Quotes: Glurge

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Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline, where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside. They're dead. And that'll be our lives.
Lois, Family Guy

If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Kristoffer: ... And know this, as the swallow twittered beneath the eaves, this is not adieu, but au revoir!
Finur: Thanks for your words. May they be your last. Thanks for sentimentality so nauseating that no living creature could possibly take it seriously.
Ravn: ... *SOB!*

"J. Michael Straczynski wrote a comic book explaining the WTC tragedy from superheroes' perspective. And in it, Dr. Doom cried. Yes, the evil mastermind who shot the Fantastic Four's building into space and who contributes to 80 percent of the world's daily robodeath ...he was really broken up by this slight variation of his every waking moment."

The Bucket List is a movie about two old codgers who are nothing like people, both suffering from cancer that is nothing like cancer, and setting off on adventures that are nothing like possible. I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens.

I would always read about filmmaking in the 70's and the various New Waves and about how they were rebelling against the old Hollywood. I would read that, but I don’t think I fully understood until I finally saw Hello, Dolly! This is the most phoney movie I have seen in a long long time. Everything about this movie is fake and false. There are no genuine emotions, only people badly acting emotions. Like a defective stepford wife, they portray creepy toothy grins that show more an alien understanding of happiness than anything real. The characters talk and talk and talk and talk and talk over the most useless crap. Much like Ichi the Killer, I felt like sticking pins in my ears to make the pain go away. This is like four hours of Three's Company crammed into a two and a half hour movie; its too much crap crammed in too long a run time for a movie.
Miles Antwiler on Hello, Dolly!

For about the next three minutes, we watch Forrest basically torture Big Mike. Since all of Seagal’s 'characters' are utterly unbeatable, we know that Big Mike won’t even be able to touch Forrest as he slowly decimates him... Then, in one of the most amazing jaw-droppers in movie history, Seagal confronts the bloodied, brutalized and weaving Big Mike, now just barely conscious. 'What does it take,' Forrest asks his victim, 'to change the essence of a man?' Big Mike answers, 'Time,' and then begins sobbing. 'I need time.' Seagal nods sagely. 'Me, too,' he replies. (Personally, I need an antacid.)
Jabootu on On Deadly Ground

Johnny Depp leers at a little girl and basically sings about raping her, which is subversive because … I guess because it's a musical? So long as you sing about child rape, it's mere whimsy, I guess. Broadway makes no sense to me.
Drew Magary, "The Hater's Guide to the 2015 Oscars"

Gasoline Alley has spent the past few months on an extremely mawkish story about a dying little boy with a wacky parrot sidekick who just wants to operate a real life steam locomotive before he kicks it. I’m a guy who loves trains and isn’t in favor of little children dying of mysterious diseases, and yet am wholly unmoved by all this, mostly because the lad has been introduced to us already pre-dying, a transparent spectacle for our emotional catharsis. 'I’ll remember this the…' [SIGNIFICANT PAUSE TO REMIND YOU THAT THE NEXT PHRASE IS POIGNANT AND SIGNIFICANT] '…rest of my life! Come here, parrot, give me a big hug! WEEP FOR ME, ENGINEER-MAN!'

Peter Engel’s productions (California Dreams, Hang Time, City Guys) are cultural touchstones for at least an entire generation, of which, Saved by the Bell is the most interesting and most well-remembered. Essentially a weekly, 22 minute morality play, painted in broad, day-glo, strokes by a gurning cast, it plays like the grand emotions of the teenage years it portrays, with an audience who whoops and woos at every hallway zinger and peck on the cheek. Bayside is a world where the bad kid who takes up smoking will be dead from lung cancer within the same day, and where never-before-seen characters appear as heavy-handed moral-cyphers, greeted like old friends, never to be referred to again once the credits roll.
Stuart Millard on Saved by the Bell

Nick asks LaCroix to make Tracy forget that Vachon died or that she ever loved him; to have her remember that he was a good friend—a vampire—who decided to move on.

Wut. Why?? Why erase the 'love' part but let her keep the 'vampire' thing? Wouldn't you want to do the opposite of it? Or none at all, you jerkass?"

Voyager is running out of food and the ship that stole all of their equipment is packed to the gills with nutrition. Janeway in her divine wisdom decides to keep her morals intact and leave the food that isn’t theirs. It's nice to know that when they are starving to death she can keep her head held high.
Joe Ford on Star Trek: Voyager, "The Void"

Archer’s position is very stereotypically Star Trek. It’s a philosophy that argues humanity are fundamentally brilliant, and so should behave in a manner that befits being so fundamentally brilliant. It’s a philosophy that comes dangerously close to evoking Gene Roddenberry’s simplistic utopianism, indicating that mankind is wired with a fundamental decency that is almost unique in the entire cosmos...When Travis questions Archer’s decision to meddle in Ryan’s command of the freighter, Archer has a philosophical justification handy. “Human beings have a code of behaviour that applies whether they’re Starfleet officers or space boomers, and it isn’t driven by revenge,” he lectures Travis. “Just because someone isn’t born on Earth doesn’t make him any less human.” Apparently Ryan doesn’t have any right to make his own decisions. He is a human, dammit, and humans act the way that Archer expects them too.
Darren Mooney on Star Trek: Enterprise, "Fortunate Son"

This is the point at which I gave up on Enterprise so many, many times before, because I simply could not endure it, and I didn't even feel generous enough to close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears and wait for it to pass. Every time I heard this song, my capacity for goodwill was instantaneously drained by the drivel that is the lyrics—with its nonsensical cheese-and-corn combo that's supposed to incite pride and wonder and inspiration, but simply has me reaching for the sick bag. And that's before we even get to the revolting montage of technological achievements of, well, America, which takes us right back to horrid Space Race-era politics, and that nauseating brand of patriotism for which many criticise Star Trek.
The Agony Booth on the theme to Star Trek: Enterprise

Up to the very end, almost everything Lex said in this show was right, certainly more so than the petulant whining or trite platitudes that vomited out of Tom Welling’s face.
Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Finale")

Peter is the sort of person who will try to mind control his fiancee to make sure she does what he wants. No matter how much you handwave away the 'but she wasn’t mind controlled when she agreed to the proposal,' you still have Sarah Jane professing her genuine love to someone who fucking sci-fi raped her, which, no. Just no. We’ve praised The Sarah Jane Adventures in the past for its ethics, but this is absolutely horrific. There is no standard whatsoever by which knowingly attempting to covertly mind control your bride to be is not horrific abuse, and this story normalizes it so that the abuser can get a stirring speech about how Sarah Jane made him into a better person. It’s absolutely appalling.

"Did you know that there's a new family-audience feature film that implies God nuked Japan because one plucky American moppet dared to dream? That's no exaggeration. (...) That God, always eager to smite foreign cities if you just believe!"
Alan Scherstuhl from The Village Voice, on the movie "Little Boy"