open/close all folders
"My kids say, 'He said to me, and I'm like and he's like and she's like'
'It's all, he's all, she's all'
I can't get behind that kind of, like, English
Yeah, and what about student drivers using my streets to learn?
If you learn to play the drums, you gotta go to a studio
Go to A PARKING LOT FOR GOD'S SAKE!! WHY ARE YOU JEOPARDIZING MY LIFE
I can't get behind a student driver"
—William Shatner, "I Can't Get Behind That"
"My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing!! But he did it with honor! Dignity, damn it!"
—Jetfire, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Young Homer: You wouldn't understand, dad. You're not with it!
Abraham Simpson: I used to be 'with it'. But then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it', and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to YOU.
—The Simpsons, "Homepalooza"
"You know the problem with the youth nowadays? They're YOUNG!"
—Jolee Bindo, Knights of the Old Republic
Grandpa: This never would've happened when I was a boy! You kids these days and your Millennium Items and your card games and your loud music and your hula hoops and your hopscotch and your dungarees and your lollipops and your Sony Playstations and your voice-activated light switches and your leather pants and your artificial insemination—
"If men learn this, it will implant forgetfulness in their souls; they will cease to exercise memory because they rely on that which is written, calling things to remembrance no longer from within themselves, but by means of external marks. What you have discovered is a recipe not for memory, but for reminder. And it is no true wisdom that you offer your disciples, but only its semblance, for by telling them of many things without teaching them you will make them seem to know much, while for the most part they know nothing, and as men filled, not with wisdom, but with the conceit of wisdom, they will be a burden to their fellows."
"We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control."
—Ancient Egyptian tomb inscription
"The Golden Past was never the Golden Present."
—Benjamin Franklin (attributed)
"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."
"No matter how golden an age, there will always be someone complaining that everything looks too yellow."
"Pull your pants up and act like a man!"
"You punks gotta realize, these 70 year old guys, most of them have been in a war, and you haven't."
"The world is in greater turmoil than at any time in my lifetime."
—Senator John McCain (AZ), on being born in 1936
"We didn't have room for cute in my life. Things were tough every day of our lives. And we made the best of it. Frankly, that's why I'm driven the way I am. I was raised on neglect, anger and hate. I was raised the old-fashioned way."
“Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS! MY DICK!”
—Lewis Black on lactose-free beverages
"We don't need one show about cupcakes, as far as I'm concerned. But you know what, if you've got one, okay, that's fine, let's have a show about cupcakes. But does it have to be a fucking competition? Do you have to have Cupcake Wars? And I'm sure people who have been in war kind of take offense to that. Because seriously, it's not that goddamn dangerous to make a cupcake."
—Billy Bob Thorton, Oprah's Master Class
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”
—Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
"Tommy Lee Jones isn't the human Grumpy Cat. Grumpy Cat is the pussy Tommy Lee Jones."
"Ditka was a speaker at our high school's version of career day. The auditorium was packed and erupted with he walked on the stage. The first words out of his mouth were: 'You are all a bunch of spoiled brats.' Everyone started booing him and I don't remember anything else he said."
—Deadspin, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Chicago Bears"
"When you get older, much of your hate comes from knowledge and experience, which is why really old people hate everyone."
Batman: The only thing I know of that can cut through her hide ain't in no World of Warcraft game. So how you like them apples, hippies? Can't stop rockets with your Starbucks and iPads, can you? Old guys win again! OLD GUYS WIN AGAIN!
"It doesn't help that today's old-folks were raised at a time when it wasn't considered cool to talk about your problems in any kind of constructive way. You sucked it up and lived with it. If you committed suicide, they would literally call you a fag in the obituary. Well, if you 'suck it up' for 80 years it eventually just overflows onto everyone who walks past your house."
"Tomorrow the tides will ebb and flow, the sun will rise, and Bill O'Reilly will be pissed off about something. I settled back on my couch and let it all wash over me. 'We are in the twilight zone. America has entered another dimension,' he began, and I gave out a small, satisfied sigh. Take me home, Bill, take me home."
"Snore, er what huh? Why have you awaken me, slave? What? My minions have forgotten about me? This shall not stand, fetch me my telegraph, I must pen a missive on the slatternly behaviors of the youthful whores who have had the unmitigated gall to be young and uninterested in sexist old men while I doze off into my twilight hours and thus should be punished!!! Er, I mean to say, something about math and statistics that’s impressively ignorant in order to try and handwave the real problem of rape. All right, I’ve completed my dictation, go slave and fetch my monetary recompense."
—Sadly, No! rebuts George Will
"He is a savage scoffer and merciless mocker (though hardly in a league with Hitchens). He is a commercial as well as a political success: Things That Matter briefly topped the New York Times best-seller list last fall. Facility in framing the conventional wisdom, however vacuous, with perfect assurance, indeed with an edge of impatience in one's voice that such truisms need to be explained at all, is a singular gift, and probably the supreme qualification for an op-ed columnist or talk-show guest."
—Scott McLemee on Charles Krauthammer