Quotes: Grumpy Old Man

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My kids say, 'He said to me, and I'm like and he's like and she's like'
'It's all, he's all, she's all'
I can't get behind that kind of, like, English
Yeah, and what about student drivers using my streets to learn?
If you learn to play the drums, you gotta go to a studio
I can't get behind a student driver
William Shatner, "I Can't Get Behind That"


You punks gotta realize, these 70 year old guys, most of them have been in a war, and you haven't.

    film - live-action 

My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing!! But he did it with honor! Dignity, damn it!

Never, never, interrupt me, OK? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for any reason.
Melvin, As Good As It Gets

    western animation 

Young Homer: You wouldn't understand, dad. You're not with it!
Abraham Simpson: I used to be 'with it'. But then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it', and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to YOU.
The Simpsons, "Homepalooza"

    video games 

You know the problem with the youth nowadays? They're YOUNG!

    web video 

Third Hokage: I can't believe it, Orochimaru, but you're making me resort to my ultimate attack, a forbidden jutsu passed down through the line of the Hokages!
Orochimaru: [Gasp] You don't mean...
Third Hokage: Yes! The Old Man Monologue Jutsu!

    web original 


You gosh darn millennials, you are the cause of all the issues here today. You arenít ambitious, but youíre also not trepidatious. Just writing that sentence required me to look up the meaning of the word trepidatious on three different sites just so I could try to figure out what Vince was meaning in his rant. Despite spending this time researching it, I still have no clue...Oh, and did we mention he now looks like Barney Fife?

That makes us really sad.

Okay, so Billy Crystalís words about how he thinks TV should calm down with showing so much gay sex were taken out of context. Billy never said that heís sick of TV shows shoving hot, hard, sweaty, long gay sex scenes in his face. He said that he doesnít really want to see ANY sex scenes, not just the gay ones. Remind me to never watch TV with Billy Crystal.

Tommy Lee Jones isn't the human Grumpy Cat. Grumpy Cat is the pussy Tommy Lee Jones.
DListed, "The Time Tommy Lee Jones Said 'I Hate You' To Jim Carrey In The Middle Of A Restaurant"

Ditka was a speaker at our high school's version of career day. The auditorium was packed and erupted with he walked on the stage. The first words out of his mouth were: 'You are all a bunch of spoiled brats.' Everyone started booing him and I don't remember anything else he said.

They can call each other "giants" but we have to call them "enlarged people" or something. That's how it works. They start out simple and then they just want to torture you, make you bend over backwards so you don't hurt any feelings. Before you know it, up is down, men are getting married to each other, and the Jets are hosting a Super Bowl.

When you get older, much of your hate comes from knowledge and experience, which is why really old people hate everyone.

Batman: The only thing I know of that can cut through her hide ain't in no World of Warcraft game. So how you like them apples, hippies? Can't stop rockets with your Starbucks and iPads, can you? Old guys win again! OLD GUYS WIN AGAIN!
Chris Sims, "Frank Miller Was a Cranky Old Man All Along"

It doesn't help that today's old-folks were raised at a time when it wasn't considered cool to talk about your problems in any kind of constructive way. You sucked it up and lived with it. If you committed suicide, they would literally call you a fag in the obituary. Well, if you 'suck it up' for 80 years it eventually just overflows onto everyone who walks past your house.

Tomorrow the tides will ebb and flow, the sun will rise, and Bill O'Reilly will be pissed off about something. I settled back on my couch and let it all wash over me. 'We are in the twilight zone. America has entered another dimension,' he began, and I gave out a small, satisfied sigh. Take me home, Bill, take me home.
John Haggerty, "My Personal Fox News Nightmare"

Snore, er what huh? Why have you awaken me, slave? What? My minions have forgotten about me? This shall not stand, fetch me my telegraph, I must pen a missive on the slatternly behaviors of the youthful whores who have had the unmitigated gall to be young and uninterested in sexist old men while I doze off into my twilight hours and thus should be punished!!! Er, I mean to say, something about math and statistics thatís impressively ignorant in order to try and handwave the real problem of rape. All right, Iíve completed my dictation, go slave and fetch my monetary recompense.
Sadly, No! rebuts George Will

He is a savage scoffer and merciless mocker (though hardly in a league with Hitchens). He is a commercial as well as a political success: Things That Matter briefly topped the New York Times best-seller list last fall. Facility in framing the conventional wisdom, however vacuous, with perfect assurance, indeed with an edge of impatience in one's voice that such truisms need to be explained at all, is a singular gift, and probably the supreme qualification for an op-ed columnist or talk-show guest.
Scott McLemee on Charles Krauthammer

    real life 

If men learn this, it will implant forgetfulness in their souls; they will cease to exercise memory because they rely on that which is written, calling things to remembrance no longer from within themselves, but by means of external marks. What you have discovered is a recipe not for memory, but for reminder. And it is no true wisdom that you offer your disciples, but only its semblance, for by telling them of many things without teaching them you will make them seem to know much, while for the most part they know nothing, and as men filled, not with wisdom, but with the conceit of wisdom, they will be a burden to their fellows.
Plato on the invention of writing

We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control.
—Ancient Egyptian tomb inscription

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

The Golden Past was never the Golden Present.
Benjamin Franklin (attributed)

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

No matter how golden an age, there will always be someone complaining that everything looks too yellow.
Randall Jarrell

Pull your pants up and act like a man!
Gene Hackman to Wes Anderson on the set of The Royal Tenenbaums

The world is in greater turmoil than at any time in my lifetime.
—Senator John McCain (AZ), on being born in 1936

We didn't have room for cute in my life. Things were tough every day of our lives. And we made the best of it. Frankly, that's why I'm driven the way I am. I was raised on neglect, anger and hate. I was raised the old-fashioned way.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS! MY DICK!
Lewis Black on lactose-free beverages

We don't need one show about cupcakes, as far as I'm concerned. But you know what, if you've got one, okay, that's fine, let's have a show about cupcakes. But does it have to be a fucking competition? Do you have to have Cupcake Wars? And I'm sure people who have been in war kind of take offense to that. Because seriously, it's not that goddamn dangerous to make a cupcake.
Billy Bob Thorton, Oprah's Master Class

Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly Ė itís not the best behavior. Everybody does that, whatís new about that? Itís just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women.
—Fashion designer Karl Lagerfield

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.
Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass