Quotes: Historical Hero Upgrade

"My beloved people, I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and the wingspan of an albatross and the left hook of a heavyweight Champ!"
Queen Elizabeth, Hark A Vagrant

But you know they gonna whitewash me
Make up some corny shit about me chopping cherry trees
It's hard to control a people if their founder's a thug
So they'll teach that I was all prayers, puppies and hugs!
George Washington, Founding Fathers

There are precious few at ease
With moral ambiguities
So we act as though they don't exist...
The Wizard, Wicked

In reality, William Wallace was actually a well funded militant separatist with extreme political views who attacked a larger, more organised society using guerilla tactics and no regard for civilian casualties. His biggest attack? Pulled on September 11th! Never forget. Even in the past.
The Cold Mountain guy was real, but there's no record of him abandoning his post for love. There's just a record of him abandoning his post. Twice. And now he's Jude Law.
... by all accounts, Rudy is kind of a prick. Oh, and speaking of pricks, every one of the 300 dudes was both boned by an older man as a child, and boned a child before leaving for battle...
I mean, for God's sake, The Patriot would have been about a guy burning churches, slaughtering unarmed Cherokee and raping his female slaves. That's what the real guy Mel Gibson was playing did. Over here in life, where everything is awful.

"It doesn't matter. I won't be in the history books anyway, only you. Franklin did this and Franklin did that and Franklin did some other damn thing. Franklin smote the ground and out sprang George Washington, fully grown and on his horse. Franklin then electrified him with his miraculous lightning rod and the three of them - Franklin, Washington, and the horse - conducted the entire revolution by themselves."
John Adams, 1776note