Quotes / Hell of a Heaven

Edmund: You see, the thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing. Talking to God. Watering pot plants.
Graveney: Ew.
Edmund: Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture — those... areas.
Graveney: Really?
Edmund: Yes! Leave your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life!
Graveney: Adultery? Pillage? Through all eternity?
Edmund: Yep!
King Richard IV: Well, Graveney? Your decision?
Graveney: Very well. I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord. May He treat me like the piece of refuse that I am and send me to Hell where I belong.

— Blackadder, "The Archbishop"

"Up here in Heaven without you
It is Hell knowing that your health
Will keep you out of here for many, many years"

—Sparks, "Here in Heaven"

All right, then, because it might make us feel better, let’s pretend the opposite [of Cessation of Existence]. Instead, you’ll get tapped on the shoulder and told, Great news: this party’s going on forever – and you can’t leave. You’ve got to stay; the boss says so. And he also insists that you have a good time. The father proposed by monotheism is the father that doesn’t die. Who reassures his children ‘don’t worry, I’ll never leave you. You’ll never see the end of me. You’ll never get the chance to feel sorry, I’m always there. I’m the absolute ultimate in dictatorships and in my courts there is no appeal.’

—Christopher Hitchens, "The Never Ending Party"

I ought to have been cast into the sprawling meadows of Asphodel, not here, not with these kings and braggarts. What am I doing here? Waiting, lingering, transfixed on something that was never mine, something I never had... then, what am I to do?

—Patroclus, Hades

"God, Veronica, my afterlife is so boring. I have to sing Kumbaya one more time..."

—Heather Chandler, Heathers

"Listen carefully before I forget how to say this: you gotta help us. We are so screwed!"

— Patty aka Alexandra Hypatia, in the real Good Place, The Good Place

"I think that if we're lucky, only oblivion awaits us after the end. Because every other afterlife sounds stupid and I eagerly await the peace of nothingness."

—J.P. Beaubien, Terrible Writing Advice

"I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse."

— Isaac Asimov

"If there is a cat heaven, and there are mice in cat heaven, then it must be mouse hell."

—Neil Degrasse Tyson

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