"Surely one would have had to eaten a lot of paste to require a special tutorial to how that you use the right analog stick to move. Can we maybe take that as understood if the player has gotten as far as holding the controller with their hands rather than their buttcheeks?"
Raiden: Bugs? But there was nothing about bugs in the VR sim!
Colonel: Calm down, Raiden, you'll be fine. Just take a deep breath by pressing the Circle button until your lungs are full. Then, when your blood is saturated with oxygen, press the Square button to exhale.
Raiden: Er, I mastered breathing a while back.
Colonel: Now to begin your mission. Walk forward by tilting the Control Stick in the direction you wish to move.
Raiden: Look, you don't have to explain every single—
Colonel: To cause your heart to pump blood to your body, tap the R3 Button in a steady rhythm.
Raiden: Okay! I think I can manage—
Gabe: Oh, for fuck's sake. I know how to jump, Kingdom Hearts! I'm good at jumping! I jump all the time. Gimme my fucking keyblade!
Nintendo DS: The microphone has detected bursts of profanity. Would you like to skip this incredibly long tutorial?
Gabe: Yes! A thousand times yes!
Nintendo DS: Before you can skip the Tutorial, you will need to complete the Tutorial Skipping Tutorial.
I was the brightest in my unit got the tightest of training
So why am I down on the range learning basic aiming?
Guess I must have got my screws knocked loose in a fight
Cause I donít even remember how to aim down sights
—Miracle Of Sound, Shooter Guy
"I fucking hate tutorials...and this one is terrible!"
—Rex "Power" Colt, Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon