"Here's your objective: Blah blah blah blah, Secret Base. Blah blah blah land. Blah blah blah Nuclear missile bomb. Blah blah blah counting on you, utmost importance, win, good luck."
"You kill stuff. The end."
— The manual of Cube Engine
"THE WHOLE PLOT IS TWO PEOPLE HAVING A SEX CONTRACT AND TALKING ABOUT THEIR PLANS FOR THEIR BUTT HOLES"
"Harry breaks into a party for...reasons to infiltrate...things...They catch wise because Arnold is not good at The Stealth, and before you know it, WHOOOOOA evil German henchmen on skis because why not?"
"Busey is an ex-cooler (a cooler is the guy called in when things get too hot for the bouncers— my god, I know too much about Road House) who wants the Black Pelican because it's "prime-ass real estate when it comes to the exciting world of drug running"... Apparently the bar is in some nexus of drug-running convenience, the right distance from Florida and Texas and within easy reach of those extensive swamp smuggling lanes. But once again, I don't see why these drug deals have to be made at a bar when they could be made much more easily at the pier or any other building. The only thing I can think of is that The Busey is a big fan of the music and their Bloomin' Onion appetizer."
"Wait, what? How did we go from, "I don't like that my sister is dating some wiener in a band," to, "I must fight that band for control of the area!" Are we in some post-Apocalyptic world where Orlando is divided into kingdoms run by ninjas and rock bands?"
"Oh please, don't try to have a plot now, movie. You're, like, an hour in."
Mike: Admiral Robocop, he got worried because Romulans from the future blew up Vulcan and blew up all the Starfleet ships. So he says, "We need to have a militarized Starfleet." But politically, that's not gonna fly, so, uh, because of that, Starfleet ships were looking around the galaxy.(?)
Jay: It's one of those things they explain in one line. Like, "eh, so we went searching for things."
Mike: Yes. And so, they found Khan floating on a ship... They wake up Khan and say, "Khan, you are a smart super-man. I guess you also know how to build an incredibly-advanced starship."
Rich: "Because, y'know, with your knowledge of technology that's 300 years old, I can't think of a more perfect person to build a modern day super-ship."
"Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) turns out to not be just good at walking through walls, but also capable of sending peoples' minds back in time, so they can warn of surprise attacks before they happen. Most minds can't handle more than a day or so, but when Wolverine points out that his mind can heal from anything, they decide to send him all the way back to 1973, the year the Sentinels made their big debut. Now, you may be asking, if the Sentinels were built in the '70s and they've been steadily evolving ever since, where exactly were they in the other movies...? Also, how did the world not know about mutants prior to Senator Kelly crusading against them in the '90s? If you are asking that question, and bothered by it, you may not enjoy the rest of the movie very much. It really comes down to "Do I like this cast and crew enough to forgive the huge plot holes?'"
—Topless Robot, "X-Men: Days of Future Past is...okay"
"The movie is a mind-boggling gorefest; the whole setup is really just a thin excuse for an endless array of gruesome horrors... the alternative script for a logical Story of Ricky was two pages long, one of which consisted of the words 'Ricky goes to prison, then decides to leave.' The other was just a graphically detailed crayon drawing of a smashed brain."
"So Torchwood. Series four. Ideas. Went for a walk round LA. Dying for a smoke! But not allowed. Hmmph. Everyone's so health conscious here. Cancer. huh!
WAIT! I've got it! Captain Jack, lovely Johnny Barrowman, can't die. (Jack that is, not JB unfortunately!) We've established that for three series. But what if...oh what if? A twist! Now NOBODY CAN DIE! Brilliant!
But why? How? Oh I don't know we'll make something up. Something about morphic fields. (What are they? I don't know. It doesn't matter).
So lots of old grannies having to be looked after who refuse to just shuffle off. And lots of walking wounded prosthetics (what is the fx budget?) It's horrendous. HORRENDOUS!
But wait...what if then. Then...We kill off a major character? Oh not a real one like Gwen or Lovely Johnny. No we'll make one up and then, having established no-one can die. They Die! Horribly. Brilliant. But how? I don't know can we incinerate them? In a big oven. Too gruesome? I don't know. But it's brilliant I tell you. BRILLIANT! We can get lovely Janey Espenson to write that episode. She'll make it funny and tragic and oh so heart-breaking all at the same time.
That's it. Enough ideas. I'm going out for more fags. (Cigarettes whoops! must remember I'm in LA. How could I forget? Torchwood! In LA. Brilliant!"
"Once upon a time there were three people named Ar, Gee, and Bee. They lived happily together and agreed this game should be devoid of any meaningful long-term narrative."
"Zelda's a fuckin' game where you swing a sword at some pigs or whatever. And there's bombs an' triangles. Got three triangles? YOU WIN."
"Obviously, this intro is far too cool for me to consider commenting on it. But I do wish I was in the room when the committee decided that the best way to rescue the president was to find two civilian punks. Did the secretary of defense stand up and say, 'We can't spare the military personnel to rescue our president. So we'll just inspire a couple of street dudes to do it by questioning their badness. Easy.'"
"You want a story? Here's your story — 'Demons over there, KILL THEY ASS.'"
Yahtzee: What exactly is the goal of Smash T.V.? Just get to the end?
Gabriel: Video games in the old days. 1990, man. "Go to the end." "How do you do that?" "Kill all the dudes."
Yahtzee: So what's the big prize at the end?
Gabriel: You, uh..........live.
"The player begins as, so far as I can tell, a man strapped to a rocket flying towards what the player is helpfully informed is an Air Fortress. The game does not give much more plot than this, but it quickly becomes clear that one is to destroy the Air Fortresses, and really, in the world of NES games, this is an adequate substitute for actual motivation."
"So, Big Boss himself is the leader of Outer Heaven, a 'Fortress Nation' (whatever that is) that just plopped down out of nowhere ('cause that's how nationalism works). He kidnaps Dr. Pettrovich, a weapon scientist, and forces him to complete the design of Metal Gear as a portable nuclear missile silo. He also somehow maintains his position as a superior in the U.S. Army who's the head of FOXHOUND, this super-duper elite black ops unit that your dude's a part of... These are legit plot holes; they get filled in later. But they were the product of a Japanese 80's action movie game whose producers weren't breaking their backs to fully flesh out. It's called 'story segregation', and it's kinda like a certain other prequel-heavy media franchise that went far out of its way to flesh out a character that was easily plopped off thirty years ago."
"Jason Frudnick was your normal teenaged kid living in a seemingly average suburban neighborhood, who happened to have a pet frog named Fred... Fred made his way to the radioactive container in the middle of Jason's yard, which caused him to grow to freakishly huge size. He then proceeded to jump down the nearby huge hole in the ground that led deep under the earth. Jason, completely unconcerned about why there's a giant radioactive container sticking out of his front yard or how deep the unusually large hole is, continues his chase and follows the enlarged Fred down the hole. Somehow surviving the fall, Jason finds himself in a cave of some sorts. There was no sign of his dead frog, yet he discovered a shiny new battle tank just sitting there, as if it were waiting for his appearance. Again, not one to ask questions, Jason put on the battle armor inside the tank and drove out of the cave into the vast underground world outside, determined to get his beloved frog back. And it was that preposterous story that marked the beginning of one of the greatest video game adventures around, Blaster Master."
"The Right To Motivation. A game must not only give a player things to do, but also give him a reason for doing them. Just plunking the player down in a sandbox and saying, 'have fun' isn't good enough. Especially at the beginning of a game, the player should have a clear sense of what to do next and, in particular, why. Players need a reason to spend their time on a game, and the game must provide one."
—Ernest Adams, Designers' Notebook: The Bill of Players' Rights
"So the blurb goes on. This is basically a thinly veiled excuse to kill, kill and kill some more."
— Your Commodore, review of Into the Eagle's Nest
"And now, let's talk about the ground-breaking story. America's in trouble! And... guns."
"I won't bore you with the plot, since this The Chaos Engine's been 'on the way' for so long that you really ought to know it backwards by now. Besides which, it's the plot, it doesn't matter. Not mattering is its job. The only reason plots exist is to provide employment for down-on-their-luck writers desperate to earn a crust knocking out instruction manuals. So I say 'big nobs' to the plot ('cos I'm a crazy dangerous guy like that, and besides, plots can't hit you). You run about and you kill stuff, that's all you want to know."
"Angry Birds'' is a game that doesn't even pretend to have a story, and I really appreciate that. The full intro to the game is a single picture which illustrates some green pigs stealing eggs from a variety of birds. Naturally, the only way for the birds to vindicate this atrocity is to launch themselves from a slingshot in a suicidal attempt to take the lives of as many pigs as possible."