Quotes: Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality

The awesome thing was how fast he'd been able to escalate the chaos once he started doing it deliberately.

Harry sat in his office; he'd been given the authority to order furniture from the house elves, so he'd ordered a throne, and curtains in a black and crimson pattern. Scarlet light like blood, mixed with shadow, poured over the floor.

Something in Harry felt like he'd finally come home.

Before him stood the four Lieutenants of Chaos, his most trusted minions, one of whom was a traitor.

This. This was what life should be like.

"We are gathered," said Harry.

"Let Chaos reign," chorused his four Lieutenants.

"My hovercraft is full of eels," said Harry.

"I will not buy this record, it is scratched," chorused his four Lieutenants.

"All mimsy were the borogroves."

"And the mome raths outgrabe!"

That concluded the formalities.

Professor McGonagall: Whatever dark power inhabits you, it is contagious, and I don't want to end up like poor Draco Malfoy, poor Madam Malkin and her two poor assistants!

Harry Potter: Professor McGonagall the Headmaster set fire to a chicken!
Minerva McGonagall: Wh--

Harry Potter: Someday, when the distant descendants of Homo sapiens are looking back over the history of the galaxy and wondering how it all went so wrong, they will conclude that the original mistake was when someone taught Hermione Granger how to read.

Albus: Nor had Harry ever dropped his Occulmency barriers in the Defense Professor's presence—
Minerva: Mr. Potter is an Occlumens? You gave him an invisibility cloak and he is immune to Veritaserum and he is friends with the Weasley twins? Albus, do you have any idea what you have unleashed upon this school? By his seventh year there won't be anything left of Hogwarts but a smoking hole in the ground!
Dumbledore: Don't forget the Time-Turner.
Minerva: *strangled shriek*
Severus: Should I teach him to brew Polyjuice, Headmaster? I ask only for the sake of completeness, in case you are not satisfied with the magnitude of your pet disaster.
Albus: Perhaps next year.

(Ex tempore speech given by General Potter to the Chaos Legion, immediately before their first battle, on November 3rd, 1991, at 2:56pm:)

My troops, I'm not going to lie to you, our situation today is very grim. Dragon Army has never lost a single battle. And Hermione Granger... has a very good memory. The truth is, most of you are probably going to die. And the survivors will envy the dead. But we have to win this. We have to win this so that someday, our children can enjoy the taste of chocolate again. Everything is at stake here. Literally everything. If we lose, the whole universe just blinks out like a light bulb. And now I realize that most of you don't know what a light bulb is. Well, take it from me, it's bad. But if we have to go down, let's go down fighting, like heroes, so that as the darkness closes in, we can think to ourselves, at least we had fun. Are you afraid to die? I know I am. I can feel those cold shivers of fear like someone is pumping ice cream into my shirt. But I know... that history is watching us. It was watching us when we changed into our uniforms. It was probably taking pictures. And history, my troops, is written by the victors. If we win this, we can write our own history. A history in which Hogwarts was founded by four renegade house elves. We can make everyone study that history, even though it isn't true, and if they don't answer the right way on our tests... they'll fail the class. Isn't that worth dying for? No, don't answer that. Some things are better left unknown. None of us know why we're here. None of us know why we're fighting. We just woke up in these uniforms in this mysterious forest, knowing only that there was no way to get our names and memories back except victory. The students in those other armies out there... they're just like us. They don't want to die. They're fighting to protect each other, the only friends they have left. They're fighting because they know they have families who'll miss them, even if they can't remember now. They may even be fighting to save the world. But we have a better reason to fight than they do. We fight because we like it. We fight to amuse eldritch monstrosities from beyond Space and Time. We fight because we're Chaos. Soon the final battle will begin, so let me say now, because I won't get a chance later, that it was an honor to be your commander, however briefly. Thank you, thank you all. And remember, your goal isn't just to cut down the enemy, it's to make them afraid.
Chapter 30

Look at this! I mean, just look at this! Can you believe I'm being charged 30 points for shipping and handling on one lousy pie? 30 points! I'm turning a loss on the deal even after rescuing an innocent boy in distress! And storage fees? Conveyance charges? Drayage costs? How do you get drayage costs on a pie?
Harry, Chapter 13

You're giving me a time machine to treat my sleep disorder.
You're giving me a TIME MACHINE to treat my SLEEP DISORDER.
YOU'RE GIVING ME A TIME MACHINE IN ORDER TO TREAT MY SLEEP DISORDER.
Harry's train of thought when Professor McGonagall gives him a time machine to treat his sleep disorder, Chapter 14

Harry: Hello, Headmaster.
Dumbledore: Please, Harry! Headmaster sounds so formal, just call me Heh for short.
Harry: I'll be sure to, Heh.
Dumbledore: [beat] Do you know, you're the first person who's ever taken me up on that?
Chapter 17

Draco: Later on we should have some sort of special mark that all our servants have, the Mark of Science, like a snake eating the Moon on their right arms—
Harry: It's called a PhD and wouldn’t that make it too easy to identify our people?
Draco: Huh?
Harry: I mean, what if someone is like "okay, now everyone pull up their robes over their right arms" and our guy is like "whoops, sorry, looks like I'm a spy"—
Draco: Forget I said anything!
Chapter 21

Dumbledore: Dear me, I do feel silly. And here I was expecting you might try to redeem the heir of Malfoy by, say, showing him true friendship and kindness.
Harry: Ha! Yeah, like that would have worked.
Chapter 25

Harry: We should kill them.
Hermione: Who, the Quidditch team?
Harry: I was thinking of everyone involved in any way with Quidditch anywhere, but the Ravenclaw team would be a start, yes.
Hermione: You do know that killing people is wrong, Harry?
Harry: Yes.
Hermione: Okay, just checking. Let's get the Seeker first. I've read some Agatha Christie mysteries, do you know how we can get her onto a train?
— Harry and Hermione agree to murder Cho Chang, Chapter 27