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Quotes: Excuse Plot


"Here's your objective: Blah blah blah blah, Secret Base. Blah blah blah land. Blah blah blah Nuclear missile bomb. Blah blah blah counting on you, utmost importance, win, good luck."

"You kill stuff. The end."
The manual of Cube Engine

On works


"Harry breaks into a party for...reasons to infiltrate...things...They catch wise because Arnold is not good at The Stealth, and before you know it, WHOOOOOA evil German henchmen on skis because why not?"

"Busey is an ex-cooler (a cooler is the guy called in when things get too hot for the bouncers— my god, I know too much about Road House) who wants the Black Pelican because it's "prime-ass real estate when it comes to the exciting world of drug running"... Apparently the bar is in some nexus of drug-running convenience, the right distance from Florida and Texas and within easy reach of those extensive swamp smuggling lanes. But once again, I don't see why these drug deals have to be made at a bar when they could be made much more easily at the pier or any other building. The only thing I can think of is that The Busey is a big fan of the music and their Bloomin' Onion appetizer."
Noah Antwiler on Road House 2

"Wait, what? How did we go from, "I don't like that my sister is dating some wiener in a band," to, "I must fight that band for control of the area!" Are we in some post-Apocalyptic world where Orlando is divided into kingdoms run by ninjas and rock bands?"

"Oh please, don't try to have a plot now, movie. You're, like, an hour in."
The Nostalgia Critic on the sudden tonal shift in Cool as Ice

"Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page) turns out to not be just good at walking through walls, but also capable of sending peoples' minds back in time, so they can warn of surprise attacks before they happen. Most minds can't handle more than a day or so, but when Wolverine points out that his mind can heal from anything, they decide to send him all the way back to 1973, the year the Sentinels made their big debut. Now, you may be asking, if the Sentinels were built in the '70s and they've been steadily evolving ever since, where exactly were they in the other movies...? Also, how did the world not know about mutants prior to Senator Kelly crusading against them in the '90s? If you are asking that question, and bothered by it, you may not enjoy the rest of the movie very much. It really comes down to "Do I like this cast and crew enough to forgive the huge plot holes?'"

"The movie is a mind-boggling gorefest; the whole setup is really just a thin excuse for an endless array of gruesome horrors... the alternative script for a logical Story of Ricky was two pages long, one of which consisted of the words 'Ricky goes to prison, then decides to leave.' The other was just a graphically detailed crayon drawing of a smashed brain."

"The way I see it, he goes into a room with a stuffy TV executive who doesn't know his arse from his elbow and goes into great detail about the backstory, the rich setting, how the entire cast is made up of good actors portraying likeable characters. Then he went on to explain the witty well written script and suddenly his best show ever is stuck in TV scheduling hell and cancelled before the paint on the set could dry. Whereas if he had gone in and simply said 'Cowboys and Prostitutes in space', we'd probably be watching the spin-off series where Jayne and Simon have to live together in a tiny space apartment without their space landlord Saffron finding out they're not actually space gay."

Mike: Admiral Robocop, he got worried because Romulans from the future blew up Vulcan and blew up all the Starfleet ships. So he says, "We need to have a militarized Starfleet." But politically, that's not gonna fly, so, uh, because of that, Starfleet ships were looking around the galaxy.(?)
Jay: It's one of those things they explain in one line. Like, "eh, so we went searching for things."
Mike: Yes. And so, they found Khan floating on a ship... They wake up Khan and say, "Khan, you are a smart super-man. I guess you also know how to build an incredibly-advanced starship."
Rich: "Because, y'know, with your knowledge of technology that's 300 years old, I can't think of a more perfect person to build a modern day super-ship."

"The shot of the Cybermen listening to jazz uncomprehendingly just about sums up the clash of narrative styles that simply do not gel in this adventure...As has been pointed out over and over again Silver Nemesis has exactly the same plot as Remembrance of the Daleks with an awesome Gallifreyan weapon launched by the Doctor causing all manner of problems for him and with it he tricks the nasties who are after it into destroying themselves. Except one story is a classic and the other is shite. Not only does Ace have to explain the conclusion but she also brings up that it was just how he nailed the Daleks! Why precisely are the Cybermen in this story? 'It is is the silver anniversary and they are silver...' is the explanation that we get in the documentary that accompanied the VHS. Few Doctor Who stories have had such an insubstantial reason for existence."

"So Torchwood. Series four. Ideas. Went for a walk round LA. Dying for a smoke! But not allowed. Hmmph. Everyone's so health conscious here. Cancer. huh!

WAIT! I've got it! Captain Jack, lovely Johnny Barrowman, can't die. (Jack that is, not JB unfortunately!) We've established that for three series. But what if...oh what if? A twist! Now NOBODY CAN DIE! Brilliant!

But why? How? Oh I don't know we'll make something up. Something about morphic fields. (What are they? I don't know. It doesn't matter).

So lots of old grannies having to be looked after who refuse to just shuffle off. And lots of walking wounded prosthetics (what is the fx budget?) It's horrendous. HORRENDOUS!

But wait...what if then. Then...We kill off a major character? Oh not a real one like Gwen or Lovely Johnny. No we'll make one up and then, having established no-one can die. They Die! Horribly. Brilliant. But how? I don't know can we incinerate them? In a big oven. Too gruesome? I don't know. But it's brilliant I tell you. BRILLIANT! We can get lovely Janey Espenson to write that episode. She'll make it funny and tragic and oh so heart-breaking all at the same time.

That's it. Enough ideas. I'm going out for more fags. (Cigarettes whoops! must remember I'm in LA. How could I forget?
Torchwood! In LA. Brilliant!"
TARDIS Eruditorum (to be read in your best Russell T Davies voice)

"Once upon a time there were three people named Ar, Gee, and Bee. They lived happily together and agreed this game should be devoid of any meaningful long-term narrative."

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