"Man, making new content is hard. Making fetchquests is EASY, though!"
"If there's one thing we're good at, it's finding weird objects!"
— Serah Final Fantasy XIII-2
"This part of the game is based on the episode "A Piece of the Action" where they travel back in time to 1920's Earth. first you gotta find a library card, then you gotta get back your lost communicator and you zap two guys find a diamond you exchange it with the shop owner for a marked deck of cards, then you find a bone on the sidewalk and a gumball from some guy with a dog, then you find a hair pin, then you find a stick, you gotta put the gumball on the end of the stick, put it in the gutter and fish out some coins, then you talk to a bartender and get Oxmyx's phone number, give him the diamond in exchange in exchange for some plates, you take the plates to the police, use the hairpin and the bone to open up the door, find counterfeit money, use the coins on the phone booth, give the operator the number, go in to talk to Oxymyx about the communicator, he tells you to go to Cracklin's place, he tells you Bonehead Malone has the communicator, you go to the casino, you give Bonehead the money, you give him your marked deck of cards and you get the communicator!!" (pulls out cartridge and points phaser at it)
Maxwell: We're gonna take this element from gameplay and turn it into a fun, real-life exercise. Ready?
pipes!: What're we doing?
Maxwell: Get me a beer, it's in the fridge.
Ferr: ...Okay. (walks off) THERE'S DRAGONS IN HERE!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!
Maxwell: [...] Did you find beer in there?
Ferr: Uh, no.
Maxwell: Oh. Turns out the beer is at the liquor store, and the quest is now to go to the liquor store and get me some beer.
Ferr: Right, um-
Maxwell: I've heard rumors of a liquor store to the south.
pipes!: Wait-wait-wait-wait, how's he gonna get there? Can he drive your car?
Maxwell: He can fast-travel.
pipes!: That's like driving a car, right? Doesn't he need a key to drive the car to go to the liquor store?
Maxwell: He needs the magical Key of the Kings. It's infused with the power of Heavenly Ӕthera, Goddess of Nightmoons.
Evek: And that key is somewhere to the north.
Ferr: Forget this!
Maxwell: Just go the liquor store, it's not like the liquor store is gonna be under siege by demons and dinosaurs from another dimension.
"Remember when we were going through the Egg Corridor and everything had meaning? And now we're collecting puppies. I kinda feel like somewhere, we missed the point. Is the puppy collection necessary? Why can't you keep your eye on your own puppies?"
"Granted, Final Fantasy's story wouldn't exactly lend itself to any other media: TONIGHT ON HBO PRESENTS FINAL FANTASY! A little red man must deliver the CROWN to Astos so he'll drop the CRYSTAL which he must return to Matoya in exchange for her most potent HERB! Will the potent HERB revive the Elf Prince so he'll give the little red man the MYSTIC KEY to unlock the treasure room containing the TNT? Guest-starring James Gandolfini!"
—Pat R., "Final Fantasy Uber Alles"