The Ballad of Freddy Pharkas
- He was born in old St. Louie,By the age of four Dad knew he was theBest little crackshot the West had ever seen.By the time he reached pubescence,He could outshoot all the adolescentsWest of Durango and North of Abilene.Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.Famous gunslingin' deputy.Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,Frontier hero-to-be.Then one day young Freddy PharkasStared at eyes as black and dark as Night, theEyes of an outlaw, well-known throughout the West.Oh, the tough kid's name was Kenny,And he outdrew Freddy Pharkas when heShot Freddy's ear off, to prove who was the best.Now our hero, Freddy Pharkas,With his wounded pride and earless carcass,Vowed to the heavens to give up gunnery.He'd be better off, he reckoned,With the lifelong dream that always beckoned:Pestles, not pistols, and pharmacology.Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,Highest score on his S.A.T.,Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas,Five-year college degree.After Fred matriculated,Got his Ph.D. and graduated,Moved out to Coarsegold and bought a pharmacy,He's a real prescription writer,And they don't know he's an ex-gunfighter,Locked up his mem'ries, repressed them totally.But his peaceful new survivalSoon was shot to hell upon arrivalOf Coarsegold's schoolmarm, the sweet Penelope.She had captured Fred's affection,But he's scared he'll get a huge... rejection,Can't bear to tell her just what he used to be.Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.Frontier Pharmacist bourgeoisie,Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.Peerless, earless and free!
The Ballad of the End of the Game of Freddy Pharkas
- Now the whole town still remembersHow the old schoolhouse was blown to embersThough Miss Primm's body was never, ever found.Since the sheriff and the bankerMade the folks of Coarsegold red with anger,They tarred and feathered and ran 'em out of town.And Srini? He became an ordinary Rexall tepee shamanDown on the Pecos, where Injun hearts still burn.While the townsfolk, safe from dangerTalk about that silver-earlobed stranger:Where did he come from?And when will he return?Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.Black gold fields were his legacy.Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas.Peerless, earless and free!