"I used to write pornography when I was younger. It wasn't terribly erotic, but it was detailed..."
All you’re doing is smacking your nuts against someone, and nothing is going in.
While Fifty Shades is more ribald than the average film, its sex scenes feel as pre-fabricated as any CGI-laden action sequence in an average blockbuster—they're fine here but could easily be at home in a Dior commercial... Imagine if Peckinpah’s lens lovingly captured guns for an hour but never bothered to show the squibs.
"Quite. After all, sex is just a couple of electrified water bags wobbling on each other repeatedly and then squirting amino-acids about."
— xkcd forums
"I'm gonna fuck you with my penis!"
— Zack, Zack and Miri Make a Porno
"Rendered in a labyrinthine and frequently unintelligible grammar, the truly awful query is often notable for its length, its torrid verbosity, and the mechanical specificity of its sex scenes, which tend to read like appliance-repair manuals in their exhaustive and emotionless depictions of moving parts. "
''1) Put pOnOs (A) to vagOOO (B).''
2) JAM IT IN!
2) JAM IT IN!
— from a Fate/stay night parody comic
"Oh, Gwen! Your labia feels so good around my swollen phallus! Oh, I'm fairly confident I'm going to ejaculate. I'm releasing some of my seminal fluids inside of you now!"
— Richard Bagg, Van Wilder
"He put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
— Ebony, My Immortal.
"He whisked off her shoes and panties in one movement, wild like an enraged shark, his bulky totem beating a seductive rhythm. Mary's body felt like it was burning, even though the room was properly air-conditioned. They tried all the positions: on top, doggy, and normal. Exhausted, they collapsed on to the recently extended sofa bed. Then a hellbeast ate them."
— Garth Merengi, Garth Marenghis Darkplace
"I should warn you, because of the turgid, pedestrian prose and frank sexual nature of the following, young children and English majors might want to skip ahead."
— Al Franken, Lies And The Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, on a sex scene from Those Who Trespass by Bill O'Reilly
"I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!"
— Born2Bone (Al Gore) to HunniBunni (Tipper Gore) during a cybersex session, Dave Barry In Cyberspace
"Bit faster? (beat) More motion. Not like that, more motion. You're all in out, in out, like you're trying to shut a drawer back into a filing cabinet."
— Nicola, Black Mirror: Hang the DJ