Mal: I don't believe there is a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful. Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.

Kaylee: Compression coil busts, we're drifting...
Mal: Best not bust, then.

Zoe: If they take the ship, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins into their clothing, and if we're very very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

Dobson: (holds a gun to River's head and uses her as a shield) "I'm not playing anymore. If anyone so much as moves-"
Mal: (walks in and casually shoots Dobson in the eye)

Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well... that'll be an interesting day.

Mal: Darn.

Mal: I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.

Simon: "I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town."

Jayne: "You all think somebody's just gonna drop money on ya? Money they could use? Well there ain't people like that!... There's just people like me!"

Badger: 'Course you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I got my hands on a couple.
Jayne/Mal: (chuckling)
Badger: ...Of invites!

Atherton: Half of these men wish you were draped on their arm.
Inara: Only half? I must be losing my undefinable allure.
Atherton: Not so undefinable - all of them wish they were in your bed.

Jayne: What we need is a diversion... I say Zoe gets nekkid.
Wash: No.
Jayne: I could get nekkid.
Everyone: No!

Mal: Sure, it's humiliating. Having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. (Stabs Atherton in the side.) Guess I'm just a good man. (Stabs him again.) Well, I'm all right.

Wash: "I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?"
Mal: "Probably not talk quite so much."

Wash: "I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey."
Mal: "Listen, you... She swore to obey?"
Wash: "Well, no, but...But that's just my point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose! "

Mal: "That's not true! There's plenty of orders of mine that she didn't obey!"
Wash: "Name one!"
Mal: "She married YOU!!"

Zoe: Preacher, don't The Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?

Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

Zoe: This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No, it's not!
Zoe: Oh. (starts firing)

Mal: I know it's a difficult mission... but you and I... have to get it on.
Zoe: Alright... I understand. Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Now something about that's just downright unsettling.
Wash: (grabs Zoe) We'll be in our bunk!