Quotes: Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?

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    Comic Book 

The Cat: Wilson— cover my back.
Deadpool: You're letting me cover your back? Oh, this is so totally cool! Weasel's gonna fart— oh wait, forgot I'm not friends with him anymore... Okay, I'll make friends with him again just to tell him, but then I'll break up with him again. Not break up like we're going out or anything! I'm all man, I tellya! C'mere— you snake chicks and all twenty of you Rives and Makeshifts and I'll show all of you!

    Fanfiction 

Where did you get him he is very hansom!" dark said but only because he was a clone of him HES NOT GAY.

    Film — Live-Action 

I'm so straight that when I bought my house, the first thing I did was brick up the back door! You know why? Because my asshole's JUST for shitting!
Straight Dave, aka Bruno, Brüno

Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [a car horn honks, which seems to snap him out of it] Ewww, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!
Jay, Clerks

    Literature 

Yes, there's nothing like a good-smelling man," said John dreamily. Suddenly we were all very uncomfortable and there was a lot of throat-clearing and coughing and we all walked a few paces farther apart. (I haven't told you about John yet, have I?) Then John started to make a great and pathetic show of noticing the women as they passed. "Why, that little heifer would give a man some strong sons," John said in a booming and falsely masculine voice. "A man could surely plant some seed there, he could.

    Live-Action TV 

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heterosexual!
Tom Servo, mocking Watney Smith in Outlaw Of Gor

Hugh Laurie: You do, Kevin, you look absolutely fabulous. If I was homosexual, I'd want to buy you a drink at the very least.
Kevin McNally: Thanks. If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.
Hugh: As it is, I like birds.
Kevin: Me too.

We live across the hall. No! We don't live 'together'. I mean, we live together, but in separate heterosexual bedrooms.
Leonard, introducing himself and Sheldon to Penny, The Big Bang Theory

Santana: All I know is, you blew me off. To be with Stubbles Mc-cripplepants. Fine. Your loss. Cause now, I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're gonna sing at Regionals.
Brittany: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana: I honestly don't know what I was thinking...could you stop staring at me, I can't remember my locker combo.
Glee, "Original Song"

My name is Olaf Peterson. I am very good in bed.

Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but for the record — if anyone out Yaoi Fangirl still cares — I'm not actually gay.
John Watson, Sherlock

    Music 

"Now I'm gonna make you dance, get your chance
Yeah, boy, shake that ass...
...Oops! I mean, girl! Girl, girl, girl!
Girl, you know you're my world"
Eminem, "Just Lose It"

    Theatre 

I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, but you can't because she is in Canada.
Rod, Avenue Q

    Web Animation 

On the whole, though, it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls.

(beat)

—I mean, as it used to be.

(beat)

I'm not gay!

    Webcomics 

I AM STRAIGHT, DAMN IT!!!! I WILL NOT BE VEERED IN ANY OTHER DISGUSTINGLY GROTESQUE DIRECTION!!!!

Social Link, Go!
Yosuke: Hey, let's go to your room. But, like, not in a gay way or anything.

- Straight married men have gay sex all the time!

    Web Video 

"Our private parts remain very far away
'Cuz we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not—

No we're not saying there's anything wrong with that!
But for that other team we simply do not bat
Quinton Flynn and Jeff Nimoy, The Yaoi Song

Roku: Here I am, practicing fighting with Sozin!
Aang: Wow! You guys were friends?
Roku: Yes. Friends. Totally friends. In conclusion: friends. I liked a girl! See?
(Later)
Sozin: Right now, we have it all right here in the Fire Nation. We have lots of money, success, and privileges, and you now have a hot wife.
Roku: Once again proving that I am straight.
Sozin: Our undeniable heterosexuality aside...

Jay: Lots of stories about shower-molesting. Supposedly happening to Paul London (a lot), Brian Kendrick, and the Hardy Boyz, too.
V1: So what you're saying is that he likes long-haired pretty boys. A LOTTA HOMOSEXUAL SPIRIT IN 'ERE MAGGLE!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah: Zell, the most annoying dude in the game and—I hate to say this—more than a little gay. He really wants to see your gunblade badly and he'll pester you about it for the entire trip.

    Western Animation 

I like girls!
Tyler, Total Drama Island

    Web Original 

family values: Code term for bible-thumping, self-loathing, closeted homosexuals who troll public restrooms for sex. Republican senators and congressmen appear to have an inordinate fondness for this expression.

Ex: I'm going to the truck stop to practice my family values.

Murphy has a great youthful energy and charm, with rapport with his audience, and these jokes are a way of bringing everyone together: this is what we really think and laugh at, all the stuff that isn’t safe for TV. Of course, much of Murphy’s act is very externally focused rather then the personal anecdotes and interpretations of the likes of Bruce or Richard Pryor. A strange guttural hooting Mr. T and some only so-so impressions of The Honeymooners sodomising one another is not terribly advanced stuff...Some years later Murphy would apologise for these jokes in his routine. And we all know the sterling work Murphy has since made in out-reach projects to the transgender community.

Ted Haggard, who is not gay and known for saying that “evangelicals have the best sex life of any group, is best known for being exposed as a methamphetamine user and a regular customer of Denver's male prostitutes in 2007 (of course not using money donated to his church by his flock). That does not make him a loon. What could perhaps make him a loon is the aftermath and rationalization. After a month of, well, therapy, however, he was pronounced 100% heterosexual (which he asserted the whole time anyway) ...Haggard was originally exposed since his masseur got tired of Haggard’s hypocrisy (Haggard was simultaneously campaigning for a law to ban gay marriage).

Best in Russian police at find illegal homosexual dens. Almost strangely best.

[Dominic] Keating has confessed that he played the character “so gay”, and there’s a fairly plausible reading of Malcolm Reed’s character that suggests he might be a closeted gay man over-compensating slightly....Searching the compound with Mayweather, he makes a big deal of how fascinated he is by the sexy alien lady dancers. He’s a little too interested, to the point where he is almost unprofessional. (Of course, given Reed’s later inability to distinguish between phaser fire and lightning, it is quite possible that he is just terrible at his job. There is also a case to be made in favour of that argument over the course of Enterprise.)
Darren Mooney on Star Trek: Enterprise, "Broken Bow"

Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, "I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing," before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up...The Difficult Brown went on to say, "You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes."
Michael K., "The Difficult Brown Got Arrested For Being The Difficult Brown"

    Real Life 

One of the many compliments Mailer has tendered the Patriarchs over the years is never having succumbed to whatever homosexual urges they might have had. Now, to his shock, instead of getting at least a Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroism, he sees slowly descending upon his brow an unmistakable dunce cap. All that hanging about boxers, to no good end!
Gore Vidal, "Feminism and its Discontents"

We thought Tom was the biggest bore on the face of the Earth...He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments. I mean, his lingo was larded with the most—There was no basis for it. It was like, 'It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange.
Bronson Pinchot on the making of Risky Business

Racists never imagine what it's like to be like the person they hate, homophobes imagine it in graphic detail for hour upon hour.
Bob Schooley

The likelihood of a person harboring secret desires to engage in sexual and/or romantic activities with members of the same sex is directly proportional to the frequency and volume of said person's vocalized objections to homosexuality.
Dennis DiClaudio on "Haggard's Law"