Quotes: Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?

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    Comic Book 

Okay, I'll make friends with [Weasel] again just to tell him, but then I'll break up with him again. Not break up like we're going out or anything! I'm all man, I tellya!
Deadpool, Cable & Deadpool

    Fanfiction 

Where did you get him he is very hansom!" dark said but only because he was a clone of him HES NOT GAY.

    Film — Live-Action 

Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [a car horn honks, which seems to snap him out of it] Ewww, you fucking faggot, I hate guys. I LOVE WOMEN!
Jay, Clerks

    Literature 

Yes, there's nothing like a good-smelling man," said John dreamily. Suddenly we were all very uncomfortable and there was a lot of throat-clearing and coughing and we all walked a few paces farther apart. (I haven't told you about John yet, have I?) Then John started to make a great and pathetic show of noticing the women as they passed. "Why, that little heifer would give a man some strong sons," John said in a booming and falsely masculine voice. "A man could surely plant some seed there, he could."

    Live-Action TV 

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heterosexual!
Tom Servo, mocking Watney Smith in Outlaw Of Gor

Hugh Laurie: You do, Kevin, you look absolutely fabulous. If I was homosexual, I'd want to buy you a drink at the very least.
Kevin McNally: Thanks. If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.
Hugh: As it is, I like birds.
Kevin: Me too.

We live across the hall. No! We don't live 'together'. I mean, we live together, but in separate heterosexual bedrooms.
Leonard, introducing himself and Sheldon to Penny, The Big Bang Theory

Santana: All I know is, you blew me off. To be with Stubbles Mc-cripplepants. Fine. Your loss. Cause now, I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam that we're gonna sing at Regionals.
Brittany: Wait, you're still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.
Santana: I honestly don't know what I was thinking...could you stop staring at me, I can't remember my locker combo.
Glee, "Original Song"

My name is Olaf Peterson. I am very good in bed.

Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but for the record — if anyone out there still cares — I'm not actually gay.
John Watson, Sherlock

    Music 

"Now I'm gonna make you dance, get your chance
Yeah, boy, shake that ass...
...Oops! I mean, girl! Girl, girl, girl!
Girl, you know you're my world"
Eminem, "Just Lose It"

    Theatre 

I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, but you can't because she is in Canada.
Rod, Avenue Q

    Web Animation 

On the whole, though, it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls.

(beat)

—I mean, as it used to be.

(beat)

I'm not gay!

    Webcomics 

Social Link, Go!
Yosuke: Hey, let's go to your room. But, like, not in a gay way or anything.

- Straight married men have gay sex all the time!

    Web Video 

"Our private parts remain very far away
'Cuz we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not gay
No we're not—

No we're not saying there's anything wrong with that!
But for that other team we simply do not bat
Quinton Flynn and Jeff Nimoy, The Yaoi Song

Roku: Here I am, practicing fighting with Sozin!
Aang: Wow! You guys were friends?
Roku: Yes. Friends. Totally friends. In conclusion: friends. I liked a girl! See?
(Later)
Sozin: Right now, we have it all right here in the Fire Nation. We have lots of money, success, and privileges, and you now have a hot wife.
Roku: Once again proving that I am straight.
Sozin: Our undeniable heterosexuality aside...

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah: Zell, the most annoying dude in the game and—I hate to say this—more than a little gay. He really wants to see your gunblade badly and he'll pester you about it for the entire trip.

    Western Animation 

I did not want to make love with a young boy! I like men my own age...Ahhh! I mean I like women! Oh God, I love titties!
Mr. Garrison, South Park

I like girls!
Tyler, Total Drama Island

    Web Original 

There is something about a guy who proudly proclaims Scarface is his favorite movie that makes me think they secretly have Sleepless In Seattle hiding in their bedroom.
Miles Antwiler on The Boondock Saints 2: All Saint's Day

Chris Brown: You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.
Michael K., "The Difficult Brown Got Arrested For Being The Difficult Brown"

    Real Life 

Slater's comforting arm around the shoulder is quickly whipped away when someone walks by, allowing his pal to thunk his head on the bench, in deadly fear of being thought of as a gay poof. It gets a big laugh, but in fairness, it's representative of the homophobic banter of 80's playgrounds, when you could barely open your mouth to speak without some wise-guy accusing you of inviting a nice big cock into it.
Stuart Millard, So Excited, So Scared: The Saved by the Bell Retrospective

One of the many compliments Mailer has tendered the Patriarchs over the years is never having succumbed to whatever homosexual urges they might have had. Now, to his shock, instead of getting at least a Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroism, he sees slowly descending upon his brow an unmistakable dunce cap. All that hanging about boxers, to no good end!
Gore Vidal, "Feminism and its Discontents"