Quotes: Family-Unfriendly Aesop

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    Comic Books 

The world is, generally and on balance, a better place to live this year than it was last year. For instance: I didn't have this gun last year.
Spider Jerusalem, Transmetropolitan

    Film — Live-Action 

[eulogizing] Big Jim was a mentor to me. When I was a kid, he caught me stealin' hubcaps off his car; he said, 'Hubcaps? Kid, don't waste your time stealing the hubcaps — steal the whole car.
Robbo, Robin and the Seven Hoods

    Live-action TV 

Have you learned nothing from this case?! Books are bad for your health!
Lewis, "Indelible Stain"

It's because they knew you were an honorable man. The kind of person who would do the right thing regardless of the circumstances. And now your integrity... is going to get us both killed. I hope you're happy.
Quark to Odo, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ("Civil Defense")

So, it's better to speculate about doing good than actually doing it!
Crow, Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost

    Newspapers 

The message of the movie, I guess, is that two homegirls can find wealth and happiness if only they wear blonde wigs, get rid of those gold teeth and country vocabularies, and are nice to rich old white men.
Roger Ebert reviews B.A.P.S.

    Newspaper Comics 

Dogbert: I quit my job as a used car salesman.
Dilbert: Because you couldn't keep lying?
Dogbert: No, the lying was good. I liked that part.
Dilbert: Was it because crime doesn't pay?
Dogbert: I made $400,000 this week. I'm retired now.
Dilbert: I don't think this will ever be a Reader's Digest Special Story.

    Video Games 

... And that was Pressing Issues. I think we covered a lot of ground. We learned all about how to press the issue. And remember, if at first you don't get hurt, beat the guy very hard in the face with a paperweight. It just worked for me, and I feel like a million dollars!
Maurice, Pressing Issues

Kill one person, and you can solve so many problems. I wonder at the possibilities.
Runa Fair-Shield, after seeing you dispose of Grelod the Kind, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

    Web Animation 

You should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or because they're Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
Church, Red vs. Blue

    Webcomics 

Thomas: Ed, I feel like I need to apologize to you.
Ed: Seriously? Why?
Thomas: I haven't set a good example for you today.
Ed: Oh, like the thing with the kid earlier?
Thomas: Of course not. That comes with the territory. What I should have done was stress the importance of not getting caught.
Ed: There we go, that's what I was waiting for.

    Web Original 

Peppermint Patty gets quoted for "The world is full of beautiful plants and flowers, but I'm just an ugly weed. I'm a poor ugly weed trying to push her way up through the sidewalk of life!" That is linked to the uplifting message “"Be Real." Ah, the negative self image is a virtue!
The AAUGH Blog on the Peanuts book Be Unique

A game that makes children believe in a world of fantasy where battleships, thimbles, and hats are sentient and can own property. On the plus side, it raises the children to be investors and big-business types, which may not be on the plus side according to your views.

Monopoly made the child grow up to be a CEO who also thought he was a car.

"Jesus Christ," said Richman, taking in the overwhelming volume of useless crap he's actively listened to over the years. "My whole life I've made a concerted effort to give people a fair shake and understand different points of view because I felt that everyone had something valuable to offer, but it turns out most of what they had to offer was complete bullshit."

"Seriously," Richman added, "what have I gained from treating everyone's opinion with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

When Lisa vows she’ll never take a stupid risk ever again, Homer slams the brakes and informs her otherwise, claiming that stupid risks make life worth living, and that’s why he has so many crazy adventures. So yeah, instead of being an average American man who has dramatic and absurd scenarios befall him (which is part of the reason why they’re funny), now he’s Captain Wacky, actively doing stupid things on impulse.

Point is, Wolverine learned that it’s okay to stab people to death, as long as they’re the right people, and I think we can all learn a little something from that.
Chris Sims on X-Men ("Love in Vain")

I don’t get why she is agonising over a moment of compassion that help to save an entire species. Get over it, love! Apparently she won't make that mistake again, so I hope there aren’t any civilisations in trouble out there, because she would be ‘see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya’ Janeway!

Don’t be too quick to thank a soldier today, America: you could be talking to one of the really shitty ones! This is your Veteran’s Day message from Beetle Bailey, America’s foremost military-themed comic strip.

If you come across a damsel in distress, surprise, she's not. She wanted you to come close so she could yank you off your horse and ride away laughing... The first time a woman in Red Dead did this to me, I shot her off and started putting every bullet I owned into her face. Faces don't even have a word for what I did to her. About 20 bullets in, my girlfriend woke up from her nap and asked what the hell I was doing. I explained that I wanted everyone, even the coyotes eating this bitch's remains to know the penalty for horse thievin'. She mumbled something about crazy, but I wasn't listening. Paying attention to women was how I got into this whole corpse-mutilating pickle in the first place.

Yes people, if you are dying of cancer it’s only because you people don’t BELIEVE enough. Oh and doctors like [Woody] Harrelson’s character that want to cure people and heal them; they are the REAL problem. Don’t be fooled, they are the ones really making you sick. Can you really think of anything more grotesque or malicious? Saying the Haitians made a deal with the devil is pretty bad not quite in my opinion. It is moronic but coming from the source you are not surprised. You are surprised when you are torpedoed by the message of The Sunchaser.
Miles Antwiler on The Sunchaser (1996)

So don't worry, girls. Some kind of 'Fairy Godmother' will sweep into your life at any moment, and find you a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!

Finally, a war movie that says that war is good, and that war has closure so long as you ice the sniper on the other team, and that you can TOTALLY shake off PTSD if you just, like, go out into the woods with a couple of crippled vets and fire some guns. GUNS: IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN'T DO?!
Drew Magary, "The Hates Guide to the 2015 Oscars"

I think I get the message of the story. Christianity is good, and most, if not all, women are evil skanks who should die. And so do anyone else who celebrate any other religion. And bands that are supposedly "evil". And women in power, gays, and those who have disabilities.

That is one fucked-up message.
— From Arcadiarika's liveblog of The Evil Gods I

“Let this be a lesson, kids.” Steel said, “Stealing is a-okay and if anyone calls you out on it, feel free to have them punished in absolutely horrible ways.”

    Web Video 

Hey, kids! Gambling is GOOD for you! Gamble CONSTANTLY!
Noah Antwiler on Final Fantasy VIII's card battles

Janeway: We're in this situation because we shared technology with Hirogen to begin with.
Chuck: (nasally Janeway imitation) And we've learned the valuable lesson sharing is bad.
Janeway: I won't make the same mistake twice.
Chuck: My idea of dealing with a problem is killing whomever it affected.
SFDebris on Star Wars: Voyager, "Flesh and Blood"

Let this be a lesson to you: Men and women can't be friends. Every single guy (or girl) she talks to, she's banging.
Todd in the Shadows, "One Hit Wonderland" ("Just a Friend")

So all is well, and it turns out Bernie actually stole $3 million and not just two, so they get to live happily ever after as criminals who've learned nothing during the film's duration! Oh look, and Bernie is still dead.

I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know!

    Western Animation 

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

At first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again!
Officer Barbrady, South Park

SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.

I mean, what kind of idiotic writer tells children that it's okay to be continuously playing pranks on everyone? We're raising a generation of assholes, that's what we're doing.

Man, revenge is underrated, that felt awesome!
Dipper Pines, Gravity Falls

    Real Life 

I don't believe you should always go along with the group. What about thinking for yourself? What about developing your own personality and viewpoint? What about doing things because you decide they're the right thing to do, not because the majority ruled and you got outvoted? We weren't allowed to teach any of that. We had to teach kids to join gangs. And then to do whatever the rest of the gang wanted to do. What a stupid thing to teach children.
Mark Evanier, writer of Garfield and Friends