hole, from which no glimmer of empathy can escape and into which the shattered remnants of the human experience are sucked to implode on themselves into a microscopic singularity of universal indifference."
Samantha Bee, on Dick Cheney, The Daily Show

"Your coach: Ideal buddy cop movie police chief Tom Coughlin. He's got just 10 weeks 'til retirement, Rolle! HE'S TOO OLD TO LISTEN TO YOUR HORSESHIT EXCUSES. I bet Tom Coughlin goes to bed at night wearing chinos and white sneakers. You will read 700 puff pieces about Tom Coughlin every year that say, 'Hey, he's not such a dick anymore!' But then his team will lose and he will immediately throw his players under the bus and back that bus up six times to make sure they've been thoroughly run over."
Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2013: New York Giants"

"Four years ago, Andrew 'Weev' Aurenheimer poked an easy hole in Apple's iPad security, exposed the information of 114,000 users, and embarrassed both that company and AT&T. He spent a year in prison before his sentence was tossed out, becoming a hacker hero in the process—and also, apparently, a neo-Nazi....Weev recalls what he learned from his time in prison—apparently a deep hatred of Jews, black people, and other significant portions of society—and reveals a giant swastika tattoo on his chest.

The man is known for deliberately offending as many people as possible with racism, antisemitism, and other forms of inflammatory hate speech. But for years now, it's been chalked up to his self-professed 'troll' status. But the line between Hey, just trolling! and This man is an open fascist is clearly artificial one. But if your life is one big troll, it's not a troll at all; you are just a hateful, bad person."

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