Quotes / Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist

    The Ballad of the Demo of Freddy Pharkas 
When the West was wild and lawless,
There was once a druggist, brave and flawless,
Named Freddy Pharkas,
A champion through and through.

Now his life's the stuff of stories,
Of computer games with inventories,
Puzzles and graphics, and twisted humor too.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Showing you how the West was fun,
Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Pharmacist with a gun.

Freddy's fable is an earful:
Back when men were men and sheep were fearful,
Folks down in Coarsegold were headin' downhill fast.

Then a villain, spreading mayhem,
Comes to town and tries to scare away them,
Can Freddy save them, and reconcile his past?

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Hiding out from his own dark youth,
Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Stands for justice and truth.

Now the game of Freddy Pharkas
Is from old Al Lowe, who made his mark as
Dad and designer of Larrys one through five.

But while Larry's slightly dirty,
Freddy isn't anywhere as nerdy,
Short, lewd or balding, nor pushing forty-five.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Digitized and in VGA.
Freddy Pharkas. Freddy Pharkas.
Saddle up and let's play.

    The Ballad of Freddy Pharkas 
He was born in old St. Louie,
By the age of four Dad knew he was the
Best little crackshot the West had ever seen.

By the time he reached pubescence,
He could outshoot all the adolescents
West of Durango and North of Abilene.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Famous gunslingin' deputy.
Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,
Frontier hero-to-be.

Then one day young Freddy Pharkas
Stared at eyes as black and dark as Night, the
Eyes of an outlaw, well-known throughout the West.

Oh, the tough kid's name was Kenny,
And he outdrew Freddy Pharkas when he
Shot Freddy's ear off, to prove who was the best.

Now our hero, Freddy Pharkas,
With his wounded pride and earless carcass,
Vowed to the heavens to give up gunnery.

He'd be better off, he reckoned,
With the lifelong dream that always beckoned:
Pestles, not pistols, and pharmacology.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,
Highest score on his S.A.T.,
Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,
Five-year college degree.

After Fred matriculated,
Got his Ph.D. and graduated,
Moved out to Coarsegold and bought a pharmacy,

He's a real prescription writer,
And they don't know he's an ex-gunfighter,
Locked up his mem'ries, repressed them totally.

But his peaceful new survival
Soon was shot to hell upon arrival
Of Coarsegold's schoolmarm, the sweet Penelope.

She had captured Fred's affection,
But he's scared he'll get a huge... rejection,
Can't bear to tell her just what he used to be.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Frontier Pharmacist bourgeoisie,
Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Peerless, earless and free!

    The Ballad of the End of the Game of Freddy Pharkas 
Now the whole town still remembers
How the old schoolhouse was blown to embers
Though Miss Primm's body was never, ever found.
Since the sheriff and the banker
Made the folks of Coarsegold red with anger,
They tarred and feathered and ran 'em out of town.

And Srini? He became an ordinary Rexall tepee shaman
Down on the Pecos, where Injun hearts still burn.
While the townsfolk, safe from danger
Talk about that silver-earlobed stranger:
Where did he come from?
And when will he return?

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Black gold fields were his legacy.
Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.
Peerless, earless and free!