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Quotes: Family-Unfriendly Aesop
"Pay no attention to these hypocrites, Neo. To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human."
Mouser, The Matrix

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

"At first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I'm never reading again!"
Officer Barbrady, South Park

Dogbert: I quit my job as a used car salesman.
Dilbert: Because you couldn't keep lying?
Dogbert: No, the lying was good. I liked that part.
Dilbert: Was it because crime doesn't pay?
Dogbert: I made $400,000 this week. I'm retired now.
Dilbert: I don't think this will ever be a Reader's Digest Special Story.

Thomas: Ed, I feel like I need to apologize to you.
Ed: Seriously? Why?
Thomas: I haven't set a good example for you today.
Ed: Oh, like the thing with the kid earlier?
Thomas: Of course not. That comes with the territory. What I should have done was stress the importance of not getting caught.
Ed: There we go, that's what I was waiting for.

Kill one person, and you can solve so many problems. I wonder at the possibilities."
Runa Fair-Shield, after seeing you dispose of Grelod the Kind, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

SpongeBob: I used to have a dream.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah? I used to have a kidney stone. Everything passes eventually. Now stop dreaming and work for a living.

You should hate someone because they're an asshole, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or because they're Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
Church, Red vs. Blue

"I mean, what kind of idiotic writer tells children that it's okay to be continuously playing pranks on everyone? We're raising a generation of assholes, that's what we're doing."

"I don't believe you should always go along with the group. What about thinking for yourself? What about developing your own personality and viewpoint? What about doing things because you decide they're the right thing to do, not because the majority ruled and you got outvoted? We weren't allowed to teach any of that. We had to teach kids to join gangs. And then to do whatever the rest of the gang wanted to do. What a stupid thing to teach children."
Mark Evanier, writer of Garfield and Friends

"In our last episode, Wolverine got tired of constantly being on edge and almost murdering teens, so he did what all ultra turbonerds do in times of stress and went to Japan. Shockingly, he almost instantly got caught up in a web of super-powered trouble, stumbling across the Silver Samurai’s attempt to extort a dirt-poor fishing village so that he could get… Man, I don’t even know. Fish, I suppose. Point is, Wolverine learned that it’s okay to stab people to death, as long as they’re the right people, and I think we can all learn a little something from that."
Chris Sims on X-Men ("Love in Vain")

"Lawrence Miles, enfant terrible of the late Wilderness Years, famously and controversially lambasted 'The Unquiet Dead' for its alleged xenophobia. The argument went that the episode went to great lengths to have the Doctor refute Rose's objections to the aliens being allowed to use human cadavers as bodies only to prove Rose right when the aliens really do turn out to be evil. At the time, I largely sided against Miles, suggesting that he was making a reading of the episode that no actual viewer would make, and thus was talking in a vacuum.

Which brings us to 'The Gift'... it turns out that the aliens are in fact irredeemably evil — so evil, in fact, that Sarah Jane has to kill them — and we get a final monologue about how there are some good aliens, while offering an overall moral that suspicion and paranoia are the correct way to treat people who are different than us until proven otherwise."
Phil Sandifer on The Sarah Jane Adventures

"Let this be a lesson to you: Men and women can't be friends. Every single guy (or girl) she talks to, she's banging."
Todd in the Shadows, "One Hit Wonderland" ("Just a Friend")

"If you come across a damsel in distress, surprise, she's not. She wanted you to come close so she could yank you off your horse and ride away laughing...The first time a woman in Red Dead did this to me, I shot her off and started putting every bullet I owned into her face. Faces don't even have a word for what I did to her. About 20 bullets in, my girlfriend woke up from her nap and asked what the hell I was doing. I explained that I wanted everyone, even the coyotes eating this bitch's remains to know the penalty for horse thievin'. She mumbled something about crazy, but I wasn't listening. Paying attention to women was how I got into this whole corpse-mutilating pickle in the first place."

"Y'know, it's true: Reading really does open up a rainbow of imagination—and also blood, horror and MURDER!"
Noah Antwiler, Let's Riff Ripper

"Now onto the message of the movie. The movie’s message is clear as Anne Bancroft flat out says it. All you need to cure cancer (and all diseases) are faith. Yes people, if you are dying of cancer it’s only because you people don’t BELIEVE enough. Oh and doctors like [Woody] Harrelson’s character that want to cure people and heal them; they are the REAL problem. Don’t be fooled, they are the ones really making you sick. Can you really think of anything more grotesque or malicious? Saying the Haitians made a deal with the devil is pretty bad not quite in my opinion. It is moronic but coming from the source you are not surprised. You are surprised when you are torpedoed by the message of The Sunchaser."
Miles Antwiler on The Sunchaser (1996)

"The message of the movie, I guess, is that two homegirls can find wealth and happiness if only they wear blonde wigs, get rid of those gold teeth and country vocabularies, and are nice to rich old white men."
Roger Ebert reviews B.A.P.S.

"Marriage smooths out all of your relationship's wrinkles, you know? Living with someone and all of their issues would never exacerbate small problems or re-hash old demons. That NEVER happens."

"This film didn't teach me to come forward with my mistakes and take the responsibility for it. It taught me to convince people that I didn't do the mistake, because that way, I'll have a happy ending!"

"I sold my soul for a vagina and a man I don't know!"

"[Cinderella] kept scrubbing floors and believing that, if she continued to wish very hard and take absolutely no action, everything would fall into place. And what do you know, the bitch gets a fucking kingdom out of it. So don't worry, girls. Some kind of 'Fairy Godmother' will sweep into your life at any moment, and find you a man to take care of everything. Just keep wishing!"

"So, it's better to speculate about doing good than actually doing it?"
Crow, Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jack Frost

"Moral of the story: If your loved one has a problem, kill them."
— Random YouTube comment on Supergreatfriend's Let's Play of Deadly Premonition.

"I think I get the message of the story. Christianity is good, and most, if not all, women are evil skanks who should die. And so do anyone else who celebrate any other religion. And bands that are supposedly "evil". And women in power, gays, and those who have disabilities.

That is one fucked-up message."
— From Arcadiarika's liveblog of The Evil Gods I

“Let this be a lesson, kids.” Steel said, “Stealing is a-okay and if anyone calls you out on it, feel free to have them punished in absolutely horrible ways.”

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