Quotes: Harmless Villain

Fiction

I never tip, I butt in line
I never clean the dishes and it suits me fine
I'm so pleased, I'm such a sleaze
(This bad guy thing's a breeze!)
King K. Rool during a song in Donkey Kong Country
Your pranks are so miserable.

Plankton. One percent evil. Ninety-nine percent hot gas.

Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits! That's S...T...I...
Marv Merchants, Home Alone

Jake: These guys aren't a threat to anyone.
Finn: These guys are a threat to themselves.
Finn and Jake on the Cuties, Adventure Time ("Conquest of Cuteness")

Your penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tend to regard you as a bit of tool.
The Narrator, on Eridan Ampora, Homestuck

Guybrush: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.
Murray: ...Is it a really evil-looking doorstop?
Guybrush: Uh, never mind.

Laurie: Hey, you remember that guy? The one who pretended to be a supervillain so he could get beaten up? What was his name..? "Captain Carnage."
Dan: Yeah, he was one for the books.
Laurie: You're telling me. I remember I caught him coming out of this jeweler's... I didn't know what his racket was. I start hitting him and I think "Jeez, he's breathing funny! Does he have asthma?"
Dan: He tried that with me, only I'd heard about him, so I just walked away. He follows me down the street—broad daylight, right?—screaming "Punish me! PUNISH ME!" I'm like "No! Get lost!"
Laurie: Whatever happened to him?
Dan: Well, he pulled it on Rorschach, and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft.
(both laugh)

Ganon: Now how am I gonna get back at that jerk for everything he's done to me? Hmm, I could always kidnap the princess... nah, been there, done that. I could just go and kill him, but that wouldn't be evil enough... No, I must do something so utterly evil, he'll be all like, "Whoa dude, that was like totally evil!" I got it! I'll go punch him in the nose! That'll show him!
Bit: That's gotta be the worst idea I've ever heard!

What am I supposed to do, drop it in the road and wait for Kirby to trip over it?
King Dedede, about Blocky, Kirby: Right Back at Ya!

I am evil—stop laughing!
Veigar, the Tiny Master of Evil, League of Legends

Dr. Gevaarjlik: Heinz, evil doesn't have to be on a big scale. You can spread evil in the little things you do everyday.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You're right.
Dr. Gevaarjlik: BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT! You're a total failure!
Phineas and Ferb, "Oil On Candace"

In a city where death can be temporary, lunatic murderers are not treated with especial respect. Jack-of-Smiles is still dangerous. If he slices you into proper collops, you're not coming back. But a throat-cutting spree is not very much worse than a wasp's nest. It must be vexing for him.

Real Life

In real news, the Weather Underground bombs the US State Department, hurting absolutely nobody and generally continuing their reputation as the fluffy bunnies of the terrorist world.

'I, Voldemort, give you full permission to use the most evil of magics!' They're like, no, Voldemort! Not the ear magic! 'YES! BURN ALL THEIR FUCKIN' EARS!'

The Borrower's superpower was leaving signed documentation at the scene of all his robberies. That's like being a regular criminal only easier to convict — like, suspiciously easier. His escape vehicle is a chatty stroll and he's dressed like an embedded reporter in a war between leprechauns. If a rookie superhero saw The Borrower, he'd probably say, 'Oh, fuck. This is all some kind of Make a Wish Foundation stunt. I'm ... I'm dying, aren't I?'

The Dominators are masters of the ten galaxies…I bet those galaxies are a bit embarrassed about that.

I would like to submit that Aeon the Terrible is not very good at being terrible.
Mike Fireball in his review of Rudolph's Shiny New Year

A geeky, awkward research scientist turned flamboyant, rubber-faced idiot...His pseudo-sexual obsession with Bruce Wayne compels him to leave brain teasers for Bruce every now and then. Terrifying!

I genuinely love how she says that no one’s going to be able to protect them from the plants, and everybody just busts out laughing at her, and Gossip Gertie is all 'in Gotham, we’ve got Batman, so f*** you.' Gossip Gertie don’t shiv.
ComicsAlliance on Poison Ivy

And that's how Jason Took Manhattan. I guess he didn't really TAKE Manhattan, so much as...I don't know. Annoy it briefly? Strolled through it for about 3 minutes without hurting anybody? And then got killed in a really embarrassing fashion that doesn't make any sense? Heck he barely made an impact on Manhattan. What are the papers bound to say if they even run the story? 'JASON VOORHEES GOES ON RAMPAGE: DESTROYS BOOMBOX, NOBODY HURT.'

Mr. Hyde is not all that compelling in this movie. He is built up all during the first half (kind of like Harry Lime in The Third Man) where we only get glimpses and whispers of how evil he is. When we finally meet him we find he is not so much evil as just an asshole. He beats up a few people but the majority of his evil acts are insulting people and drawing penises in medical textbooks (I’m not kidding). Heck I can get that from any episode of House.
Miles Antwiler on Mary Reilly (1996)

Chris: Dracula in this movie definitely looks like the default version in a video game that allows you to customize your character. “…And Commander John Shepard as Dracula.”
David: There’s nothing Draculesque about him at all.
Chris: He doesn’t even have one medallion.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Blade: Trinity

Watching Thanos fail at obtaining an Infinity Stone has become as common as watching the Duke boys once again thwart Boss Hogg. And the thing is, it’s fun to watch the good guys win — and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win — but now I’ve started to feel a legitimate amount of sympathy for Thanos. Would it kill the universe just to let the guy have one Stone? I mean, it has been ten movies. What would one Stone hurt? Perhaps this is why Edgar Wright left Ant-Man? Maybe his grand idea was for poor Thanos to finally get himself a Stone. "Sorry, Edgar, that’s just never going to happen. We have to let you go now for even suggesting such a thing."

In all seriousness, it is funny to take stock of where all of the Stones are at this point and realize that after 20 hours of movie time, Thanos has managed to collect zero of them. (And he may have had one, but he gave that one to Loki, which just makes this all the worse if true: That would mean he’s actually down a Stone over the course of ten movies.) And, yes, I realize that by the time we see Thanos as the rumored marquee villain in The Avengers 3: Please Let Me Have An Infinity Stone, Love Thanos, he’ll probably have all of the Stones. And, to be honest, by that point, I might be rooting for him. His determination should be celebrated.

Oh, and we also got an appearance by a vaguely heel Lord Alfred Hayes, who made fun of Todd’s name. And yeah, that was pretty much heel Alfred – he was never blatantly evil, just more like he got out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning.

Piper has a contract that says he can appear, and threatens to sue. The PTB guy placates Piper just long enough to calm him down. PTB tells Piper that he'll be appearing on TV all right, but as a *lowly* referee...and if Piper doesn't go along, HE'LL get sued!

AHAHAHAHAHA! He fell for the old 'I'll piss you off so you let me be a ref, the most POWERFUL man in WCW!" routine! Second time this week...and if that doesn't work, PTB will show Piper - he'll demote him all the way down to COMMISSIONER!
DDT on WCW Monday Nitro 11.22.99