Quotes: Family-Unfriendly Aesop

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Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

The world is, generally and on balance, a better place to live this year than it was last year. For instance: I didn't have this gun last year.
Spider Jerusalem, Transmetropolitan

At first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again!
Officer Barbrady, South Park

Dogbert: I quit my job as a used car salesman.
Dilbert: Because you couldn't keep lying?
Dogbert: No, the lying was good. I liked that part.
Dilbert: Was it because crime doesn't pay?
Dogbert: I made $400,000 this week. I'm retired now.
Dilbert: I don't think this will ever be a Reader's Digest Special Story.

Thomas: Ed, I feel like I need to apologize to you.
Ed: Seriously? Why?
Thomas: I haven't set a good example for you today.
Ed: Oh, like the thing with the kid earlier?
Thomas: Of course not. That comes with the territory. What I should have done was stress the importance of not getting caught.
Ed: There we go, that's what I was waiting for.

...And that was Pressing Issues. I think we covered a lot of ground. We learned all about how to press the issue. And remember, if at first you don't get hurt, beat the guy very hard in the face with a paperweight. It just worked for me, and I feel like a million dollars!
Maurice Chavez, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

Kill one person, and you can solve so many problems. I wonder at the possibilities.
Runa Fair-Shield, after seeing you dispose of Grelod the Kind, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.

You should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or because they're Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
Church, Red vs. Blue

I mean, what kind of idiotic writer tells children that it's okay to be continuously playing pranks on everyone? We're raising a generation of assholes, that's what we're doing.

A game that makes children believe in a world of fantasy where battleships, thimbles, and hats are sentient and can own property. On the plus side, it raises the children to be investors and big-business types, which may not be on the plus side according to your views.

Monopoly made the child grow up to be a CEO who also thought he was a car.

I don't believe you should always go along with the group. What about thinking for yourself? What about developing your own personality and viewpoint? What about doing things because you decide they're the right thing to do, not because the majority ruled and you got outvoted? We weren't allowed to teach any of that. We had to teach kids to join gangs. And then to do whatever the rest of the gang wanted to do. What a stupid thing to teach children.
Mark Evanier, writer of Garfield and Friends

When Lisa vows she’ll never take a stupid risk ever again, Homer slams the brakes and informs her otherwise, claiming that stupid risks make life worth living, and that’s why he has so many crazy adventures. So yeah, instead of being an average American man who has dramatic and absurd scenarios befall him (which is part of the reason why they’re funny), now he’s Captain Wacky, actively doing stupid things on impulse...even Lisa in-universe seems kind of perturbed by her father’s statements.

In our last episode, Wolverine got tired of constantly being on edge and almost murdering teens, so he did what all ultra turbonerds do in times of stress and went to Japan. Shockingly, he almost instantly got caught up in a web of super-powered trouble, stumbling across the Silver Samurai’s attempt to extort a dirt-poor fishing village so that he could get... Man, I don’t even know. Fish, I suppose. Point is, Wolverine learned that it’s okay to stab people to death, as long as they’re the right people, and I think we can all learn a little something from that.
Chris Sims on X-Men ("Love in Vain")

Naturally, the Cold War itself is used as a metaphor – the notion of two competing ideologies at war, unable to take into account the simple idea that living creatures are all basically worthy of existence. There’s cultural relativism at play here, and the Doctor is clearly shown to have a great deal of respect for the values of Ice Warrior culture. Which feels just a little out of character...the Doctor is nonplussed (and still in a peaceful and understanding mindset) when Skaldak is perfectly willing to brutally murder the innocent population of Earth to protect his 'honour'? This is a weird example of (Mark) Gatiss’ trademark tone-deaf-ness. The Unquiet Dead has some unfortunately xenophobic undertones. The Idiot’s Lantern asks us to feel sorry for an abusive bully because he happens to be a blood relation. Here, we’re asked to accept the Doctor is okay with cold-blooded murder because it’s conducted according to an Ice Warrior’s code of honour.

Lawrence Miles, enfant terrible of the late Wilderness Years, famously and controversially lambasted 'The Unquiet Dead' for its alleged xenophobia. The argument went that the episode went to great lengths to have the Doctor refute Rose's objections to the aliens being allowed to use human cadavers as bodies only to prove Rose right when the aliens really do turn out to be evil. At the time, I largely sided against Miles, suggesting that he was making a reading of the episode that no actual viewer would make, and thus was talking in a vacuum.

Which brings us to 'The Gift'... it turns out that the aliens are in fact irredeemably evil — so evil, in fact, that Sarah Jane has to kill them — and we get a final monologue about how there are some good aliens, while offering an overall moral that suspicion and paranoia are the correct way to treat people who are different than us until proven otherwise.
Phil Sandifer on The Sarah Jane Adventures

The way Janeway remains unseen for over ten minutes into the episode made me wonder if Chakotay hadn’t murdered her and was just covering for the fact that she was lying dead in her quarters! The truth is even more chilling as we finally get to see her, brooding in private and questioning every decision she has ever made since they entered the Delta Quadrant...I don’t get why she is agonising over a moment of compassion that help to save an entire species. Get over it, love! Apparently she won't make that mistake again, so I hope there aren’t any civilisations in trouble out there next in line for Voyager to get home because she would be ‘see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya’ Janeway!
Doc Oho on Star Trek: Voyager, "Night"

...And we all learned the lesson that stabbing someone in the back will likely lead to getting to motorboat one of your female co-workers(?).
SFDebris on Star Trek: Enterprise, "Shadowsof P'Jem"

Don’t be too quick to thank a soldier today, America: you could be talking to one of the really shitty ones! This is your Veteran’s Day message from Beetle Bailey, America’s foremost military-themed comic strip.

Let this be a lesson to you: Men and women can't be friends. Every single guy (or girl) she talks to, she's banging.
Todd in the Shadows, "One Hit Wonderland" ("Just a Friend")

If you come across a damsel in distress, surprise, she's not. She wanted you to come close so she could yank you off your horse and ride away laughing...The first time a woman in Red Dead did this to me, I shot her off and started putting every bullet I owned into her face. Faces don't even have a word for what I did to her. About 20 bullets in, my girlfriend woke up from her nap and asked what the hell I was doing. I explained that I wanted everyone, even the coyotes eating this bitch's remains to know the penalty for horse thievin'. She mumbled something about crazy, but I wasn't listening. Paying attention to women was how I got into this whole corpse-mutilating pickle in the first place.

Y'know, it's true: Reading really does open up a rainbow of imagination—and also blood, horror and MURDER!
Noah Antwiler, Let's Riff Ripper

Now onto the message of the movie. The movie’s message is clear as Anne Bancroft flat out says it. All you need to cure cancer (and all diseases) are faith. Yes people, if you are dying of cancer it’s only because you people don’t BELIEVE enough. Oh and doctors like [Woody] Harrelson’s character that want to cure people and heal them; they are the REAL problem. Don’t be fooled, they are the ones really making you sick. Can you really think of anything more grotesque or malicious? Saying the Haitians made a deal with the devil is pretty bad not quite in my opinion. It is moronic but coming from the source you are not surprised. You are surprised when you are torpedoed by the message of The Sunchaser.
Miles Antwiler on The Sunchaser (1996)

The message of the movie, I guess, is that two homegirls can find wealth and happiness if only they wear blonde wigs, get rid of those gold teeth and country vocabularies, and are nice to rich old white men.
Roger Ebert reviews B.A.P.S.

So all is well, and it turns out Bernie actually stole $3 million and not just two, so they get to live happily ever after as criminals who've learned nothing during the film's duration! Oh look, and Bernie is still dead.

So, it's better to speculate about doing good than actually doing it!
Crow, Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost

Marriage smooths out all of your relationship's wrinkles, you know? Living with someone and all of their issues would never exacerbate small problems or re-hash old demons. That NEVER happens.

I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know!

So don't worry, girls. Some kind of 'Fairy Godmother' will sweep into your life at any moment, and find you a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!

I think I get the message of the story. Christianity is good, and most, if not all, women are evil skanks who should die. And so do anyone else who celebrate any other religion. And bands that are supposedly "evil". And women in power, gays, and those who have disabilities.

That is one fucked-up message.
— From Arcadiarika's liveblog of The Evil Gods I

“Let this be a lesson, kids.” Steel said, “Stealing is a-okay and if anyone calls you out on it, feel free to have them punished in absolutely horrible ways.”