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Quotes: Harmless Villain

Fiction

"I never tip, I butt in line
I never clean the dishes and it suits me fine
I'm so pleased, I'm such a sleaze
(This bad guy thing's a breeze!)"
King K. Rool during a song in Donkey Kong Country

"Plankton. One percent evil. Ninety-nine percent hot gas."

Jake: These guys aren't a threat to anyone.
Finn: These guys are a threat to themselves.
Finn and Jake on the Cuties, Adventure Time ("Conquest of Cuteness")

"Your penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tend to regard you as a bit of tool."
The Narrator, on Eridan Ampora, Homestuck

Guybrush: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.
Murray: ...Is it a really evil-looking doorstop?
Guybrush: Uh, never mind.

Ganon: Now how am I gonna get back at that jerk for everything he's done to me? Hmm, I could always kidnap the princess... nah, been there, done that. I could just go and kill him, but that wouldn't be evil enough... No, I must do something so utterly evil, he'll be all like, "Whoa dude, that was like totally evil!" I got it! I'll go punch him in the nose! That'll show him!
Bit: That's gotta be the worst idea I've ever heard!

"When it comes to havoc, nobody wreaks like me!"
Dr. Heinz Doofensmirtz, Phineas and Ferb

Just because you are bad guy, it does not mean you are bad guy.
"What am I supposed to do, drop it in the road and wait for Kirby to trip over it?"
King Dedede, about Blocky, Kirby: Right Back at Ya!

"I am evil—stop laughing!"
Veigar, the Tiny Master of Evil, League of Legends

Real Life

"In real news, the Weather Underground bombs the US State Department, hurting absolutely nobody and generally continuing their reputation as the fluffy bunnies of the terrorist world."

"'I, Voldemort, give you full permission to use the most evil of magics!' They're like, no, Voldemort! Not the ear magic! 'YES! BURN ALL THEIR FUCKIN' EARS!'"

"The Borrower's superpower was leaving signed documentation at the scene of all his robberies. That's like being a regular criminal only easier to convict — like, suspiciously easier. His escape vehicle is a chatty stroll and he's dressed like an embedded reporter in a war between leprechauns. If a rookie superhero saw The Borrower, he'd probably say, 'Oh, fuck. This is all some kind of Make a Wish Foundation stunt. I'm ... I'm dying, aren't I?' The Borrower's crime spree was doomed from the start, but it's a special kind of shitty luck when you snatch Wonder Woman's purse. She spends most of her superhero days being chloroformed and hogtied by Egg Fu or Baron Blitzkrieg, so a normal guy with a pile of napkins and a pen is like Christmas. It was such a relaxing day of crimefighting that she went shopping before she bothered to put on her costume."

"The Dominators are masters of the ten galaxies…I bet those galaxies are a bit embarrassed about that."

"I would like to submit that Aeon the Terrible is not very good at being terrible."
Mike Fireball in his review of Rudolph's Shiny New Year

"A geeky, awkward research scientist turned flamboyant, rubber-faced idiot...His pseudo-sexual obsession with Bruce Wayne compels him to leave brain teasers for Bruce every now and then. Terrifying!"

"I genuinely love how she says that no one’s going to be able to protect them from the plants, and everybody just busts out laughing at her, and Gossip Gertie is all 'in Gotham, we’ve got Batman, so f*** you.' Gossip Gertie don’t shiv."
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Poison Ivy

"And that's how Jason Took Manhattan. I guess he didn't really TAKE Manhattan, so much as...I don't know. Annoy it briefly? Strolled through it for about 3 minutes without hurting anybody? And then got killed in a really embarrassing fashion that doesn't make any sense? Heck he barely made an impact on Manhattan. What are the papers bound to say if they even run the story? 'JASON VOORHEES GOES ON RAMPAGE: DESTROYS BOOMBOX, NOBODY HURT.'"

"Mr. Hyde is not all that compelling in this movie. He is built up all during the first half (kind of like Harry Lime in The Third Man) where we only get glimpses and whispers of how evil he is. When we finally meet him we find he is not so much evil as just an asshole. He beats up a few people but the majority of his evil acts are insulting people and drawing penises in medical textbooks (I’m not kidding). Heck I can get that from any episode of House."
Miles Antwiler on Mary Reilly (1996)

"Oh, and we also got an appearance by a vaguely heel Lord Alfred Hayes, who made fun of Todd’s name. And yeah, that was pretty much heel Alfred – he was never blatantly evil, just more like he got out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning."

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