Quotes / Dude, Not Funny!

Fiction

Laugh and laugh 'til all the chameleons turn black
Laugh and laugh 'til you're told 'Please don't come back'
The Tragically Hip, "World Container"

Marc: YEAHHHHH!
(Beat)
Di: Ahhmmm, this is a murder scene.
Marc: I though you were doing a CSI: Miami riff. You know, with the pun. And the glasses.
Di: That still wouldn’t make it okay.
Fans!, ”Crossover”, chapter 1.

Elsa: Hans, I need to know why.
Hans: [confused] Why what?
Elsa: [exasperated] Please don't make me say it.
Hans: Oh, you mean why I did what I did last year? I always read stories when I was younger of kingdoms that had been taken over by great powerful forces. I liked to believe I was one of them and one day I would take over a kingdom like the stories I read as a child. I just wasn't good enough. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. No kingdom was ever taken by peaceful force, right?
Elsa: [shocked and angered at Hans' response] How dare you...
[Hans stares at her defiantly, hiding his fear of Elsa's response to his joke.]
Elsa: Is this your form a joke, Hans? Because it's sick; like you! I should've ordered for your execution the second you left Arendelle!
Hans: Then why didn't you?
Elsa: Because I have a conscience! [Hans flinches at her response] Those kingdoms you read about may have been taken over by powerful forces, but what the books didn't tell you is that the kingdoms surrendered because they were afraid. And you know what happens to kingdoms run by fear, and fear alone, Hans? They fall apart! The people rebel and the kingdom falls into anarchy. And those kingdoms seldom survive after they've fallen. And you know what kind of kingdom Arendelle would be if you had won Hans? One that was falling to the rebellious people and anarchy. You wouldn't have been a good ruler, Hans; you would've been a dictator that wouldn't even survive his first year on the throne! You would be dead and Arendelle would fall to pieces only to be remembered in the stupid books that you read! Successful kingdoms aren't run by fear, they're run by loving and fair rulers; both of which you're not! You're cruel, you're greedy, and you don't care about anyone but yourself. I was willing to give you a chance because I'm a firm believer in that everyone deserves a second chance; but you just blew yours. After the war is over, I'm sending you back to the Southern Isles for good. And believe me when I say, Westergard, that you will die as a disgraced prince in exile. That I will ensure.
—>— All's Fair in Love and War, a Disney/Frozen fanfic, chapter 5.

"You've gone entirely too far! Comedy is comedy, but this, this is... Monstrous!"
Philo Pennysworth (a chicken) on making an episode on Colonel Sanders.

"It needs more funny, and less make-me-angry."
Kaff Tagon, Schlock Mercenary

When you laugh about people who feel so very lonely
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
The Smiths, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore"

Darkstalker: You could always kill her [Glory]. I'm kidding. Ha ha, evil nightmare dragon, right?
Moon: That's not funny.
Darkstalker: Too Soon?
Wings of Fire: Moon Rising

Stewie Griffin: Oh, my God, that's [a Prank Call] amazing! That's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I wanna try!
Bart Simpson: OK! *hands him the phone and dials it*
Moe Syzlak: Moe's Tavern.
Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped. *hangs up* Is that... is that one?
Bart: ...
The Simpsons Guy

Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one of them, a 70 inch plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
Buddy: (Beat) He's an angry elf. (Miles attacks him)
Elf

Mark: "I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of 'em found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street."
Johnny: "A ha ha ha."
NC: "Ha ha ha ha, that's not funny you sick fuck."

Real Life

"You can laugh of everything, but not with everybody."
Pierre Desproges

"Freedom does not mean license."
Erich Fromm

"Once, in a break, I told him I'd thought of a funny line about someone but I was afraid it might be too sharp. He drummed on his desk with a long pencil and frowned: "If you ever have the slightest doubt about a line don't say it." The best advice."
Gore Vidal on Johnny Carson, Point to Point Navigation

"It's nice to know I went too far and there's a room full of people saying, "Yes, you did.""

"Mike [Wilson] brought me that bitch ad and I thought it was funny. I told Mike people might take it the wrong way, but he just said, 'Don't be a pussy!'"
John Romero on his immortal Daikatana advertisements

Sometimes I think God hates me, but then I remember it's probably because I do strips like this one.
Hard, author of Sexy Losers

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/DudeNotFunny