Quotes: Harmless Villain

Fiction

I never tip, I butt in line
I never clean the dishes and it suits me fine
I'm so pleased, I'm such a sleaze
(This bad guy thing's a breeze!)
King K. Rool during a song in Donkey Kong Country
Your pranks are so miserable.

Plankton. One percent evil. Ninety-nine percent hot gas.

Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits! That's S...T...I...
Marv Merchants, Home Alone

Jake: These guys aren't a threat to anyone.
Finn: These guys are a threat to themselves.
Finn and Jake on the Cuties, Adventure Time ("Conquest of Cuteness")

Your penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tend to regard you as a bit of tool.
The Narrator, on Eridan Ampora, Homestuck

Guybrush: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.
Murray: ...Is it a really evil-looking doorstop?
Guybrush: Uh, never mind.

Laurie: Hey, you remember that guy? The one who pretended to be a supervillain so he could get beaten up? What was his name..? "Captain Carnage."
Dan: Yeah, he was one for the books.
Laurie: You're telling me. I remember I caught him coming out of this jeweler's... I didn't know what his racket was. I start hitting him and I think "Jeez, he's breathing funny! Does he have asthma?"
Dan: He tried that with me, only I'd heard about him, so I just walked away. He follows me down the street—broad daylight, right?—screaming "Punish me! PUNISH ME!" I'm like "No! Get lost!"
Laurie: Whatever happened to him?
Dan: Well, he pulled it on Rorschach, and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft.
(both laugh)

Ganon: Now how am I gonna get back at that jerk for everything he's done to me? Hmm, I could always kidnap the princess... nah, been there, done that. I could just go and kill him, but that wouldn't be evil enough... No, I must do something so utterly evil, he'll be all like, "Whoa dude, that was like totally evil!" I got it! I'll go punch him in the nose! That'll show him!
Bit: That's gotta be the worst idea I've ever heard!

What am I supposed to do, drop it in the road and wait for Kirby to trip over it?
King Dedede, about Blocky, Kirby: Right Back at Ya!

I am evil—stop laughing!
Veigar, the Tiny Master of Evil, League of Legends

Dr. Gevaarjlik: Heinz, evil doesn't have to be on a big scale. You can spread evil in the little things you do everyday.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You're right.
Dr. Gevaarjlik: BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT! You're a total failure!
Phineas and Ferb, "Oil On Candace"

Real Life

In real news, the Weather Underground bombs the US State Department, hurting absolutely nobody and generally continuing their reputation as the fluffy bunnies of the terrorist world.

'I, Voldemort, give you full permission to use the most evil of magics!' They're like, no, Voldemort! Not the ear magic! 'YES! BURN ALL THEIR FUCKIN' EARS!'

The Borrower's superpower was leaving signed documentation at the scene of all his robberies. That's like being a regular criminal only easier to convict — like, suspiciously easier. His escape vehicle is a chatty stroll and he's dressed like an embedded reporter in a war between leprechauns. If a rookie superhero saw The Borrower, he'd probably say, 'Oh, fuck. This is all some kind of Make a Wish Foundation stunt. I'm ... I'm dying, aren't I?' The Borrower's crime spree was doomed from the start, but it's a special kind of shitty luck when you snatch Wonder Woman's purse. She spends most of her superhero days being chloroformed and hogtied by Egg Fu or Baron Blitzkrieg, so a normal guy with a pile of napkins and a pen is like Christmas. It was such a relaxing day of crimefighting that she went shopping before she bothered to put on her costume.

The Dominators are masters of the ten galaxies…I bet those galaxies are a bit embarrassed about that.

I would like to submit that Aeon the Terrible is not very good at being terrible.
Mike Fireball in his review of Rudolph's Shiny New Year

Wolverine has become so ridiculously overexposed in the Marvel Universe that his supposed 'greatest foe' can be unceremoniously dead for a year following a disastrously stupid Jeph Loeb storyline, and no one has really noticed. Much like Crystal Pepsi and car phones, Sabretooth is something a post-'90s world no longer needs.

That said, Sabretooth manages to die in a fantastically idiotic fashion for a character that was once so important. You see, Wolverine has a magic katana made out of his own soul that nullifies mutant healing factor. Wait—I'm not sure you caught that. Wolverine has a fucking magic katana made out of his own soul that nullifies mutant healing factor. Ahem.

A geeky, awkward research scientist turned flamboyant, rubber-faced idiot...His pseudo-sexual obsession with Bruce Wayne compels him to leave brain teasers for Bruce every now and then. Terrifying!

I genuinely love how she says that no one’s going to be able to protect them from the plants, and everybody just busts out laughing at her, and Gossip Gertie is all 'in Gotham, we’ve got Batman, so f*** you.' Gossip Gertie don’t shiv.
ComicsAlliance on Poison Ivy

And that's how Jason Took Manhattan. I guess he didn't really TAKE Manhattan, so much as...I don't know. Annoy it briefly? Strolled through it for about 3 minutes without hurting anybody? And then got killed in a really embarrassing fashion that doesn't make any sense? Heck he barely made an impact on Manhattan. What are the papers bound to say if they even run the story? 'JASON VOORHEES GOES ON RAMPAGE: DESTROYS BOOMBOX, NOBODY HURT.'

Mr. Hyde is not all that compelling in this movie. He is built up all during the first half (kind of like Harry Lime in The Third Man) where we only get glimpses and whispers of how evil he is. When we finally meet him we find he is not so much evil as just an asshole. He beats up a few people but the majority of his evil acts are insulting people and drawing penises in medical textbooks (I’m not kidding). Heck I can get that from any episode of House.
Miles Antwiler on Mary Reilly (1996)

Chris: Dracula in this movie definitely looks like the default version in a video game that allows you to customize your character. “…And Commander John Shepard as Dracula.”
David: There’s nothing Draculesque about him at all.
Chris: He doesn’t even have one medallion.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Blade: Trinity

Oh, and we also got an appearance by a vaguely heel Lord Alfred Hayes, who made fun of Todd’s name. And yeah, that was pretty much heel Alfred – he was never blatantly evil, just more like he got out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning.